


love; not wrong (brave)

by gentletaes, PunkTsuki



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, DJ Otabek Altin, EDM - Freeform, Eventual Smut, First Time, Fluff, Gender Identity, Genderfluid Character, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mutual Pining, Rave AU, Self-Discovery, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-03-18 09:22:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 59,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13678827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gentletaes/pseuds/gentletaes, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunkTsuki/pseuds/PunkTsuki
Summary: Yuri Plisetsky uses music to escape. There’s nothing like the feeling of letting go and letting the DJ have influence over what his body does. It’s a refreshing departure from the reality of his life which is controlled by an abusive boyfriend.His connection to music deepens however, when the new DJ at his usual club seems to hold him in a trance. This new guy seemed to know exactly what it was Yuri needed, holding his gaze as he played track after track.After a close encounter with a group of men and a spiked drink, Yuri finds himself in the DJ’s bed. Soon, he makes his way to the DJ’s heart.





	1. you can find sunshine in the rain

**Author's Note:**

> guess who's back... it's us!!!!
> 
> and this time is MORE ANGST, and MORE CHAPTERS..... a whole ass multichap fic that we are almost finished with!!! we are so excited to share this with you. it's quite personal to both of us, and it's emotional and angsty, so we'll be sure to list warnings before each chapter.
> 
> title is from love; not wrong (brave) by EDEN, chapter title is from A Different Way by DJ Snake and Lauv
> 
> this chapter refers to psychological/emotional abuse, referenced recreational drug use, implied non-con and date rape

Yuri was on the edge of his mind. That’s the only way he could ever think to explain the feeling washing over him in that moment.

Some people needed religion. Some people needed adrenaline and extreme sports, or being surrounded by a beautiful view. Some people felt this feeling in God’s house, or sky-diving, or looking out into a mountain-scape that made them realise just how sublime and limitless the natural world can be.

But not Yuri, no.

You know that feeling? That one you get when your stomach flips as you drive fast over a hill, or hit the peak of a roller coaster? The one you get just before gravity pulls you back down to earth after your heart has felt like it has been lifted, weightless from your chest and up into your brain? The release and tingling of nerve endings, just before you are sent into that momentary bright, white light of orgasm during sex?

That _feeling_ , that _euphoria_ , comes to Yuri when he listens to music. 

*

 

Yuri was weary as he walked down the street, the weight from plastic shopping bags filled with groceries cutting into the skin of his hands and arms. He prayed first that the weight of the contents didn’t break the bags and spill out onto the path before he reached home, and second that his boyfriend, Mikhail, wasn’t home when he got back.

Avoiding conflict at all costs was Yuri’s main concern, but they had run out of anything even remotely edible. Yuri ran through his decision making process in his head, repeatedly justifying his need to run to the store. They had run out of food. A grocery run _was_ needed. And no, the boy at the cash-register was _not_ flirting with him— Yuri would swear on his life if he had to. Rationally he knew there was no way Mikhail could have seen the almost non-existent interaction, but _still_ , the fear was greater than rationality. He gripped the bags tighter as he hurried along. He _had_ to be home for when Mikhail returned from his own errands.

He silently cursed the wires of his headphones for getting tangled as he walked.

The volume on his battered-up, cracked phone was turned up loud, the beat of the current song thumped through his ears and helped to soothe the anxiety in his chest. The pulsing beat replaced his own racing heart and helped him to forget that it was hammering against his chest in the first place. A slower overlay of sounds ripped through the earbuds, streaming relaxing waves which slowly built in volume and density. The waves infiltrated his brain. With the sounds of the track now infused into Yuri’s thoughts and stream of consciousness, he made his way home without incident.

Yuri wouldn’t admit out loud that his hands trembled as he reached for the keys in his back pocket, dumping the heavy shopping down on the front step in order to do so. He wouldn't admit out loud that the shake in his hands made it difficult to turn the key and open the front door. But it did, it _always_ did. He held his breath, afraid of even the possibility of making the slightest unnecessary noise as he wrestled the shopping inside, knowing that the sound would have already alerted Mikhail of his arrival if he was already home.

He was.

“Where were you?” the words were muffled around a joint, smoke drifting in mesmerizing curls around the living room. Mikhail was perched on their tattered couch, watching as Yuri stumbled through the door, fumbling with his keys and the food supplies he had obviously just carried home.

“I—we needed food, I just walked to the store and back, I promise.” Yuri’s voice was small as he shuffled into the small, grungy kitchen that smelled just like the rest of the small trailer: weed. This was the conversation he had been desperate to avoid.

“Yuri, you know how I feel about you going out on your own.” Mikhail was right, Yuri thought. They _had_ discussed this time and time again. “You didn’t text me, you know the rules.” Mikhail stood from the couch and approached Yuri at the kitchen counter, hand out, expectantly. “You know you are to tell me where you’re going, Yuri. You know I worry, otherwise.” His voice was sickeningly sweet while his words promised something darker. “Where’s your phone?”

Yuri knew the question was a demand in disguise. “M-Mikky, I’m sorry I just didn’t think. I-I know I should have texted... I was only gone five minutes, really.” Yuri’s words were rushed but he tried not to show his panic. Panic equated to guilt, he knew this.

Mikhail’s eyes hardened and his voice became steely as he commanded, “Phone. _Now_ .” With that, Yuri pulled his phone from his pocket, untangling the headphones that were haphazardly wrapped around it, and handing it over reluctantly as if he were willingly handing over his own limb. He watched on as his boyfriend unplugged the headphones rather harshly and unlocked it with ease. The password was Mikhail’s choice, anyway. This was routine, almost; Yuri would do something _without_ Mikhail and he would take his phone, check up on him by invading his privacy and see who Yuri had been talking to.

It was almost always nobody. He had told Yuri, “We’re dating, _Yura._ We don’t _have_ privacy,” and although the shortened diminutive of his name on Mikhail’s tongue made him want to puke at times, Yuri believed him. Because Mikhail was nearly 30 and he knew more than Yuri did, he told him so.

Yuri believed him because he had to. He had next to no one else; who was he supposed to trust besides his boyfriend? Mikhail was all he had. With his grandpa and sister nearly a two hour car ride away, this was it. Mikhail had told Yuri long ago that his friends didn’t like him as much as he thought they did. They didn’t talk anymore. Yuri was lucky he hadn’t fucked up too bad with him, Mikhail had said.

He promised Yuri that _this_ was fine, that he couldn’t help it when he would strike Yuri, when he would kick him when he was down both literally and metaphorically. He was an emotional man, he had to let it out somehow, he’d said. Yuri believed every word, even when that voice of reason told him in the back of his mind that this was _not_ _love_.

It was the closest thing he had to it though, either way. It could never compare to what he felt for Alisa and for Grandpa, though. This was all for them.

Mikhail’s thumb was forceful against the cracked screen of Yuri’s phone, his eyes scrutinizing. Yuri winced. He’d never say so, but with his music on it; that phone was his safety net. It was his ability to breathe.

“You meet up with anyone I don’t know about?” It was an accusation more than a question. Just like every time before though, he handed his phone back with a hard thrust after finding nothing. “You’re lucky you’re sexy, Yuri,” he muttered, grabbing the end of a lock of blond hair and tugging hard once. Yuri just screwed his eyes shut, knuckles white and jaw clenched as he gripped his phone tightly. He turned when his boyfriend returned to his favorite spot on the couch and let out a silent sigh.

 _Tonight_. _Tonight I get to be free again_.

 *

 

It was always a huge risk to go out because he _knew_ the repercussions if he didn’t make it home before Mikhail. But, every time he went, it proved itself to be so worth it. He felt at _home_ , listening to the music each DJ produced, using his body to express himself like he wanted. The music gave him the freedom to move the way he wanted to. Most nights, he found someone who was interested (that was easy) and fucked them, for once being in control of who touched him. It was a win-win situation, and so far, so good.

He had perfect opportunities every night when Mikhail would be out dealing or fucking around with others or just being _out_ and away from Yuri. He’d be gone from ten til four in the morning most nights, when he thought Yuri was sleeping. It was easy, and Yuri took his chances. It gave him enough time to have his fun, let go, and fuck around himself, if he so pleased.

Tonight, though, was similar to the past week. There was a new in-house DJ playing at his usual club, and Yuri was in love with the music he produced. He was giving up sleep for this DJ, and it was totally worth it. Plus, the fact that this guy was _incredibly_ sexy made his excursions even better and more exciting. Perhaps, the DJ would take Yuri up on one of his offers. Yuri hoped he would, anyway.

The security guards didn’t so much as bat an eyelid when Yuri confidently strode up to the front door of the club. He pretended to fish around for his ID for just a moment before one of the bulky men with blue eyes and an undercut gave him a quick once-over with his eyes and just gestured for him to walk on in.

“JJ,” Yuri simply smirked in acknowledgment as he strode in.  They knew his face around here and generally, the skimpier his outfit was, the easier it was to be let in. And boy, was it skimpy tonight. It helped that he had sucked the usual security guard’s dick on the odd occasion, and the other ones weren’t very smart at all. Honestly, half the time they probably didn’t even realise he was packing a dick roughly the same size as their own. They often addressed him as ‘ma’am’ as he arrived.

Striding with confidence through the doors, Yuri sported a pair of silver, holographic booty shorts paired with fishnets and a tight, black shirt that he’d cropped himself for tonight’s outing. Ordering a drink was first on his agenda. The hazy purple lighting of the club strangely felt like a warm blanket; it was comforting though, and he knew the heat was coming from the amount of bodies packed in together in a small space. With a drink in hand, the flashing of green and white lights slashing through foggy air and spiraling to the beat of the current song welcomed him. The spiral flashed from green to blue to pink. It was harsh and bright but it drew him in like a moth to a flame.

Perhaps it wasn’t the safest idea, coming here alone but this was all he had. It would be fine, as it was every time before. It was just that nagging anxiety he constantly felt. The fear of not getting home in time _irked_ him more than anything else. Nonetheless, he took a place on the dance floor as the bass reverberated throughout the venue. It was a sign that sets were changing and his heart beat wildly in anticipation of the DJ he found so mesmerizing. He had arrived just in time.

All fear and worry dissolved the moment the new DJ stepped out and announced the start of his set. Yuri watched the DJ. _Dark Horse_ , he recalled his name being. Such a mysterious, intriguing name that Yuri wanted to peel away from the man, who was all sharp angles and dark clothes. He was hot, to say the least, just as he remembered from the first time he played here. He wondered what his real name was though. It was strange but just by watching the way he moved and way he concentrated, the way he played close attention to his audience in order to respond and feed their energy… Yuri wanted to know him. Even if it was for just ten minutes in the bathroom stall.

Yuri bounced on the balls of his feet in excitement and couldn’t help but grin widely when the music began to fill the club, the sound and synchronized lights seeping into his bones, vibrating through his chest. Blurring swirls of white lights bounced around the room as people began to dance. He couldn’t believe glow sticks were _still_ a fucking thing but it was familiar and comforting as he swayed and twirled along to the slow, gentle build of the beginning of the DJ’s first track. He slowly let himself melt into barley-there headspace of dancing, arms and hips beginning to move on their own free-will, following the feeling of the beat.

The song began to build in a wave of bouncy, pops. Yuri closed his eyes, drinking the sounds in as he raised his arms above his head and flipped his hair, twirling on the spot, no care and no fear left. He bounced and swung his hips, turning towards the DJ’s set up. He was close, towards the front of the room he knew but he was taken aback and shocked to see that when he opened his eyes, another dark pair were on him, watching. The DJ was watching him move.

 _Good_.

The DJ seemed tall from up on his podium. He looked _so good_ , all broad shoulders and tanned skin that Yuri wanted to touch, to see if he was still all heat even under the bright lights that washed everyone out. Despite watching Yuri, the guy seemed to be in a trance of his own. He bobbed his head to the beats he heard through his headphones which pushed his dark hair back in the sexiest fucking way, his dark eyes glistening under the lights. Yuri thought that he saw the DJ smirk before mouthing the lyrics:

 

 _I will come running when you call my name_ _  
_ _Even a broken heart can beat again_

 

Yuri had to look away, stop staring and dance. No more gushing over the DJ, that’s not what he was here for. As he continued to bounce and spin to the sounds of the mix though, Yuri couldn’t help but feel the eyes on him as the song continued.

 

_Forget about the one who caused you pain_

_I swear I'll love you in a different way_

 

Yuri got lost in the music, the minimal lyrics, and he danced even through his feet hurting. He didn’t know when he began dancing with a couple of guys, but he figured it was during the seamless transition between the ebbing end of one song and the soft introduction of the next. The music was changing from something sweeter to something sexier and freer. This was his domain. He was in his own head, chest to chest with one guy and ass to crotch with another. This was normal. This was his comfort zone.

He didn’t know when one of the guys left, but it allowed him to get into it with the other. A mouth was at his neck, hot breath lingering on his skin and Yuri was warm all over. He’d only had one drink, a rather strong one at that, but he was feeling light and just _good_. The other guy came back some time later with drinks in hand and Yuri eyed them. He couldn’t get too drunk because he knew he needed to be home before Mikhail, and definitely without a noticeable hangover in the morning.

The guy put the drink in his hand, not bothering to explain yet over the loud thump of the music and Yuri frowned. He tried to hand it back but it was pushed back into his hands. Lips were on his neck, chest to his back and Yuri kept dancing. “Don’t look so worried. Drink, pretty boy, let go,” a deep voice murmured in his ear and Yuri only hummed. He was a bit weary, but a little more alcohol couldn’t hurt, right? And hey, if the guy was offering it for free, Yuri couldn’t afford to protest.

So, he took a swig of the drink, strong and pungent and Yuri’s style. He kept dancing, two pairs of strong hands holding him up and getting pretty _handsy_ in general. But that was okay. He was used to this. He felt as if it wasn’t his place to tell them to stop if he got uncomfortable, this is what he came here for, right? His head was spinning now though. Lights flashed, as they always did, but speckled colour began to float across his vision, the sights before him became blurry around the edges. His mind swirled, his limbs no longer felt light and free, they were heavy. He felt as though he was being dragged underwater as the sound of the music dulled. A whirlwind of images and feelings and thoughts and sounds that he just couldn’t make out.

_What is happening?_

That was his last comprehensible thought he had before his vision went black.

 *

 

Music had always been Otabek’s saving grace. It was simply a part of him from the time he was little up until it became his job, and hopefully soon, his career. He was no good with words, so it became his voice. He was no good with his body language, so it became a way of communication without words. It was his way of expressing himself. It was his tool, his passion, his future. It was so easy to get a message across to everyone with each song he wrote and each track he remixed. Seeing others just as affected by music _he created,_ made him happy and eager to produce more. Especially now, it seemed his purpose was to create music just for this…. Just for _him_.

He was new to this particular club, and relatively new to his in-person gig in general. He loved DJing, it had always been a hobby, but now he finally had the privilege of doing it while being paid. He had worked hard to even get here and it was proving to be rewarding. While his online jobs were rather successful (his wallet was not hurting in any way), being a DJ for a crowd had always been something he wanted to experience. It was so different. There was _energy_ here, there was live and instantaneous feedback and... _This_ club in particular had a certain someone he didn’t want to take his eyes off.

The way his body moved was music in and of itself. He felt a sense of pride knowing it was _his_ music moving that body. Otabek’s attention was captured the very first time he played this club just a week or so prior. Long blond hair, legs that seemed to go on for miles, and an aura of grace. In Otabek’s mind, he was already unattainable, so he was content—he had to be—with watching. He watched as the unnamed boy rocked to the beat of his track.

Of course, he’s only seen the blond beauty for four nights now, but Otabek felt drawn to him in a way he’d never experienced before—how could he _not_ watch him? The moment he saw him, his inspiration spiked and he wanted to convey that through his music. This boy was his muse, as cheesy as it sounded. But that was just who Otabek was.

So, as any crushing guy would do, he watched the blond, wanting to see his reaction to all of his tracks and he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself. It made Otabek give a little smile to himself as he went on, bopping his own head to the beat, mouthing lyrics here and there, and clicking his tongue to melodies. He’d stayed up a few nights now, compiling an entirely new set and mixing new tracks all because _this boy_ had caught the attention of his creative control. His mood and his thoughts had moved far away from the kind of thing he was playing that first night.

This was all because of him.

It was nearing the end of his set when the blond was approached by a couple of guys and they began dancing with him. Otabek couldn’t take his eyes away from the roll of the blond’s body and _wow_ , he was just gorgeous and breathtakingly beautiful. He would get lost in his own music for moments at a time, but he was sure to keep an eye on the man dancing, sandwiched in the middle of two other men. As he observed, he saw that one of the men had left but was soon making his way back with drinks and Otabek wondered if the blond would be okay. He seemed to know his way around the club though, so he shrugged it off and told himself that he would be fine.

Otabek felt his heart drop slightly when it looked as if the drink was being forced upon the blond and Otabek was sure to keep a closer eye on him. They definitely didn’t know each other, and he could only imagine what could happen. Perhaps it was the anxious part in him. Or the part of him that just didn’t trust guys in clubs. He’d worked in too many in such a short time to even begin to attempt it. He tried to keep a level head, but that nagging feeling wouldn’t go away, that something was wrong here. His set almost was over, he could check up on the boy after—

It seemed that the next moments were in slow-mo, the way the lights flashed and created a scene out of a flipbook. A dark, dangerous flipbook. Otabek watched as the blond was hoisted over one of the guys’ shoulders, the other following as they seemed to be leaving.

_I have to do something._

Of course, there was the rest of his set he had to worry about, but it was almost ending and Otabek’s last rational thought was _fuck the set_ . He lined up his last track as he left his post on the platform. Once he reached the bottom of said platform he met his stage manager and best friend, Leo. He passed him with, “Cover for me!” before heading towards the direction he’d seen the boy with fast, long strides. Pushing through bodies and a sea of people, they were nowhere to be seen. Otabek knew they must have taken him outside. Adrenaline coursed through his veins as his search went on, and he followed instinct. It didn’t take long to exit the club and round the corner to the back alley that led to the parking lot where they, expectedly, happened to be. He hated the fact that he _knew_ this would be the place.

Otabek felt anger and disgust next. The guys who had just drugged this poor boy were _laughing_ and making jokes as they stood over where he lay. He strode over to them and they looked at him with smirks. “Come to join us?” one asked. Otabek huffed and grabbed the speaker by his collar, ripping him back from the blond boy, still unconscious on the dirty ground. The boy looked so out of place, his soft face shouldn’t be anywhere near the dirt and gravel. Otabek’s heart ached, he knew he had to get the boy out of here. It didn’t take long for the two to regain their composure, though and come for him.

Otabek was thanking his school experiences with bullies because it came in handy in situations like these. The guy he’d pulled on swung, but Otabek was quite a bit shorter than him and it was easy to just duck and rush toward him, knocking him over by disrupting his natural center of gravity. He fell on his ass and the other guy was quick to grab Otabek by the longer hair on top of his head. He landed a punch to his jaw, and _damn_ it hurt, but Otabek retaliated with a hard knee to the groin. He wished he could cut his entire dick off because he knew if he hadn’t shown up… well, he didn’t want to think about it.

The guy fell to his knees and Otabek used the chance to pick the blond up from the ground. He was mildly surprised to find that he was super light. Or maybe he was just really strong and running on pure adrenaline at this point. Either way, the boy felt like nothing in his arms as he carried him quickly to the space where his car was.

His mind was a storm—everything happened so quickly. The adrenaline was wearing off now though, leaving him physically and mentally exhausted. He decided to put the boy in the backseat, allowing him to lay more comfortably. Finally seeing him up close was much different but so much better.

_God, if he saw me right now he’d probably think I’m a creep…_

The blond had a soft face with sharp edges, high cheekbones and a smaller, pointed noise. His lips bowed beautifully and his skin was flawless. He looked tired, though, with dark purple bags under his eyes and matching, nasty yellow bruises on his cheek that seemed to be covered by makeup. Otabek frowned to himself. Those had to be old, and he wondered if he’d just gotten into an altercation at the club before he’d first seen him. Of course, there would be no way of knowing. Something boiled inside of him.

Shutting the door to the backseat, Otabek got in and started the car, but first pulled out his phone. He shot Leo a quick text, asking if he could get his equipment and that he’d owe him one. He put his phone away and just sat in the driver’s seat, trying to think of what to do. The boy would definitely not be waking up any time soon, and there was no way of knowing his address or getting him home. He couldn’t just _leave_ him, either. That would be fucked up.

So, deciding to take a chance, Otabek resolved that he could take him to his house for the night and could give him a ride home in the morning. He let out a shaky breath and began the drive to his apartment. He hoped to god the boy wouldn’t freak out too much but what else was he to do? He just needed to make sure that the boy was safe and still breathing.

  
It was easy getting the boy up to the second floor and into bed. He tucked him in, trying not to blush at his own actions because they really meant nothing. He was just doing the right thing. Otabek took the couch, giving the other boy some space. He’d get up a little early and make breakfast, and hopefully he’d be able to learn a little about the mysterious yet enticing boy, who ended up in his bed in the _least_ sexual way possible. It definitely wasn’t how he planned to meet the boy for real for the first time. With that, he shucked his shirt off and got comfortable on the couch, falling asleep with exhaustion weighing down on him.


	2. been goin' crazy from the moment i met you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, DJ Dark Horse, you a got a real name under there?” Yuri asked to break the ice as he took a bite of his omelette. God, it was so good. When was the last time Yuri had a home cooked meal? Or a full meal in general? 
> 
> “It’s Otabek,” the DJ—Otabek—said. “Otabek Altin.” There was a small smile on his face and that same cute blush as well. “And you are…?”
> 
> “Yuri Plisetsky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Untouched by The Veronicas. 
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: mentions/reference of rape and domestic abuse.
> 
> hope you enjoy this chapter!

Yuri woke with a start, immediately trying to blink the sleep and sun out of his eyes. It was way too fucking bright. His heart was beating wildly, and for what, he didn’t know.

_Where am I?_

He sat up quickly, and immediately became dizzy. He closed his eyes.  

 _Calm down. Calm down_. _Breathe._

He took a few deep breaths to try and collect himself and he opened his eyes once more to scan the room. It was rather plain, but not bare. He was currently sitting in dark navy sheets and a soft, fuzzy comforter. The room was organized and put together. But _whose was it_?

Yuri tried to recall leaving the club last night, but he _couldn’t._ Anxiety rose to his throat because Mikhail was definitely home by now and he was wearing incredibly skimpy clothing…. He was going to be in trouble, for sure. He winced thinking about it.

His stomach was queasy. He wasn’t sure if the cause was a hangover or his piquing anxiety. He couldn’t believe he had let himself fall asleep here. One night stands were _just that_. Reserved for the night. His walk of shame was usually done at about three in the morning—but it was light out now, the sun burning hot and cheery. It felt as though it were mocking him, as if it knew that he had fucked up big time and now it was blinding him out of spite. How the fuck had he allowed himself to stay in a stranger's bed overnight? How the fuck was he meant to explain this to Mikhail?

He took a few more deep breaths and pushed those thoughts away to the back of his mind as he attempted to reflect on the previous night. He could deal with the Mikhail problem when it was time.

He’d gotten a little tipsy, as he always did. He never got drunk enough to blackout, or enough to have a noticeable hangover the next morning though. Mikhail would be suspicious if he did. But last night—

He could remember a couple of guys dancing with him, on him. They clearly wanted him. One of them went to the bar and returned a few minutes later with drinks that Yuri swore he’d initially refused—well, he couldn’t remember much after that, but he knew what happened. He wasn’t stupid. They’d fucking _roofied_ him, and then—

His ass didn’t hurt? He wasn’t all sticky and gross, either…. Was this one of those guys’ beds? Was this a joke? He was in a warm bed, still in his clothes?

He was thoroughly confused. He got up slowly, examining his surroundings. The room smelled great, and clean and sharp. Something minty, perhaps. The side of the bed he didn’t sleep on was nicely made. He’d slept alone, then. The bedroom door was shut, and when he opened it, he instantly got a whiff of something delicious. His stomach gurgled and growled at the prospect of food, but he wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted it or if he was going to be sick. Either way, food was going to help. _Just breathe, you know how to do this._ He was hesitant to walk out, but he figured he had nothing left to lose. He was getting his ass beat when he got home anyway, so he might as well do whatever the hell he wanted while he could.

He walked down a short hallway and he was definitely not expecting goddamn _DJ Dark Horse_ to be cooking. _Shirtless_. Needless to say, he was about a hundred times more attractive up close and personal—and he was already super hot from far away. He drank in the sight of bronze skin, pulled taut over the thick muscles of his biceps, forearms, and back. _Wow._ Sexy alert. Was this a sex dream coming to life?

Yuri must have been noisier than he thought because the DJ—he needed a name, ASAP—turned around and shot him a smile, but then blushed immediately after. Holy fuck, his face was gorgeous. All sharp angles and messy hair and brilliant teeth and warm eyes. There was a large bruise on his jaw, too, and Yuri wondered what happened; it hadn’t been there when he was playing his set…

“Oh! Um, good morning! Uh… sorry about—” he glanced down at his bare chest, “—I thought you’d be asleep for a while longer.” Yuri just shrugged and instead focused on his voice. It was deep and soft and he sounded nervous, and Yuri wondered if this man sang as well as DJ’d. His voice was as lovely as the rest of him. His mouth was dry, and Yuri was blaming it on last night’s alcohol consumption and _not_ this dude. Though the latter was entirely possible. “I, uh, I’m making breakfast. Are omelettes okay? I can make something else—” His nervous rambling was adorable, but there was no reason for this guy to be worrying over him, so Yuri smiled and said, “Omelettes sound great.”

Seeing a blush spread over this seemingly-broody man was unexpected, but incredibly satisfying. Yuri slowly sat at the kitchen table, watching as the hot shirtless guy went back to cooking. It didn’t take long until he was setting the table and serving them both. He even went and put a shirt on (unfortunately) before joining him at the table. The aura surrounding them was a tad awkward and it made Yuri feel… itchy. Around strangers, Yuri had never been shy. Why start now?

“So, DJ Dark Horse, you a got a real name under there?” Yuri asked to break the ice as he took a bite of his omelette. God, it was so good. When was the last time Yuri had a home cooked meal? Or a full meal in general?

“It’s Otabek,” the DJ—Otabek—said. “Otabek Altin.” There was a small smile on his face and that same cute blush as well. “And you are…?”

“Yuri Plisetsky.” He took another large bite of food and gulped down part of the glass of water Otabek had set for him. “So, what even happened last night? I _hate_ to ask but did we…?”

“N-No.” The smile on Otabek’s face turned into a frown. “Um, at the end of my set I saw a couple of guys, uh, take you outside…? And it seemed fishy, so um, I went to make sure you were okay. U-Um, they were going to…” His voice trailed off and Yuri’s chest felt all weird and messed up. His first question was _how_ _did he notice?_ but he was more interested in _why_ Otabek had saved him from being raped and who knows what else when he didn’t even have to. He’d taken him to his home, gave him a bed to sleep in, and fed him, all because he wanted to? Otabek hadn’t taken advantage of him when he so easily could have, like Yuri expected him to. Because what guy _wouldn’t_ take advantage?

Yuri almost wanted to laugh. The universe had introduced him to a guy he could probably never have; a guy who was so sweet and good in his first impression, and he would have to go back to Mikhail—not that that was a bad thing, because Mikhail loved him, right? He gave him so much to be appreciative of. He just… he just craved more affection and less pain, right? That was it.

“You didn’t have to,” Yuri said lowly. “It’s not like—I would have been fine.” His voice dropped to a whisper as he said, mostly to himself, “I’m used to it.” He didn’t look up from his plate as he continued eating and a heavy silence fell over them. God, what was he doing? Why was he opening up so quickly to a stranger? Was it because Otabek seemed warm and caring? Was he really that needy and attention-seeking? Mikhail was _right_ , he was just a stupid slut, he shouldn’t be talking like this, he shouldn’t have sat there thinking how _gorgeous_ and sweet this guy was, he should have stayed home—

“I wanted to help you, Yuri. They… they _drugged_ you. That’s not okay. I would have helped anyone.” His face was almost melancholic. Yuri shrugged and slowly allowed himself to eye him again.

Yuri tapped at his own jaw, gesturing. “Is that how you got that, then?” Yuri eyed the bruise along what would have been Otabek’s sharp jawline if not for the swelling. Otabek nodded. “I’m sorry.” Really, he was just causing other people problems, it would have been easier for everyone to just let those guys have their way with him. Mikhail would be so disappointed.

“Don’t be. I’d do it again.” Yuri’s face suddenly felt hot and he went back to focusing on his food.

He finished his plate a few minutes later with nothing to say besides, “Thank you.”

_Thank you for the food. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for not being like everyone else._

Otabek had shown him so much kindness in such a short amount of time and he felt bad but also _so grateful_. Though, he still didn’t understand why Otabek would help him in the first place…

Otabek just smiled again with a shrug. “Anytime. Would you like more to eat?”

Yuri was about to decline, but his stomach had other ideas and impeccable timing. It growled, this time with definite hunger. Otabek chuckled, a deep, rich sound that made Yuri wish it would never end. With that, Otabek took Yuri’s plate and made him another omelette. Yuri watched the man, shorter than he originally thought, but also very muscular. He was good looking all around, and it was really cute how he settled so easily into cooking. It didn’t take long for Otabek to return with another, equally as delicious omelette just for Yuri.

“I really like your music,” Yuri stated, hoping he didn’t come off as a creepy fan. He was just being honest. Otabek basically turned into a tomato.

“Th-Thank you. I—um, you…” he trailed off, turning even _redder_. This was too much fun. Yuri smirked.

“You’re actually shy, huh?” Yuri cocked his head to the side. “You know I’m not a room full of people, right? You can get up in front of a room full of people but struggle to take a compliment with just me here?” He wasn’t being harsh or anything, he was really intrigued in all honesty. This was not who he thought DJ Dark Horse would be. Like, come on, the name _DJ Dark Horse_ is totally cool! How could it belong to such a sweet, timid guy? Perhaps it was all based on looks.

“I… uh. Yeah. Music is different.” His face was still red as he tried to avoid eye contact.

“But you had the guts to take me home?” Yuri quirked an eyebrow.

“N-not like that I—” He was a spluttering mess. _Cute._

Yuri laughed and moved on, leaning forward on his forearms. “So how old are you, Otabek?” He was feeling a little more like himself, a little loud, overbearing and teasing. This was who he was before… well, _before._ He briefly wondered why he felt so relaxed around this guy. Relaxed enough to just _be_. But he shoved that thought to the back of his mind.

“I’m twenty-two,” he answered, his voice a little steadier. Yuri hummed.

“Seems you’re doing well for being so young,” Yuri commented. Otabek just shrugged.

“I guess. First stable in-person gig I’ve had, really, I’m just making the most of it. I’ve mostly done online stuff up until now. Still do sometimes.” He paused. “How old are you, Yuri?” He took on a pensive kind of tone that made Yuri think that perhaps Otabek knew he wasn’t old enough to have even been in that club in the first place.

“Old enough,” Yuri shrugged.

“For what, exactly?” It was Otabek’s turn to raise an eyebrow.

“Old enough to know what I’m doing.” Otabek didn’t look convinced. Yuri sighed, defeated. “Just please don’t go tellin’ your boss or whatever, okay?” Yuri paused and waited to see if the other boy would react. He didn’t. Yuri rolled his eyes. “I’m nineteen. Old enough to suck the security guard off. JJ, I think? And I need that place, okay? So don’t go getting me into trouble.” He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at his empty plate. _Fuck,_ now this _nice boy_ really did have a reason to judge him and throw him out. He’d have to figure out how to get home from here.

Otabek hadn’t said anything, but his face morphed into embarrassment with tinted cheeks, but then it looked like he got himself together and was just thinking. “You look… older,” he settled on. Yuri sent him a questioning look. Should he be offended? Was he _ugly?_ “Not—! I meant, um, your _eyes_. They’re, like… It’s like you’ve seen more than you should for being nineteen? Fuck, that probably sounds so creepy, I’m so sorry.” Otabek was back to blushing and Yuri felt like Otabek could just read him like a goddamn book. Yuri kept his cool and shrugged. He couldn’t show how he was a little unnerved by Otabek’s insightful observation. Who was this guy?

“Perhaps.”

Otabek searched his eyes a bit longer and Yuri willed himself to not back down. It only lasted for a moment before Otabek got up to clear the table and the kitchen. Yuri felt like he should be doing something instead of just taking from the nice guy. Wracking his brain for something to do in thanks, he could only think of one thing that he knew he was _decent_ at. There was one thing that people _loved_ as payment. Why would Otabek turn him down?

Standing from the table, Yuri sidled up to the older man and watched as he started on the dishes. “Do you want me to suck your dick or something? You know, as payment for letting me stay? I don’t really have any money.”

He watched as Otabek gaped at him, face coloring brightly. “Um—no, Yuri that’s okay, I really don’t mind. Just. Uh. It was no problem, really.” Yuri frowned. What the hell? Didn’t he want sex? Didn’t he want him? But then again, Otabek seemed to be unlike any other guy he’d met, and something deep inside him was grateful he’d turned down the offer. He was tired, and now slightly embarrassed. Otabek probably thought he was a whore now. But he was, wasn’t he?

“Sorry, I just thought that maybe… well, normally everyone else asks for it, so…” He was whispering mostly to himself, his reasoning in his head coming through his mouth now. Otabek’s eyes were still as warm as ever. He turned the water off.

“I’m not going to pry. I don’t think you’re a bad person.” Yuri felt that same unnerving feeling at being read so easily. “But I hope you know there are still good people in the world. Not everyone is out to hurt you, or use you. Wherever you got that idea from, it’s not right.” He offered a gentle smile then, and Yuri felt so at ease. He was honestly just amazed at how quickly he was opening up to Otabek. It was kind of terrifying.

Yuri couldn’t help but look away now, swallowing back a lump in his throat.

“If you need somewhere to stay…” Otabek began.

“I’m fine,” he snapped. He didn’t _mean_ to, it was just… he needed to put his guard back up. Mikhail would be so mad if anybody found out when he told Yuri that he couldn’t tell anyone, because it was between _them_. He promised Mikhail. It was nobody else’s business. “Fuck, sorry.” He turned away, face warm with shame.

Otabek put a gentle hand, warm and rough, on Yuri’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. Do you want me to take you home?”

Yuri hoped that the fact that his blood ran cold was kept off the expression on his face as he jolted, turning back to face Otabek.

“It’s okay, we can take our time. Do you want a shower maybe? Anything you need?”

How was Otabek so fucking nice? What the hell? “Um… a shower, maybe,” he mumbled. Otabek nodded and gestured for Yuri to follow him to the bathroom.

“I can get you some clean clothes. I-It’s cold and—?”

“No! No, um, these are fine.” He’d rather wear his own scandalous and revealing clothing than another man’s. He knew better. But Otabek just nodded and showed him how to work the shower, left out a towel for him, and left Yuri alone. His face was dusted with a pink tinge the entire time.

 *

 

Yuri took his shower scorching hot, scrubbing his hair and body with the stuff Otabek had. And it smelled _good_. It was eucalyptus, and it was fresh and very… Otabek. Yuri wasn’t sure how he knew that, but it was the same scent that encompassed the room he had woken up in, only stronger.

He tried not to take too long and was quick to dry off and get dressed in his clothes. He felt so out of place. He wrapped his hair up in the towel and made his way out of the bathroom to find Otabek in the living room dressed, well, not in not-pajamas. Holy crap, he was _hot_. And _cute._

He first noticed that he was wearing _glasses_ ; he would have never guessed. He wore a beige cable-knit sweater with a collar and cuffs visible, and dark jeans to go with it. He looked like he was meant to be in a coffee shop reading romance novels or something. Yuri loved it. DJ Dark Horse was a nerd? He certainly looked like one. Normally he would have thought it to be a crime to hide those muscles under a _fucking sweater,_ but Yuri couldn’t help the smile that turned the corners of his lips up.

Otabek looked up from his phone and smiled at Yuri, face flushing once more. Yuri wondered if it was legal for someone to be so cute. “I didn’t take you to be the sweater-wearing type,” Yuri teased, cocking a hip. “I thought you were all black clothes and leather.”

Otabek chuckled and shrugged, blush still high on his cheeks. “Who said I can’t be both? But...that’s just my club get-up. Just like that,” he pointedly looked at Yuri’s body, “is _your_ club get-up. I’m assuming. Oh, god, I shouldn’t assume, I’m so—”

Yuri laughed, effectively cutting him off. “You would be right. I could never wear this out in the day…” Yet he was, and Mikhail was going to be pissed. _Fuck_.

“If you need a sweater or something to cover up or… feel more comfortable I can—”

“Otabek, I’m fine.” Yuri noticed the way that Otabek was actually trying to avert his eyes, avoiding actually looking at what Yuri was wearing. He couldn’t help a tiny smirk. Otabek was so modest. “Thank you, though.” He looked around the living room. It was just about as plain as the bedroom, but it was nice and modern. He saw a clock and his jaw dropped. It was nearing noon. “Fuck, my boyfriend is gonna be pissed.” He didn’t want to leave the comfort of Otabek’s genuine character or the warmth of his presence and his home, but he was already going to have it bad enough.

“Do you need a ride?” Otabek asked, noticing his change in tone.

“That—That would be great.”

Otabek nodded and went to get his keys. “Do you have your phone and everything?”

 _Shit_. He rushed to get his phone where it sat on the bedside table. He tried unlocking it, but to no avail. It was dead. Fuck, he probably had a shit tonne of missed calls and texts. All from Mikhail, no doubt. He needed to get home. He took the towel off his head and folded it on the bed before going to join Otabek at the front door.

Together, they walked to the car and Yuri got in the passenger side quietly. He was starting to sweat, his anxiety crawling back quickly under his skin.

“You’re gonna have to direct me, okay?” Otabek said to him, but Yuri felt so terrified he was mentally out of it. He was looking anywhere but at Otabek as he jiggled his knee and tried his best to take in his surroundings. He had a feeling he’d want Otabek’s location for one reason or another. To send a thank-you note, perhaps. He nodded though, so Otabek knew that he was listening at least. Otabek was quiet, but Yuri knew he was probably giving off bad energy. Otabek turned on the radio and it made both of them visibly relax. That was certainly one thing they had in common: their love for music.

Otabek just kept his eyes on the road and hummed at Yuri’s occasional “turn left here” or “keep going straight” instructions. God, he was not looking forward to this.

Soon, Yuri had directed Otabek to a trailer park and his cheeks burned with embarrassment. “Um, thanks. For everything,” he said, unbuckling. His heart was pounding in his ears and his knuckles were white where they were fisted on his thighs. He looked up and met Otabek’s warm brown eyes.

“Of course. Um, if you ever need me, you know where to find me, right?.” Yuri gave a curt nod. He had a feeling he wouldn’t be allowed to see anyone for a while.

“Yeah. Well, um. Thanks again.” With that, Yuri slowly got out of the car. He refused to look back, and walked down the little dirt road to where his and Mikhail’s trailer was.

He wasn’t surprised to find Mikhail waiting for him, eyes dark and cold, void of any emotion, it seemed; the exact opposite of Otabek’s and the memory of how they made him feel warm inside.

He gulped, preparing himself for the hell Mikhail was sure to give him.

 *

 

Something was… off. Otabek couldn’t _quite_ put a finger on it yet, but he was beginning to have his suspicions. At the mention of giving Yuri a ride home, his entire demeanor had changed. Given, he didn’t know Yuri all that well obviously, but for that bubbly attitude to just switch off? And with all the little things Yuri had mentioned throughout their morning together….

When it came to actually taking him home, it got _worse_. Yuri became silent, only speaking when giving him directions, and Otabek was worried. But he had no right to ask though, right? It wasn’t his place and he didn’t want to come off as nosy or annoying or pushy. He wanted to help Yuri, he didn’t want to be responsible for driving him straight into something terrible. But he barely knew him. They were basically strangers. It would be weird, right? To pry? He had to have faith that Yuri would be okay.

He had to ask Yuri for directions on a few occasions, but not only so that he knew where he was driving. It was also more to check that Yuri was still mentally present. The vacant look in Yuri’s eyes and the blank facial expression had him a little freaked out, if he was honest. He eyed the way Yuri’s knuckles turned white as he balled his delicate hands into fists in his lap. He saw the way his leg jiggled with some sort of anxiety.

He turned on some music and as he had hoped Yuri relaxed noticeably, which, in turn, helped Otabek relax. Yuri still looked everywhere but in Otabek’s direction. Maybe Yuri was just worried about being seen with him? Yeah, that was probably it. He was taking him home to his _boyfriend_ , Otabek had easily heard Yuri’s words earlier (words that made Otabek a little jealous, he hated to admit it). So who _wouldn’t_ be anxious about it?

As the drive continued, Otabek realized that they were venturing closer to the rougher side of town. He had no right to judge, however, and kept himself focused on Yuri’s occasional direction. Soon, though, Yuri mumbled the last instruction and he was pulling up to a dirt road, the entrance of a trailer park. It was more run-down than others he had seen before, but again, Otabek reminded himself that the quality of Yuri’s home didn’t determine his quality of life. He looked to Yuri as he parked. The blond was blushing and his head was down.

“Um, thanks. For everything.”

Otabek smiled gently. “Of course. Um, if you ever need me, you know where to find me.” And that was all Otabek could do for now; offer open arms (or apartment) if Yuri needed it. They’d be able to see each other at the club, Otabek told himself; now that they were introduced, though not exactly on ideal terms. But, Otabek would at least be able to see whether or not the other boy was doing okay.

“Yeah. Well, um. Thanks again.” Yuri was quick to head out, not turning back after he shut the car door and strode quickly down the unpaved road. Otabek watched him turn to approach one of the homes, and at that, Otabek left. He hoped to see Yuri soon, the boy he had easily developed a crush on in a matter of under a day. That strange, bubbly, and intriguingly _forward_ boy.

God, he was such a hopeless romantic.

*

 

Otabek knew something was amiss when Yuri didn’t show up to his next set. Or the one after that, and after that, and after that.

For _three_ _whole weeks._

For three whole weeks, Otabek was on edge. He knew he was annoying the shit out of Leo at this point, but he couldn’t help but worry about what happened to the practically-naked boy he had dropped off at a fucking trailer park.

It was late one night after Otabek’s set, nearing four in the morning when he and Leo were cleaning up. His mind was uneasy, a whirlwind of thoughts about Yuri and those strong, hardened eyes. He couldn’t stop churning out possible scenarios of the boy’s fate, imagining worst-cases and best-cases. He’d gathered that boy had already gone through shit in his life he shouldn’t have, but _what happened_?

“Leo, should I go to his house? And make sure he’s like… still alive?” he asked as he was packing up his laptop. Leo looked at him wearily, wrapping up cords.

“If he’s in a relationship that you think he’s in, _fuck_ no. That’s playing a very dangerous game and you would honestly just make it worse.” Leo paused, taking in the stressed-out look on his best friend’s face. It had been a consistent look of his since that night three weeks ago. “Look Beks, I get why you’re worried about him, you put that huge responsibility on yourself. But you don’t know the facts. Maybe he hasn’t come back because he got drugged, I’d say that’s a pretty damn good reason for him to stay away. Plus, you said he’s nineteen. Another reason he may not come back. Maybe he’s worried you’ll tattle.”

Otabek just grumbled and thought to himself that it would be another sleepless night. He stayed quiet the rest of the time they packed up and cleaned up a bit, but all of his thoughts were infiltrated by Yuri. It was odd, to feel so attached and connected to someone he barely knew but liked as if he knew him for years. Perhaps Yuri didn’t feel it, and… well, then Leo was probably right. Yuri had no reason to come back to this club again after his experience, but he could have sworn….

An overbearing need to protect kicked in for the hundredth time already. He didn’t know what to do with this, but he sure as hell didn’t know how to just let it go either.

He tried to let it go as he packed his car up and headed home, but Yuri had enraptured him wholly from the first day he’d laid eyes on him, really. He wore a frown as he parked and grabbed his backpack upon exiting the car. He felt exhaustion creep up on him, from playing sets filled with emotion to the lack of a decent night’s sleep recently. He had a feeling it’d be this way until he knew Yuri was alright. Even the songs in his sets had become emotional in a completely different way again because when he couldn’t sleep, he would stay up for hours making music. He didn’t know what else to do if he couldn’t help or at least _ask_ if Yuri was alright. It was a good distraction.

He trekked up the stairs, his body feeling heavy with much needed sleep. Once he reached his floor though, he became stock still as he saw a small figure, curled up in front of his door. Blond hair was visible from under the hood of a dark hoodie and Otabek’s breath stuck in his throat. He knew in instant who it was.

It was Yuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter may be up around wednesday or thursday! <3


	3. in need of a saviour, not asking for favors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One thing Yuri did know for sure, though, was that Otabek was good. He was safe, like some sort of sanctuary. He could feel it in every word the man spoke, in every action he made, in the warmth that radiated from him like the sun. It was unlike anything he’d experienced. So perhaps that was why he was naturally drawn to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for this chapter: implied/referenced abuse, discussion of abuse
> 
> chapter title from "Silence" by Marshmello ft. Khalid
> 
> enjoy!

“Y-Yuri?” he asked quietly, as to not startle the boy if he happened to be asleep. It was 3am after all, he’d been to work and done a whole set. Normal people generally weren’t wandering around this time of night, especially not in random apartment buildings.

But it seemed he was either awake and didn’t notice Otabek’s approach, or he was a light sleeper. He assumed the latter, as his head snapped up and his eyes fluttered up. Otabek’s breath caught for a whole different reason. Yuri’s face, once (almost) flawless and delicately pale three weeks ago, was now black and blue and purple and yellow. Otabek’s heart sank and broke all at once.

“Yuri…” Otabek breathed, sinking to his knees to be level with the boy. Said boy started crying, and Otabek carefully sat next to him, wrapping a tentative arm around him. His small frame shook with his silent sobs and Otabek’s heart wrenched in his chest. His stomach hurt. How could anyone hurt him?

“I’m s-sorry but I. You said if I needed anything… I don’t h-have anywhere else…” Yuri choked out, barely audible around the sobs ripping through his tiny chest.

“Of course, yes, it’s okay.” He couldn’t believe _Yuri_ was the one apologizing. He had nothing to be sorry for. But now was not a time for Otabek to tell him so; it was time for him to support him in whatever way he needed. In that second though, Otabek didn’t know what else to do besides hold Yuri carefully. If his face was that bruised, he could only imagine what condition the rest of his body was in. “Let’s go inside, okay? I can make some tea, yeah?” Yuri nodded feebly and Otabek helped him up. He had a noticeable limp and Otabek realized this boy had probably _walked_ all the way from the other side of town to get here. With injuries. He hadn’t seen a car outside, at least.

He helped Yuri onto the couch and was quick to set his stuff down in favor of making tea. His mind was racing. It was good to know Yuri was still alive. He had been so worried about the possibility that perhaps he wasn’t. He was pissed that someone could actually _hurt_ him. His stomach churned at the thought that his gut feeling had been right.Yuri wasn’t safe where he had dropped him off that day. And how could anyone be called a _boyfriend_ if they hit their partner? Otabek might have been jumping to conclusions, he knew this, but honestly, what other scenario was he supposed to get from all of this? All of these thoughts made Otabek feel nauseated. He was _so angry_ but he couldn’t let Yuri see that. Not now.

He was quick to bring a hot mug of tea to Yuri and keep one for himself, pushing all of his bad energy to the back of his mind. The boy looked so sad, so defeated, so empty compared to the last time they saw each other. He needed to be here for him like he said he would be. Yuri took the mug gratefully and Otabek gently draped a blanket over him. He didn’t speak, because what was there to say? He still didn’t want to intrude, and Yuri didn’t seem ready for that yet. Otabek would let him speak on his own terms. The boy seemed so tense, and his eyes looked as if they were staring off into space. He wasn’t here, not mentally at least.

They drank their tea together, quietly, and Otabek was first to set his empty mug down. He studied Yuri, his vacant eyes, his beaten face. He was still beautiful and Otabek wanted to kill whoever this so-called boyfriend was. He took a deep breath to calm himself. “Yuri, just so you know, I’ll listen to whatever you have to say. Whenever you’re ready. Take your time, okay?” Yuri’s emerald eyes flickered to him and he nodded minutely. His cheeks, red and bruised, were stained with tear tracks and Otabek wanted to help clean him up. But, it was late and they were both clearly tired.

“Ready for bed?”

Yuri nodded and Otabek was careful when he helped Yuri up. It devastated Otabek to see him wince with every step to the bedroom. He set some clothes out for the boy if he wanted to change into something more comfortable. He made sure the room was warm enough and that there were enough blankets. “Make yourself at home. If you need anything, I’ll be on the couch, okay? Just call for me.” A nod. “Goodnight, Yuri.”

“Goodnight.” It was quiet, barely a whisper, but it was _something_. Otabek offered a smile and he left quietly, leaving the door cracked just in case Yuri needed him. He made his own bed on the couch.

Otabek couldn’t help but think back to when he was young and lost and scared. He never wanted to go back to that and he would do anything to keep someone else from it too. He would be by Yuri’s side every step of the way if he wanted him there, he resolved.

 *

 

Otabek slept better than he had in the past few weeks, but still not very much. He woke up early, worry nagging at him to get up to check on Yuri. Needless to say, he was surprised when he caught sight of a curled up Yuri sleeping on the floor, covered only by one of the blankets from his room. When did he get there? Why on earth would he choose the floor over the bed after the night he’d had?

Otabek frowned but was careful as he got up. Rubbing sleepily at his eyes, he stepped over him and attempted to meticulously place a pillow under his head, but it woke the boy up anyway. He watched as those eyes, clearly heavy with sleep blinked open. “Otabek?” he whispered, sitting up slightly with a wince.

“Are you okay?” Otabek asked first thing with a frown, kneeling on the ground so Yuri didn’t have to get up further. “You should have woken me up if you needed something. The ground isn’t comfortable.”

“No, I—um. I just didn’t want to be alone, I’m sorry.” His voice dropped to a whisper while his eyes dropped to the floor, looking away from Otabek. Otabek’s heart did that weird thing where it felt as if it was being twisted in his chest. He felt _awful_ for the boy.

“Please don’t apologize. It’s okay. How much sleep did you get?”

“U-Um, I came in here an hour or so ago? I couldn’t sleep. I’m sorry, I know I should be grateful. I am but I just… I couldn’t.”

Otabek took in Yuri’s appearance. He was wearing the clothes he’d offered, but he looked uncomfortable and in pain and so small, curled in on himself. “That’s okay. Would you like a shower? Bath? I can make breakfast.” Otabek felt himself become a little more nervous, still intimidated by Yuri’s natural beauty. He felt like he himself had to be perfect because this boy already was.

Yuri’s eyes still hadn’t left the floor but he gave a tiny nod. Otabek hated whoever made this bubbly, snarky, beautiful boy look so small.

“A shower, I still f-feel—” Yuri cut himself off but just from the look on his face and the shudder that ripped through his small frame, Otabek understood what he meant, even without words.

 

*

 

Yuri stood under the scolding water probably a lot longer than he needed to. But he stared, not moving, down at his feet while the steam rose and the patter of water rolled over his face. Nothing ever got Mikhail off of his skin. He felt that he was tarnished forever. There wasn’t much point being in here, really, he’d always be dirty. But, the heat of the water burned and made his skin pink and it slowly took over the ache of the bruising. Or at least, dulled it.

Every movement hurt, from raising his arms to wash his hair to tilting his head back to let the water run through his golden strands. But he’d deserved this, hadn’t he?

That day he’d gone back was already bad enough, taking a little over two weeks to heal from some of the bruises Mikhail had left. Then he’d gone and tried to sneak out again? Of course he got caught. He was just _stupid_ and he deserved every bruise he got. He knew that. So why was he running?

He didn’t know why he was here. He really didn’t. Something very small eased inside his chest as he rinsed the shampoo from his hair. It smelled like Otabek. Somehow, that smell felt like some sort of answer.

One thing he _did_ know for sure, though, was that Otabek was good. He was safe, like some sort of sanctuary. He could feel it in every word the man spoke, in every action he made, in the warmth that radiated from him like the sun. It was unlike anything he’d experienced. So perhaps that was why he was naturally drawn to him.

Yuri decided he was clean _enough_ and took his time getting out and dried. It was certainly a feat, getting dressed again. It was painful. But it wasn’t as if he could ask Otabek to help him with _that_ , or just forgo clothing completely. He already felt bad for being such a burden, really. He was in no position to be pushing any boundaries. Even if Otabek was as safe as he felt.

He sighed and took a long, reluctant look in the mirror. His bruises were _bad._  The scrapes looked _angry_. He was surprised Otabek had even recognized him so easily. His lip was busted, his right temple was swollen, and his cheeks were yellowing. His neck was probably the worst, clear fingerprints left to purple on his light skin where they had circled it days prior. Hickeys littered his neck and chest and further down and he felt so gross. He certainly wasn’t going to be going out any time in the foreseeable future. He guessed that was probably Mikhail’s point.

He slowly made his way out of the bathroom, and Otabek was fulfilling his promise of food. Mikhail had restricted his food intake in the past weeks, too, as punishment, and the smell made his stomach rumble in want and need. He had to remind himself not to drool or look too desperate. It was just food.

Just like three weeks ago, he took a seat at the kitchen table and watched Otabek move around the kitchen, music flowing from a bluetooth speaker on the counter. Yuri felt more relaxed now hearing a melody. He’d been deprived of his lifeline in the past weeks. That was the whole reason he tried to sneak out again, anyway. To get to music. He really could not function in silence; couldn’t do anything, not even sleep. Mikhail had smashed his phone in a fit of rage though, so he wasn’t even able to sleep with his headphones in like he usually did.

He was pretty sure Mikhail knew what he was taking away. It wasn’t the phone, or the contact he may make with anyone else. No, it was the music.

Otabek’s voice was lovely, too, Yuri noticed. He wanted something else to focus on and this was the perfect distraction. Otabek was singing along to the songs coming on, smiling softly to himself and he was undeniably cute with those thick-framed glasses on. Yuri wondered if he produced his own original songs with vocals. He wasn’t sure if Otabek was that kind of musician but in that moment, he thought he’d like to find out. He’d like to listen. He wanted to know this warm, safe man.

Otabek was apparently making a big-ass breakfast, judging by the time it took to get everything done. But, it was totally worth it when Otabek laid out everything on the small table; there was bacon, eggs, toast, fried potatoes, fruits, a big, healthy-looking salad, and orange juice. Yuri wasn’t entirely sure when the last time was that he had seen this amount of food. Otabek had a satisfied gleam in his eyes and he grinned as he said, “Dig in.”

And oh, did Yuri dig in. He probably inhaled half the food on the table, especially enjoying the fried potatoes for some reason. They were seasoned perfectly and god, having something so flavorful after so long was _amazing_. He honestly could not help the literal _moan_ that escaped his lips. He probably seemed like an animal. Otabek raised an eyebrow at that, but he didn’t feel like explaining, and Otabek didn’t bother asking.

They ate in relative silence after that, only the music and clinking of silverware filling the space between them. It was calming and Yuri didn’t feel as bad after he was full. He was satisfied in a totally different way; being full of food was different from post-orgasm or post-rave satisfaction. It was just as pleasant, though. Otabek cleaned up and put away leftovers, leaving Yuri to watch with a little guilt.

They spent the rest of the day on the couch, and Otabek even made lunch, dinner, _and_ dessert. Yuri felt like royalty, being fed so much, but there wasn’t any way he was complaining. They watched animal documentaries all day (Yuri’s choice) and just relaxed. It was nice, and Yuri almost couldn’t believe how tranquil he felt. Otabek was respectful of Yuri’s personal space, but Yuri couldn’t help but indulge a little, resting his feet on Otabek’s lap. He was cautious at first, not knowing if he should be ready to flinch away. Otabek didn’t seem to mind, though. Yuri almost hated saying that he enjoyed his day.

They came to a stopping point sometime in the evening after having ice cream, and Yuri could tell that Otabek was itching to ask questions. He gave him props, though, having held off for so long when he had every right to be curious, being that he showed up at his house in the middle of the night, practically inviting himself in. And Otabek was so graceful about it all, letting him stay, clothing him and feeding him. It was much better than the streets. Yuri had been there before, he hated to admit it.

Otabek shifted a bit and Yuri braced himself. He breathed when a swinging hit that he had expected didn’t come. Instead, Otabek just spoke. “You don’t have to answer me, but, um. Did your… boyfriend… cause, uh, _this_?” he asked and Yuri saw guilt flash in his eyes. Yuri sat up slightly with a wince.

But if there was anything Yuri was good at, it was being strong, or at least acting like he was stronger than he felt.

All in all, he had come to trust Otabek easily. Should he have? He didn’t really care at this point; the man had done everything right up until now. There wasn’t much else to lose anyway. Though, he felt internally worse, knowing that Mikhail would be pissed if he knew what he was saying, what he was giving up. His voice became bitter, “If you mean the bruises, yes. But if you wanna get technical, _I_ was the one who left the house knowing that I shouldn’t have.” He felt Otabek’s body tense under his legs.

 _It was my fault_.

Otabek must have picked up on the unspoken words because his eyes softened, but they weren’t with pity like Yuri expected. There was another reason to like this guy; he didn’t pity Yuri when others would have. “Yuri…” he murmured. Yuri watched his face, how he looked like he was searching for words but couldn’t find them. He couldn’t help but feel ashamed and he didn’t know why. Maybe it was because he was half expecting Otabek to be angry with him, like Mikhail would be. Or maybe it was because he knew Otabek was so much better than him and he felt like he was being judged.

But all those dark feelings were wiped from his mind as soon as Otabek carefully drew him in for a gentle embrace. Yuri’s body stiffened for a moment in his arms. He wasn’t expecting that. This was not what he was he used to. There were no wandering hands, no dirty words in his ear or on his neck; there was only a solid hug oozing with support and warmth and affection that Yuri hadn’t felt in years. He sunk into it easily after a moment, letting out a shaky breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

“I won’t let anyone hurt you, Yuri.” And Yuri knew from his tone alone that it was a promise.

 *

 

They ended up watching another documentary before they decided to call it a day. Otabek didn’t press for any more information, which Yuri was grateful for. He wasn’t ignoring it, but he wasn’t pushing Yuri either. Yuri, as much as he didn’t want to go to sleep, was physically exhausted and knew he needed to at least _try_. He reassured himself he was safe here, and Otabek was safe. He had proved to be so far, anyway. He hadn’t gotten angry, not even once, not at Yuri. Otabek, again, helped him to the bedroom and Yuri felt anxiety rise in his throat and his chest began to constrict his air supply when Otabek made to leave.

“Otabek?” he called out meekly, clutching onto one of the pillows on the bed. The man turned where he was almost at the door and raised an eyebrow. “Um, could you maybe… um, could you stay? F-for a little bit?” His face immediately heated in embarrassment. “You don’t have to—” he began, flustered and looking down at his own lap, but Otabek was already headed back to the bed.

That was all Yuri needed to relax a bit where he was laying.

Otabek perched on the end of his bed, giving Yuri a small smile. Something tugged at Yuri, telling him that the other man wasn’t anywhere near close enough. Yuri cocked his head, curiously, _trying_ to think through his words before he spoke his mind.

“You mostly keep your distance,” Yuri observed. The space between Otabek’s brows creased, which in turn caused his glasses to slip down his face a little. _Cute_.

“Well I mean, you need your space, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” he said, so sincerely it made Yuri’s heart flip. He was confused though. Did he want Otabek closer or did he like that he stayed an arm’s length away most of the time? Or did he appreciate him as being the only guy to ever acknowledge personal space?

But all Yuri did was huff a little, playful, and said, “At least sit next to me or something. It’s a little creepy having you watch me from down there.” He let a little grin slip onto his face and Otabek chuckled lightly. Yuri noticed the light blush on his face.

“Okay, okay,” he muttered, moving to sit on the opposite side of the bed from Yuri, against the headboard. Yuri closed his eyes then, trying to fall asleep, but all he felt was restless.

He could hear Otabek’s breathing, he could hear the ceiling fan whirring, but he couldn’t sleep. He could not do silence. It made him antsy and anxious. He opened his eyes after who-knows how long and looked to Otabek. He had his head back, looking up at the ceiling contemplatively. Yuri followed an invisible line with his eyes, trailing from the the tip of Otabek’s nose, to the dip and curve of his lips, to the bare plane of his neck. He was attractive, conventionally, but he also held something Yuri couldn’t define. He’d seen his fair share of hot guys, cute guys, and everything in between. But from the moment he saw the DJ play for the first time… “Otabek?” he whispered and the man’s head immediately turned to him.

“Can’t sleep?”

Yuri shook his head. “Do you, um… maybe have music? Or something?”

Otabek’s lips quirked upwards. “Yeah, um, sure. W-Would it be okay if I sang? I don’t… um, my speaker is charging.” That nervous chord in his voice was back and it was adorable. Yuri nodded.

“Of course. Anything. Just… not silence, please.”

Otabek scooted a tad closer to Yuri and Yuri could see the awkwardness in his movements. He smiled as he closed his eyes once more. This guy could perform in front of crowds but had trouble with this? His smile grew a little wider as he thought about it, but he kept his eyes closed, trying to make it easier for Otabek, the awkward DJ.

He relaxed instantaneously as soon as he heard Otabek’s deep voice ring out, and he questioned for a second why on earth Otabek hadn’t been adding his own voice to his tracks. He knew instantly that this wasn’t any of the edm tracks he knew, which was surprising. But It was like having his earbuds in, music washing over him in waves that soothed him. Yuri sighed, feeling himself half melting into the pillow under his head. He silently willed Otabek to relax more too.

 

_“I wanna sleep next to you_

_But that’s all I wanna do right now.”_

 

Otabek’s voice was a little shaky and breathy, probably with nerves but it was sweet and it was beautiful. Yuri knew that he would stop if he so much as commented on it, so he let himself be wrapped up in the other man’s lyrics. He didn’t want him to stop. Ever.

 

“ _And I wanna come home to you_

_But home is just a room full of my safest sounds.”_

 

Otabek’s voice became stronger as he went on and it was mesmerizing. It was soft, gentle, a lullaby to Yuri’s ears.

 

_“‘Cause you know I can’t trust myself with_

_Three A.M. shadows.”_

 

And Yuri was out like a light. Exhaustion—physical, emotional, and mental—hit him like a train.

 

“ _I wanna hold hands with you_

_But that’s all I wanna do right now_

_And I wanna get close to you...”_

 

They were the last words Yuri heard, his heartbeat and his breathing slowing into a rhythmic pattern as he sank further into the dark behind his eyelids. Having music, something so familiar and _safe,_ to comfort him helped him slip into a deep sleep.

 *

 

Otabek’s heart raced as soon as Yuri stopped him from leaving the room. He knew he was clearly nervous as he moved to sit closer to Yuri, but he couldn’t help that Yuri was the cutest, prettiest guy he’d ever laid eyes on. He couldn’t resist, not when he was tucked under the covers like that. Having said guy ask him to just _stay_ made his palms sweaty and his cheeks red. He felt like he was back in high school, crushing on every guy that was cute and nice to him. Crushing on his stupid best friend. He had thought silly things like this were over for him, he had grown up, right?

How had he gotten in so deep already? He barely knew Yuri, but he knew he cared for him deeply. He wanted to protect him with his whole being, wanted to be there for him. He supposed that much was already obvious. He barely knew Yuri but he knew he was sweet and funny and he needed to get out of whatever he was in. He deserved better. Otabek tried to push down the flame in his belly that told him that _he_ was this _‘better’_. He just needed Yuri to be safe, it wasn’t the time to be feeling _so much_.

He was staring at the ceiling when Yuri’s small “Otabek?” startled him out of his thoughts. He turned to look at the boy, all cuddled up under the blankets, and _god_ , his chest restricted. He was such a hopeless romantic. He couldn’t help but think about what it would be like to wake up to exactly this. All tousled blond hair, bed sheets and a whisper of his name. He mentally shook the thought from his mind before answering with, “Can’t sleep?” He wanted to help him in any way he needed.

The blond shook his head and he looked almost bashful. “Do you, um… maybe have music? Or something?”

Oh, he hadn’t thought to ask beforehand. But _of course_ this made sense.

Heat rose to his cheeks as a thought crossed his mind. Surely now, Yuri would understand that he would do absolutely anything for him. “Yeah, um, sure. W-Would it be okay if I sang? I don’t… um, my speaker is charging.” He knew he sounded nervous, but that was normal at this point. It was true, though it was probably fully charged at this point. But he would rather not leave the room to go get it. He’d like to stay here in all honesty, maybe take this chance to get an opinion on some of his original music.

“Of course.” Relief flooded Otabek’s body. “Anything. Just… not silence, please.” Otabek could sense his anxiety and his desperation for something to fill the air, so he braced himself as he scooted a little closer to Yuri. Oh, how he wanted to reach out and caress his cheek or play with his hair. Would Yuri like it if he played with his hair? Or just simply ran his fingers through it, massaging his scalp? He would willingly do either. He balled his fists on his thighs though. With everything that’s happened, he honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Yuri flinched away. That was okay though; Otabek was a patient man. He took a deep breath, trying to clear his mind of his wishful thinking. This wasn’t about him.

He began, shakily at first. But he grew accustomed to it and felt a little more confident once he realised that Yuri wasn’t watching him and he hadn’t told him to stop.

His lyrics took hold and he watched Yuri as he relaxed and quickly fell asleep before he even got to the chorus. He smiled to himself as he continued singing quietly, taking note of how peaceful Yuri looked.

He lost track of time or how many songs he actually sang, but his eyes were heavy with sleep by the time he got up and left Yuri to sleep soundly in his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song that otabek was singing is Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan!
> 
> should be back with another update around saturday/sunday! hope you all enjoyed!


	4. it just feels right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He swore he would try to prevent this boy from hurting ever again. Even if it was a doomed mission, he would do everything he could to try to make it successful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back! 
> 
> Chapter title comes from "Slow Motion" by Saint Motel
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: discussion of/implied physical and sexual abuse

Otabek, predictably, liked (read: fell harder for) Yuri more and more with each passing day. Yuri had become more relaxed in his presence, especially after that night when Otabek sang him to sleep. That particular detail had quickly become routine, and Otabek felt his stomach turn like crazy every time he sat in bed next to Yuri. Or just near him in general, really.

Yuri becoming more relaxed meant he was more vulnerable and readable. It was almost painful to see all of the emotions in Yuri’s face, all the miniscule expressions that crossed his features. But, Otabek was drawn to all of those parts of Yuri, too, not just his beauty and every other happy or good thing about him. It was _all_ of Yuri that had him falling. Was that even possible though? Yuri hadn’t been here long.

It was the their fourth day together when Otabek had to go grocery shopping and run other errands. Feeding Yuri regularly (and a lot, at that) required him to go if he wanted to keep it up. Yuri hadn’t said it but he could tell he really needed to be reminded to eat something. Feeding Yuri like that was one of those things Otabek didn’t even have to ask about. He could see how skinny and almost malnourished Yuri looked; and he definitely saw how his face lit up in front of the meals he prepared. Plus, Otabek liked cooking, so it was a win-win situation. In all honesty, he liked having someone there with him and somebody to look after.  

He was adjusting the collar under his sweater as he exited his room. Yuri was on the couch, playing with a handheld game that Otabek lent him so he had something to do until he could get him a new phone, much to Yuri’s chagrin. But, for now, it would keep him occupied when Otabek was busy. He had yet to return to the club to play gigs, too busy worrying and caring for Yuri. But he didn’t mind, of course. He’d much prefer to make sure that Yuri was okay. Plus, he was doing just fine financially.

“I’m off,” Otabek said in his usual reserved voice. He was still nervous around this boy, because Otabek was so plain and boring when put next to the firework that Yuri was. He grabbed his keys from the coffee table. “Do you want to come? Um, with me, I mean.” The thought of doing something as domestic as grocery shopping together caused a little heat in his cheeks before he could shrug it away.

The blond barely looked over the top of the small device as he said, “I’m fine.” Otabek nodded to himself as he made his way to the door to slip his shoes on. That was probably a good idea if he didn’t want his heart to feel like it was running a relay when he was doing something as simple as wondering around the stale aisles of a grocery store.

“Would you like anything, then?”

A moment of silence.

“I’m okay.”

“Alright, I’m off then. I should be home in, um, an hour maybe?”

“Okay. See you later.” The smile Yuri sent his way from over the back of the couch made Otabek’s face flush wholly. _God, he’s so beautiful._

With that, Otabek made his way out of his apartment and down to the parking lot. As soon as he got in the car and plugged his phone into the aux cord, he realized he left his wallet on his bedside table. He’d been distracted, probably ( _definitely_ ) thinking about a certain blond that was laid up in his home. He couldn’t repress the smile on his face as he thought about it again.  

Even in the short amount of time they’d spent together so far, Yuri’s confidence in himself around others was so appealing to Otabek. It had grown over the few days, quite obviously. He was confident in his sarcastic remarks and all of his little jokes and quips and Otabek loved it. He never went easy on Otabek despite Otabek being a nervous, self-conscious, stuttering mess. But of course Otabek went easy on Yuri. At least, that’s what Otabek told him anyway, when in reality, Otabek had never been good at comebacks, and why would he ever want to insult Yuri, an angel, even in a joking manner?

He made his way back inside the apartment and wasn’t surprised to see that Yuri was no longer on the couch. He thought nothing of it and made his way to the bedroom. The bathroom door was closed, and he knew Yuri was occupying it. It was no big deal 

That was until he grabbed his wallet from where it sat on the bedside table and headed out again only to be stopped by muffled sounds coming from the bathroom. He hated the idea of eavesdropping, but it was Yuri, and he sounded like he was crying. If the small sniffles and soft hiccupping gave anything away. And he hated the idea of Yuri crying, even more than eavesdropping.

He knocked gently on the bathroom door, not wanting to intrude, even in this case. “Yuri?” he called out gently. The sniffles faltered and it grew quiet. “Yuri?” he tried again.

“Wh-What?” Yuri’s voice was tiny, shaky and hoarse. He sounded like he was trying sound strong. _What happened?_ Otabek was worried.

“Can you open the door?” All he wanted to do now was comfort the blond. There was another moment of silence before the locked clicked, but the door didn’t open. Otabek waited another long minute before he took it as an invitation and opened it slowly. He found Yuri taking post on the floor, his back pressed against the tub and his knees curled to his chest. It was like the night he had found Yuri at his door. He was just as small, but now Yuri was more yellow and less purple, and there was considerably less panicked crying. But it broke Otabek’s heart nonetheless.

Quietly, Otabek sat next to Yuri on the floor, their shoulders nearly touching but not quite. It was not his place to give Yuri physical comfort after everything he’d been through, but if Yuri wanted a hug or a shoulder to literally lean on, he would be more than happy to provide. He didn’t want to push Yuri for anything, either, but he wondered if he should; if it would be for the best.

“Aren’t you going to ask me what’s wrong?” Yuri mumbled into his knees, eyes planted firmly on the tiled floor of the bathroom.

Otabek looked at his profile. He was all sharp angles from the line of his button nose to the high cheekbones that now sported fading bruises. His lashes were fairly long and slightly darker than the golden locks framing his face and chin. From Otabek’s side, said strands were tucked behind his ear and he desperately fought the urge to either reach out and touch his cheekbone or tuck flyaway hairs behind his ear.

Instead of acting on _anything_ he thought, he settled on saying, “It’s not my place to pry, Yuri. You can tell me anything _you_ want. You know I will still like you, right? Nothing will change that, I don’t think. I’ll still be here.” He wondered in the back of his mind how he remained so calm in situations like _these_ but stuttered when Yuri told him he was a big goofball.

Yuri seemed to contemplate and think his words over, because his shoulders, once tense, relaxed and he let out a long breath. His eyes, alight and _strong_ , but a little red and wet, looked Otabek’s way. A little blush was gracing those same cheekbones that Otabek admired so much.

“You actually like me? You don’t just feel sorry for me?” Yuri sniffled. Otabek hoped that Yuri already knew the answer to that.

Otabek turned his body fully towards him. “Of _course_ I like you. And no… I think you’re strong, though. And I think you deserve better. But I don’t feel _sorry_ for you. I don’t want this to happen again I—” Otabek paused for a moment, watching Yuri’s reaction before he continued softly, “This isn’t pity, Yuri, I know you can get through this and I’m here to help for as long as you want it.”  

Yuri drew in a long breath. His eyes returned to the floor and they sat in silence for a while. But Otabek never pressed; he never would unless it was his place to. He couldn’t imagine if a time like that would ever come.

Otabek was surprised when Yuri leaned over and rested his head tentatively on Otabek’s shoulder. _Oh god_ , he hoped Yuri couldn’t hear his heart and how fast it was pumping now. “I just… I’ve… never had anyone be there for me. Besides you.” His voice was so soft and genuine.  

“I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere,” was all Otabek said as he slowly and gently leaned his head so that it would rest on top of Yuri’s crown; giving Yuri enough room to move away if he wanted to. He felt Yuri nod slightly at his words and there was a lingering sniffle.

“A-And I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining, because Mikhail kn-knows better than I do, and I… I don’t know. I feel like…” He shrugged. “I feel gross. But I feel like I shouldn’t feel that way. But I also think I should, because I _am_.” Yuri let out a laugh, and it was anything but humorous. It was a bitter, self-deprecating sound that Otabek wished away. “I don’t even make any fucking sense.”

Otabek was quiet. He didn’t know what to say, and he wanted Yuri to feel like he was being listened to. It seemed to work, because Yuri continued, “I’ve been with him for three years as his… _boyfriend_ . Longer than that as… something else. I don’t know what to call it.” Otabek frowned. Yuri would have only been sixteen, and this guy was definitely older than Yuri, it sounded like. “A-And I’ve always told myself he loves me. Or else he would kick me out, right? But then I think of you and everything you’ve done for me for these past four days and I wonder if what he’s told me all this time is true. You take care of me and you barely know me. Shouldn’t he do the same as my boyfriend? Shouldn’t he do _more_?” Yuri’s voice was becoming shaky again and Otabek leaned a little bit into Yuri, wanting to show his support silently. Was he really Yuri’s introduction to kindness? To support and caring? To love?

“But then I tell myself I can’t think those things because Mikhail would beat my ass again if he knew how I thought.” Yuri let out another laugh and Otabek’s bones chilled. No one spoke for a while because Otabek didn’t want to say something stupid and Yuri because he seemed to be trying to gather his thoughts once more. “I know I deserve it, I honestly do, I swear. I made a stupid mistake and I—”

“No,” Otabek was abrupt in cutting Yuri off but despite his obvious upset and anger, his voice was soft when directed at the boy sitting next to him. “Yuri, that’s not how it works, you know that, right? You don’t deserve any of this. Nobody does.”

“I knew what could happen and I did it anyway,” Yuri spoke in a soft whisper now.

“No, no you are not responsible for this, Yuri.” Otabek couldn’t help but wrap an arm around Yuri now. He was shaking, he had to do _something_. “I’m here,” he tried to soothe him. Yuri was crying in his arms and all Otabek could do was hold him and rub his back as gently as he could.

“I-I’m sorry….”

“Please don’t apologize. None of this is on you, I promise.”

“C-Can I, um, show you something then?” His sniffles were lessening again but he sounded nervous.

“Of course.” Otabek searched Yuri’s face and he pulled out of his embrace.

Otabek did _not_ expect Yuri to start pulling his pants down. His face bloomed red and Yuri found it in himself to giggle. But it was short-lived as Yuri pulled his sweats just past his hip, revealing something nasty and purple even days after Yuri’s arrival. “Um, this has been bothering me for a while…” That explained the continuous limping. “I uh. Don’t really know what to do, and I didn’t want to bother you. You have just done so much already, so—”

“Yuri…” Otabek breathed his name out like a sad little sigh before he snapped into action. “That’s… we need to get this elevated, okay? We should have been doing this already, god. I should get you to a hospital, just to get you checked—”

“No!” Yuri startled. “Um. No hospitals. It’s fine, I’ll do the… elevating whatever, I’ll do that. Got ice?”

“Yuri, you really should go…”

“No, I’m staying here.” It was a protest, a refusal, but it was soft. Probably against his better judgement, Otabek caved into Yuri’s wishes.

“Okay, I’m getting you some ice then. Are there any more?”

Yuri’s eyes flickered to the floor, almost guiltily. Without speaking, he peeled his shirt off and his pale skin was littered with bruises, scabbed scratches, and fingerprints and… were they hickeys? Otabek felt like crying. “ _Shit_ , Yuri…” His hips seemed to be the worst and Otabek’s stomach churned with anger. He didn’t even know what to say.

“Gross… like I said,” Yuri whispered, eyes fixed on the floor and refusing to even look in Otabek’s direction. Otabek knew it would have to have been bad for him to get to the point of showing him. But his heart sank even further at his words.

“Yuri… you’re perfect. These just. They don’t belong here, okay? He… whoever did this to you, _they’re_ gross. They’re _sick_. Not you.”

Otabek watched as small tears streamed down Yuri’s cheek and pattered onto the tiled floor.

It was then that he swore he would try to prevent this boy from hurting ever again. Even if it was a doomed mission, he would do everything he could to try to make it successful. But he didn’t press for anything more, and gently took Yuri’s hand. Yuri seemed receptive to the gentle touch and latched on as Otabek took him to the couch. “Lay down however you’re comfortable. I’m getting the ice.”

Yuri nodded, eyes red and nose puffy now. “They—most of them don’t hurt anymore… they just look bad.”

“But this one?” Otabek asked in reference to his hip as he came back, a bag of ice in each hand for the worst bruises along his hips.

“Mm… this one makes it hard to move,” Yuri stated in a way that told Otabek that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to admit to the pain.

“We have to get your blood circulating to that area, we… you might have to massage around it,” Otabek needed to stop assuming Yuri would let him do anything to help, especially if it involved touching him in any kind of way, “If it’s too much though, the pain. I’ll do it, if you want me to. O-Or you can, of course.” He was blushing again. Yuri smiled gently even as the cold ice bags touched his tender skin.

“If you wanted to touch me, you should have just asked,” Yuri said jokingly but Otabek felt _bad_.

“Yuri—I, that’s not—I wouldn’t…” He didn’t want to touch Yuri like _that_. At least, not now, not yet. Not like this. That small, barely there smile on Yuri’s face faded though.

“Oh.” Yuri said. It was a whisper. “W-Why not?”

Otabek frowned slightly as he covered Yuri with a blanket. “Yuri…” was all he said. If he explained why, he’d basically give himself up by admitting his huge crush on him. And he had a… boyfriend? Ex? Scary ex? It was all too much and Otabek would be patient for Yuri. He would be patient until he was ready to to hear the truth. If he ever wanted the truth.  

But Yuri looked so _devastated_ and Otabek didn’t know why. “A-Am I… ugly? Is it the bruises?”

“Yuri, no, of course not. You’re gorgeous, I promise. I just… that’s not what I’m here for. You know? I’m not… I’m not going to take advantage of you like that.”

“But you’re s-so nice to me.” Yuri actually looked confused and it hurt. Did Yuri really think he was trying to get something out of being nice to him? _Fuck, what has this kid been through?_

Otabek took Yuri’s hand carefully. “Yes, I am nice to you because I’m a decent human being and I care about you. There’s no ulterior motive.”

Yuri looked down at their joined hands and let out a shaky breath, “What if I want there to be?” Otabek could sense the faux confidence.

Otabek didn’t even know what to say, again left speechless as he often was by Yuri. He knew there was a reason he seemed so much older, and this… this was a look into what he’d gone through, wasn’t it?

“How about… how about we talk about that when you’re feeling a little better?” Otabek replied, trying to remain calm and to treat this situation carefully.

Yuri just nodded once and turned his head to look away from Otabek. His hand was limp in his hold and Otabek let go slowly. He felt awful, knowing Yuri felt obligated to give him something physical, just like he had that first morning he met him. He also felt utterly cruel for making him look so sad.

“Take a nap, okay? You need it. I have to go get groceries for dinner tonight. I won’t take long and I promise I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“‘Kay,” Yuri mumbled and Otabek just let out a sigh.

“You’ll be okay here?” Otabek felt the need to ask. He didn’t exactly enjoy coming home to a distraught Yuri on the bathroom floor. He also knew though, that Yuri needed some space, and he would give that to him.

Yuri nodded, his eyes fluttering shut.

He left once again, hoping the boy would feel better by dinner time.

*

  
He was back before Yuri woke up from a well-earned, much-needed nap, like he promised. He put away the groceries quietly, and his mind wandered back to Yuri, as always.  

He knew this much: Yuri Plisetsky was a bright, vibrant boy with a history that wasn’t happy and a love for music that could rival his own. He knew his birthday was March 1st, and that he loved big cats (all cats) and dancing.

He knew nothing of a family besides the bastard for a boyfriend, nothing of any friends, nothing of school. He didn’t seem to have any good memories that weren’t associated with music and Otabek hoped he could change that. And soon.

Otabek was pulled from his thoughts as he started dinner and heard tell-tale footsteps. He turned to meet Yuri’s eyes, still shirtless and sweats hanging low.

 _Don’t look, don’t look, just look at his face, Otabek. Be strong_. _Now is not the time._

“Sleep well?” he asked politely. The blond nodded. “You should still be laying down. That bruise needs to rest.”

Yuri just shrugged and sat at the table. It was quiet besides the music that consistently played through Otabek’s apartment. Otabek didn’t mind and just continued to cook, enjoying Yuri’s presence, nonetheless.

It didn’t take long to put dinner on the table and for them to eat. It was quieter than it had been in the past few days and Otabek knew that it was because of their exchange earlier. But, Otabek had been cooking up a better idea and he hoped that Yuri was receptive to it.

“Yuri,” he said and the boy looked up from his plate at the sound of his name. “Would you like to… um, I mean, you can… uh, you can stay as long as you need. If you want to…”

Yuri’s eyes widened with what seemed to be disbelief. “Are you serious?”

Otabek nodded firmly.

“I-I can’t, I don’t wanna make you—”

“You’re not _making_ me do anything, Yuri. It’s a decision I’ve come to by myself. I don’t want you going back there if you don’t have to.”

“Otabek, I can’t just _barge_ in on your life like that, I’ve done it enough already.” The look in Yuri’s eyes was cautious and taken-aback. “I can just. You know, get a job and get out of your hair, it’s okay, you don’t need to feel obligated, honestly—”

“Yuri,” Otabek interrupted. He hated speaking over the top of him, it felt awful but really, he needed to make sure that Yuri felt safe here. “Yuri, none of that matters, I just need to know that you’re safe and if that means you’re here then that’s how it’s gonna be. And I like having you here…”

Yuri narrowed those green eyes that reminded Otabek of forests and waterfalls and oceans; of freedom. He saw it in Yuri’s eyes but he wanted the boy to be able to grasp it himself, to be able to function as the free spirit Otabek saw underneath his layers of instilled fear.

“I…” Yuri seemed as though he was lost for words. “Okay, I admit that I have nowhere else to go,” he began, his sculpted blond brows furrowed together, making a crease at the bridge on his nose. He said this, shrugging as if Otabek hadn’t already guessed. His face scrunched into something like concentration. It was adorable.

“You’re having your bed back, then, and I’m taking the couch, and this is just until I’m able to find my own place, okay?”

Otabek shook his head and sighed. “Yuri, your body needs to heal right now, you can’t sleep on the couch.” Otabek got up and began to clear away dishes as he spoke. It was an attempt to escape Yuri’s critical gaze. He couldn’t have him notice the way his cheeks burned pink or the stutter in his heart as he asked Yuri to stay here with him.

Yuri crossed his arms. He looked a bit like a petulant child like that, but Otabek found it cute. “It’s _your_ house. And _your_ bed, Otabek.”

“You should know at this point that I don’t mind,” he said coolly.

“ _I_ do.”

Otabek ignored him and continued with his clean up. It was amusing to see Yuri pouting and he did almost the whole time he washed the dishes until Yuri spoke so quietly, Otabek wasn’t sure it was even him who spoke.

“What if we just… shared the bed?”

It had Otabek’s head snapping to the blond, who looked embarrassed. “What?” He had to be sure he wasn’t hearing things.

“I-I mean, it’s a queen bed, so like… we could share, couldn’t we?”

The more Otabek thought about it, the more it made sense. “Are you sure?” he asked, because he had to make certain that Yuri wanted this and was comfortable with it. Otabek took a few moments to mull over the pros and cons.

The cons were that Otabek’s heart might explode from how fast it would probably beat, and pros being that he would be graced with Yuri’s presence, the ability to see his peacefulness, and being there for him if he needed. All in all, it would be better for both of them. Right? They wouldn’t have to worry about who was sleeping where… and Yuri seemed comfortable with Otabek singing him to sleep, so what would be so much different? Otabek would be sure to not touch him in any way that made him uncomfortable.

But Yuri replied so eagerly and genuinely, “Yes,” that Otabek was comfortable enough to agree. He must have taken too long, because Yuri started again, “Unless you don’t want to? Or if you can’t stand me or whatever….”

“N-No! Not at all! I mean, sure! Fuck, um, _yes,_ sharing is fine!”

Yuri just smirked at him and Otabek’s face bloomed in heat. “It’s settled then. No one’s sleeping on that oh-so-comfy couch.”

He had a sure feeling he was going to have trouble sleeping tonight.

*

  
The days events were… a lot, to say the least. Yuri felt emotionally drained, but he really was grateful that he finally had somebody to talk to, even if it was initially scary and intimidating. But he felt a little bit lighter, and he reminded himself it was only scary and intimidating because no one else had been there for him before. This was just like a stepping stone, right? Emotions and mental state aside, the swelling on and around his hips was going down considerably after Otabek made him keep his hips elevated and iced. It still hurt to walk, but it would heal. There was _definitely_ no need to go to a hospital—the thought of doing that alone gave him massive amounts of anxiety. Mikhail would be absolutely furious if he ever found out he’d done such a thing. It topped the list of _Things Yuri Can’t Do_ , and he was already breaking half of those rules.

Right now, though, Yuri was gaping at the man standing across from him. Otabek was offering him a place to live? He couldn’t believe his ears—it was insane, it was so soon, this guy barely knew Yuri and yet it was too good to be true. As wave after wave of confusion and possible terrible scenarios crashed over him as he scrambled for logic, he realised that he was… relieved and… happy?

What he felt was similar to how finding new music or dancing made him feel. He felt like little bubbles of light were in his chest, daring to spill out in the form of gratitude, or even a smile. He could have sworn that the coloured lights from the club had found their way into his ribcage somehow and just shone on from the inside. He could feel it in himself that he was beaming. He knew it was good. He needed to control it though, he couldn’t let himself get too comfortable, right? Besides, he couldn’t help the guilt that came from staying in Otabek’s home, lying around uselessly. Rent free, too. The man wouldn’t even accept any sexual favours.

 _That_ was a first. It genuinely confused Yuri. Otabek was a math problem to be be solved. And Yuri struggled with math.

He tried to tell himself that this was okay; that Otabek seriously wasn’t looking for anything in return. But, Yuri had too many encounters with men and payments and things like that, and it was hard to tell if this guy was being serious.

But the thing about Otabek was that there was an air of difference around him… what was it? Why did he think he was different?

There was absolutely no way he’d take Otabek’s bed for an indefinite amount of time, though. That would be just plain rude of him, and if he had anything at all to offer this world, he at least had common courtesy. And as Otabek seemed to be refusing to take his bed back, Yuri had to resort to the next best thing he could think of.

“What if we just… shared the bed?” It wasn’t the first time in the four days of his stay that he’d thought about it. Or even hinted at it. Otabek was hot, sweet, made him feel safe, and every night he sang him to sleep while sitting with him on the bed. How could he _not_ think of the possibility at least once?

A disbelieving “What?” flew out of Otabek’s mouth. Shit, was he really that repulsing for Otabek to be looking at him like that? Was his suggestion really that crazy?

It was obviously time to cover his ass. “I-I mean, it’s a queen bed, so like… we could share, couldn’t we?”

“Are you sure?” Otabek asked after a few moments of thought.

“Yes,” Yuri replied sincerely. He didn’t feel threatened by Otabek in anyway, really. But… “Unless you don’t want to? Or if you can’t stand me, or whatever….” That possibility was too real and plausible, so Yuri figured that must be why Otabek seemed so reluctant. After all, Yuri was just a slut looking for any cock he could get. As always, right? That must have been what this looked like. He flinched at the voice telling him so in his head—the voice was Mikhail’s through and through.

But Otabek was quick to answer after. He stuttered out, as usual, “N-No! Not at all! I mean, sure! Fuck, um, _yes_ , sharing is fine!"

Yuri had to regain his composure; take his thoughts away from Mikhail. He put on a smirk, fake as all hell, and said, “It’s settled then. No one’s sleeping on that oh-so-comfy couch.” Otabek just nodded, his face that familiar shade of pink, and resumed his cleaning. He was clearly flustered and Yuri couldn’t help all the insecurities that flooded his mind again.

Did Otabek not like him? That couldn’t be it, not with all the compliments and the carefulness of every action Otabek took. Was he uncomfortable with Yuri’s presence? Was this really just pity after all? Probably. Otabek couldn’t go to work while looking after him, couldn’t hang out with friends, couldn’t do much really. He was just a burden to this kind man.

Was it acceptable to go to bed yet? Yuri just wanted to sink into the mattress with Otabek’s voice lulling him to a sleep he wouldn’t wake up from.

Otabek interrupted his train of thought though with, “Do you want ice cream or cake for dessert?”

Damn, Otabek had certainly figured out how to distract him.

“Ice cream,” Yuri grumbled and Otabek was quick to serve him a bowl that he gratefully took. “So, um, there’s a movie I saw and want to watch. It’s called _The Aristocats_ …? Do you know it or if it’s any good?” That earned him a grin from Otabek.

“Yeah, it’s good. You’ll love it since you love cats so much.” 

“Want to watch it with me then?”

Any tension between them was quick to dissipate. “I’d love to.” With that, Yuri took his ice cream to the couch and Otabek joined him not too much later when Yuri was pulling up Netflix. Otabek was kind enough to allow him to use his account while he rested and healed. Yuri was making good use of it.

They got settled with the movie on and Yuri was quick to down his ice cream and lay down. He settled his feet in Otabek’s lap. Otabek didn’t push him away like Yuri had half-expected. Instead, his hands rested gently on his ankles. His hands were soft and tentative and it made Yuri _blush_. What the hell? He would hate to admit how much he loved that simple touch.

But, the movie played on and Yuri was captivated by the lightheartedness of the film. Maybe, this was a chance at happiness that Otabek was giving him.

By the end of the movie, Yuri had fallen in love. Plus, his desire to have his own furry feline had increased dramatically. “I want a cat!” he whined to Otabek as he tilted his head back against the arm of the couch and stared at the ceiling. He could practically _hear_ the smile on his face along with the little hum he made.

“What would you name it if you got one?”

Yuri didn’t even have to think about his answer. He’d dreamed of getting a cat for so long he knew exactly what he’d name it. “Puma Tiger Scorpion,” he said proudly. “But I’d call her Potya for short. Isn’t that the coolest name _ever_?”

Otabek didn’t respond and Yuri was about to say something when he felt trembling where his feet still rested on Otabek’s thighs. He propped himself up on his elbows and found Otabek covering his mouth, stifling laughter. Narrowing his eyes and pouting, Yuri demanded, “What’s so funny?”

“S-Sorry! Th-That’s a super cool name. The coolest.” With those words, Otabek burst into laughter. His laugh, true and genuine, was deep and rich. Yuri thought it was another song he could listen to on repeat.

Yuri, smiling now, just leaned back and lightly kicked Otabek’s thigh. “Meanie. I hope Puma Tiger Scorpion doesn’t like you whenever I get her.” Otabek just kept on laughing.

“Where did you even come up with that?” he asked when he finally calmed down enough from his fit. Tears beaded at the corners of his eyes. Yuri shrugged.

“Three of the most badass creatures on the planet, why not combine them?” Otabek just grinned and looked at him in a way Yuri couldn’t very well decipher, but he _liked_ it. His cheeks were all flushed and his eyes shone even in the dark room, lit up only by the T.V. Yuri could probably stare at him forever if it wasn’t considered creepy.

“I suppose you have a point,” Otabek finally said, just as Yuri yawned. “Tired?” Yuri nodded, stretching and wincing slightly when every bruise on his body ached with it. “Let’s get ready for bed then.” Yuri complied easily, all the day’s events hitting him at once. Otabek was careful as he helped him up, and kept a gentle hand hovering near his back as they walked to the bedroom together.

And like every other night, Otabek was sweet as he practically tucked Yuri in. Except tonight, Otabek didn't immediately join him like he usually would. Instead, he somewhat awkwardly said, “Let me change and I’ll be back.” And when he left, Yuri was excited and nervous all at once. _Why?_ Stupid feelings.

It didn’t take long for Otabek to come back, clothed in loose sweats and a white, soft cotton t-shirt that hugged those lovely biceps. Fuck, Yuri was reminded just how hot Otabek was despite not being in leather like that first night Yuri had spotted him at the DJ’s booth. Yuri couldn’t help that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that told him that he kinda wanted to see Otabek in less. “Don’t you sleep without a shirt?” was the first thing Yuri thought to ask, like an idiot. But he was more than fine with the idea of sleeping next to a shirtless Otabek. 

Expectedly, Otabek’s face turned red. “Uh… yes? But—um, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” There were those words again. Why did he have to be so fucking caring and considerate? All Yuri could say was, “Oh,” as Otabek climbed into bed and under the covers. The bed dipped under Otabek’s weight and Yuri felt safe with him there, like he had for his entire stay so far. The room was dark and Otabek’s voice filled every space, guiding Yuri into dreaming.


	5. where the past comes back to life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri couldn't help but feel that attraction he’d first experienced at the club. Only now it was stronger and Yuri felt… weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Clairty by Zedd (feat. Foxes) Remix.
> 
> chapter warnings: referenced/implied rape

Yuri woke up feeling warm. A very comfortable kind of warm, with a weight pressed against his back and over his side.

“Hng,” Yuri grunted, probably very unattractively as he opened his eyes to blaring sunlight. Otabek should really invest in some darker curtains; he’d have to tell him—

Oh. _Otabek_.

It was then that Yuri remembered that _he and Otabek were sharing a bed_ and he suddenly realized that _holy fuck_ , it was Otabek that was the warmth surrounding him, the weight that was resting across his ribs and against his back. And like hell Yuri was going to waste this chance to be close to him. Honestly, he wasn’t very surprised to find out that Otabek was a cuddler. He was surprised, though, to find out that he himself might be a cuddler.

He was careful as he turned in Otabek’s arms, wanting to face the man and allow himself to take in the sight. _Damn_ , was it worth it. Otabek looked just as good while sleeping as he did when he was awake—his hair was all bedhead and his face was relaxed. His tanned skin glowed in the sunlight. He was adorable, really. Yuri was quick to nestle closer in Otabek’s strong, well-muscled arms, pressing his face against his firm chest. His heart beat wildly as he nuzzled his nose slightly into the fabric of the other man’s shirt. Otabek’s heartbeat was steady and strong just like the rest of him (when he wasn’t flustered, of course). How was it that Otabek’s DJ persona was reflected and naturally seen the most while he was sleeping? Yuri couldn't help but feel that attraction he’d first experienced at the club. Only now it was stronger and Yuri felt… weird.

Having a person cause his heart to race and his face to heat up was an entirely new experience for Yuri. Mikhail, even in the early stages of their relationship, never caused Yuri to feel such things. Every guy he fucked was a similar story. Sure, he’d felt attraction before but this? And Otabek… why did he feel like this around him? He convinced himself it was just gratitude for being taken in, and _not_ a stupid crush. Because it _couldn’t_ be. Right? Yuri didn’t get _crushes_. And Mikhail _loved_ him, and he loved Mikhail. Those times with other guys at the club, that was different and lust-fueled. That was all he needed. It was wrong to feel this way, right? It _had_ to be gratitude.

Yuri shook the doubtful thoughts from his mind, attempting to will himself to relax and indulge in Otabek. His warmth, his smell, his messy hair. It was early and he felt comparatively peaceful now, so Yuri told himself he’d figure it out later. For now, he took in Otabek’s scent (minty, earthy, _amazing_ ) and allowed himself to fall back asleep in Otabek’s arms.

 

*

 

The first thing Otabek noticed when he woke up was that he had hair in his mouth. It definitely wasn’t _his_ hair, either.

The second thing Otabek noticed moments later when his consciousness followed was that Yuri was curled up against his chest... which was now suddenly pounding incessantly. He blinked away any remaining sleep clouding his vision and _stared_ like a fucking creep, probably. But _fuck_ , Yuri was an actual angel like this. His features were smooth as he slept peacefully; his hair was mussed but lit up by the sun shining behind him, giving him a halo of light. His hands, skinny and long and lithe, were curled up against Otabek’s stomach. A hoard of fucking butterflies made his insides flip and drop at the sight.

The third thing Otabek noticed was that his arms were wrapped around Yuri and they were full-fledged _cuddling_. Well, fuck. He knew he was a cuddler but he had gotten an extra pillow to cuddle with to prevent this. Not that he often shared a bed with anyone other than his best friend, Leo until now. He wasn’t exactly… used to having company in bed. He supposed Yuri’s body heat attracted him sometime during the night. Not that he was complaining. He was just worried Yuri would think he had done this on purpose or that he was coming onto him, and he totally would, but Yuri wasn’t ready and Otabek didn’t want to make him uncomfortable—

—and fuck, Yuri was waking up. Oh god, it would be weird to jerk out from under him, right? He saw the reaction he got when he had rejected some sort of sexual favour. He didn’t want to see that face again. How could he explain this? It really _was_ an accident. He would never, not on purpose. He—

“Good morning,” Yuri said and all of Otabek’s racing, incoherent thoughts stopped. His mind was a mess as he watched Yuri’s eyelids flutter delicately and a smile curve at his lips. There went Otabek’s heart. Yuri was so adorable, _holy shit._

“G-Good morning,” Otabek stuttered in response, flustered simply by Yuri’s words, his morning voice and his presence in general. He was an absolute goner. But more than flustered, Otabek felt guilty. So, he was going to start the day with a sincere apology. “Um, I’m so—”

But he was once again interrupted by Yuri who chose that moment to lay his head back down on Otabek’s chest, wiggling closer to him and he felt their _legs entwining_. He was going to go into cardiac arrest, he swore.

“I uh… is this okay?” Otabek asked nervously but he kept quiet so maybe he wouldn’t ruin whatever mood they had as much. He was almost certain that his heart would jump out of his mouth at any given moment.

“Mhm,” Yuri hummed easily. He sounded so content and Otabek was _so warm_. Oh god, his crush was getting out of control. His responsibility was to make sure this boy was safe, not give off any impression that he was here for anything other than that. _Fuck_.

He had to trust Yuri to be honest with him, he guessed. So, Otabek let himself relax just a little, keeping his arms limp where they touched Yuri. He could feel exactly how skinny he was like this, even with all the food he’d been feeding him and all the resting he was doing. But… would it be cliché to say he felt like they _fit_? He really was a hopeless romantic, just like Leo told him every chance he got. Otabek supposed that was alright, if it meant his heart felt this full everyday. At least for a little while.

Otabek was so embarrassed after they both got up and ready for the day. He didn’t have any specific reason to be, but his cheeks seemed to heat up every time Yuri so much as looked in his direction. He was used to being shy, sure that was kinda his thing. But bashful? He didn’t think he’d actually felt like this since high school. This was ridiculous and he knew it. But Yuri didn’t seem to mind at all. He was all smiles and he seemed calmer than normal, lighter and brighter. Otabek could only be grateful.

Cuddling became _normal_ after that morning _._ And damn, Otabek was enjoying it. Yuri seemed to feel the same. As did light, casual touches. You know, light brushing of hands, Yuri’s small hand sometimes resting on Otabek’s thigh as they watched T.V. That one continued to make Otabek blush, even at the thought. But Otabek wasn’t asking for more, he _wouldn’t_ , and Yuri was doing this on his own accord. He just hoped Yuri didn’t feel obligated.

  


It was one night during the end of the second week of Yuri’s stay when Otabek gave in to an urge he’d had for so long. They were laying in bed, already comfy and quiet, but not quite ready to actually sleep. They were cuddled up, pressed chest to back, when Otabek tucked a lock of hair behind Yuri’s ear. He’d been waiting so long to do that, it felt like. And he really enjoyed it… more than he probably should for something so simple. But Yuri grinned and pink dusted his cheeks. He didn’t think he has ever seen that pink before. Otabek smiled right back.

Otabek could tell Yuri still had things on his mind though as he looked around the room, eyes a little distant and his tongue not as sharp tonight. And, feeling a little brave, Otabek asked, “You okay?”

Yuri nodded simply but after a moment of thought, he added in a whispered tone, “I’ve never had this before…” Otabek just nodded, arm ever-so-slightly tightening around Yuri’s waist, a simple gesture of support. His hips and bruises were healing up nicely. Most of them were faded and not aching, but his hips still did have a ways to go before the deep bruising would be gone. “Mikhail. He just never… I’m not saying that’s what this is, I know, but I just—”

“I know, Yuri,” Otabek mumbled, his lips near Yuri’s ear. He didn’t mean to interrupt, but he wanted and needed Yuri to understand that he was listening and he knew what he meant. That it was okay. That Otabek was supporting him.

Yuri visibly shivered. Otabek was _so close_ now, his voice and sweet words and breath in his ear. Oh god. He had _just said_ that this wasn’t anything, he needed to follow through, dammit. “He loves me, though,” Yuri said forcefully and Otabek realized how much it sounded like he was trying to convince himself. He wasn’t going to mention it, though, not when all of his wounds were so fresh. Otabek just gave a small nod, more as a gesture for Yuri to continue than one of agreement. “But this is so nice,” Yuri said quietly. “Mikhail barely gave me any cuddles in the beginning of our relationship. I guess that’s just not how we work, though.”

Otabek remained quiet as Yuri talked. It seemed to help the boy relax and let things out instead of bottling them up, like he seemed to be doing. It was because of this that Otabek forced any negative comments or visible squirming back. Yuri needed a _friend_. And Otabek would gladly be that.

“Sometimes I think maybe he might be worried about me,” Yuri was speaking slow and soft, in that way that made him look smaller than he already was. His eyes were cast down, lashes brushing against his pale cheeks and Otabek watched patiently as they fluttered and blinked. A mannerism that Otabek knew now was a way he stopped himself from crying. He’d, unfortunately, seen it too many times.

Otabek wanted to believe this guy cared enough about Yuri, but from the only evidence he had seen this far… his chest tightened at the thought.

“He used to say he would worry if I didn’t come home on time. Or tell him where I was going. And… well now I’m two whole weeks late and I don’t have a phone I didn’t say anything when I left.” He was taking deep, shaky breathes now. “His worry just looks so different to your worry, Otabek and I’m so confused.”

Otabek didn’t realize, he swore, but he had begun to idly trace soothing patterns on Yuri’s arm as he listened to him speak. When Yuri took a moment, Otabek couldn’t help but ask, “Are you happy with him, Yuri?” because that was the most important thing.

Otabek honestly thought Yuri had fallen asleep. There was no answer for a solid five minutes, until Yuri broke his silence and spoke again, his voice a shadow lost in the dark. “I don’t think I have ever been truly happy. But I think I am finding out what it means to be happy here, with you.”

And if that didn’t make Otabek’s heart combust with emotion, both sinking and soaring in the same second, he didn’t know what would. Because all at once, that sentence pained him; Yuri deserved happiness. He was only _nineteen_. And yet, he seemed to be finding himself _here_ , with Otabek, and he knew he was doing something sort of right for this boy. That made Otabek incredibly happy.

“Mikhail has been my first everything,” Yuri admitted a few minutes later when Otabek didn’t say anything. He’d opted for a silent response, because he was afraid he’d probably start crying, expressing his hate for Mikhail, or confessing to Yuri if he opened his mouth. None of those options were appropriate right now. Yuri needed this, needed to let it out. “I didn’t want him to be.”

And fuck, if Otabek didn’t start crying before, it was probably going to happen in a matter of seconds. So he just squeezed Yuri lightly. “That’s why I started going to raves and clubs. I got to choose who I wanted to touch and who I wanted to touch me. Never really had that choice at home. After a while, I accepted it. Thought it was normal. But being away from it now though...”

Oh, Otabek was crying now. Quietly. But still.

“And I guess… I don’t know. Mikhail is… was all I had. For a while.” Yuri took Otabek’s hand gently and Otabek laced their fingers together. “So thank you. For giving me what you have so far.”

“You don’t have to do that anymore,” Otabek said as he squeezed Yuri’s hand gently. And Yuri nodded.

“I know. Thank you.” A pause. “Can you sing now?”

Otabek chuckled softly, his voice hoarse from the silent cries he swallowed down. “Yeah. I can try.”

And try he did. He was still affected by Yuri’s words, and he knew there was _more_ and _worse_. Otabek didn’t think he could take it without breaking down in front of Yuri, honestly. It was so hard to hear that anyone could ever hurt him. He put that into his song, though. One he had written during Yuri’s time with him.

 

“ _I’ll feel your fears for you,_

_I’ll cry your tears for you._

_I’ll do anything I can_

_To make you comfortable.”_

 

Otabek’s voice broke and he felt Yuri’s body start to tremble in his arms. Otabek nuzzled the back of Yuri’s head, holding him close as he sang to him.

 

“ _Even if I fall down_

_When you're not around,_

_Don’t worry about me,_

_Don’t worry about me_.”

 

Yuri’s body was shaking with his silent sobs and Otabek pet his hair, his own tears streaming down his face and onto the pillow under him. Yuri continued to be his muse, through and through. He wondered if Yuri knew or if he could tell.

 

“ _I’ll climb the hills you face,_

_I’ll do this in your place,_

_I’ll do anything to go through it_

_Instead of you.”_

 

Otabek sang through the song, his throat aching with restraint, burning with the salty tears he pushed back. Yuri’s sobs were barely audible, but they were there. It hurt. It hurt so much, and he could feel it secondhand by holding the blond in his arms. But he kept singing, song after song, until Yuri calmed down and finally fell asleep. He didn’t know how long he stayed up after Yuri, but he was exhausted by the time he fell into a deep sleep.

A few more days passed after that night. They had let out pent up emotions and Yuri seemed like he kept getting lighter and lighter since then. Just as he admitted that rather emotional night, Yuri seemed _happier._

Yuri was walking normally, _finally_ , and he was becoming _very_ touchy with Otabek. Hand holding, leaning into Otabek’s side almost every chance he could, all of it. Otabek loved it. He had to be ready to reject any further advances Yuri made though, because there was no way the blond was ready for that. And quite honestly, Otabek wasn’t either.

But, the only time Yuri had gotten out of the house was just the other day when Otabek went grocery shopping again, and he could sense all of Yuri’s pent up energy. So, he wasn’t that surprised when he asked, “Can I go to the club with you?” after Otabek said he was starting work at the club again. And who was Otabek to deny Yuri something that once was his only outlet?

He deliberated, and he didn’t really want to give Yuri rules, because he was his own person. But he _worried_. Particularly under the circumstances that this was how they met. “Fine. But can you… can you stay away from alcohol? A-And any pills? I don’t know if you… but I-It would make me feel better about you going out? I know what the scene is like...”

Yuri nodded without much thought. Wow. Otabek had kind of expected a little resistance.

“I go for the music, Otabek,” He said, agreeing. But, then what Yuri had said the other night about Mikhail trailed through Otabek’s mind. _No_ , this wasn’t the same. He wanted Yuri to be safe, he didn’t want control over him. Yuri seemed happy enough to agree, but then his face fell. Otabek’s heart clenched in anticipation. “Shit. I don’t have… my usual clubbing clothes.”

He felt slightly relieved. He took a breath and smiled, because this was a perfect bonding opportunity. He wanted to _know_ Yuri.“What do you say we go shopping, then?”

The elated expression that took control of Yuri’s features was completely worth it.

 

*

 

Once Yuri’s initial excitement at the possibility of shopping had died down, his face fell again as he came to the realisation that he had no money. Otabek had, in fact, been providing for him and he had never had a _real_ job when he was living with Mikhail. He supposed that Mikhail had been providing for him too, right? Plus, he’d been told his job was to just be good and to please him and his friends…. God, he didn’t need Otabek to think that he was just a user or a lazy parasite. He couldn’t go shopping. No. _Especially_ since the tone of Otabek’s voice gave away that he was going to insist in paying for things.

“Yuri, it’s fine really. You need this and… well, you keep wearing my clothes so…” Otabek’s cheeks were tinted pink. (As he knew they commonly were these days.) “I know you didn’t bring enough with you, so just let me help you.”

 _Fuck,_ he was right. Otabek was going to try and pay for Yuri’s shit.

“Otabek, no. Really, I can just stay home. I don’t need to go out.” Yuri was looking anywhere but at Otabek’s face. This was embarrassing; he couldn’t even look after himself.

“Don’t say that. I know you need this, Yuri.” Otabek’s voice was soft but it was knowing and assertive. Yuri opened his mouth to protest but the dark pools of Otabek’s eyes somehow made him swallow what he was about to say. “You’re letting me help you. Just one outfit if that’s a compromise you’ll make.”

All Yuri could do was nod, wide eyed and slightly confused as to why there was a glint of satisfaction that sparkled within his dark irises. He wasn’t sure what had just happened, but something about Otabek’s voice had Yuri agreeing inarguably.

  


They were in Otabek’s car now and Yuri was pouting, slightly confused that things hadn’t gone as he thought they would. But Otabek was taking him shopping and that was that. He supposed that seeing someone you barely knew lounge around in your clothes could have been an issue for him. That’s what Yuri told himself anyway. He hadn’t had time or the thought to bring any changes of clothes with him when he left that night. He wondered if Mikhail had kicked his shit to the curb yet. Maybe he’d sold it. Or maybe—

Yuri’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a familiar song playing softly through the speakers. He snickered and scoffed softly.

“Really?” he asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow. Otabek let out a chuckle.

“What?” Otabek asked through a smirk.

“ _Clarity_? Really?”

“What about it?” Otabek retorted. Yuri was rolling his eyes at this point.

“You’re a fucking DJ, you should know that this song is overdone and overplayed. And I really thought you were _quality_.”

“Hey, hey now. I would argue, young grasshopper, that a song is played over and over for a reason… and that’s because it’s good.”

“‘Grasshopper’? Really?” Yuri was a little mind-boggled. How was _this the guy_ he had been eyeing at the club? “You are such a dork,” he couldn’t help but give a light huff of a laugh. Otabek laughed right back.

He thought for the umpteenth time how he could listen to that laugh on repeat. It would never sound overplayed, unlike Clarity, he was sure.

“I know,” Otabek said coolly as he turned the volume up a little. “But this is _my_ remix, so maybe you’ll enjoy it more.”

“You think I’m biased?” Yuri replied sarcastically, knowing full well he really was.

“Well not exactly. But… I’ve seen you dance to this before.” Was Yuri imagining things or was Otabek’s voice lower than usual? “You looked like you enjoyed it.” Okay, that blush was back. But Yuri listened and _okay_ , Otabek was right. He _did_ enjoy it. But how did Otabek know he’d danced to this exact mix before?

Yuri gave the man driving an incredulous look, leaning his head to the side in confusion. “What does that mean?”

“Yuri you. Uh…” Otabek stuttered but seemed to be trying to think through what he was about to say. “You just. I had seen you around, is all?”

“You noticed me?” Yuri couldn’t help the small smile that played onto his lips now.

“You’re… a beautiful dancer,” Otabek settled for that and Yuri picked up on the hesitation in the man’s voice. He let it go, though. His DJ had actually noticed him. Honestly, that was all he needed to hear.

They spent the rest of the car ride sharing quick and somewhat shy glances, as well as jokingly discussing the pros and cons of Otabek’s mix of the popular song that Yuri secretly now loved.

  


*

 

 

Otabek didn’t _really_ know what he was doing. At all. Or where to go to get Yuri clothes for going out. But, he figured the mall was a good place to start.

“Uh. You lead the way?” Otabek asked, a little unsure once they had arrived. “Just, whatever catches your eye, whatever you want. Casual clothes included.” Yuri seemed a bit taken aback by his suggestion and was hesitant at first, but he seemed to relax when Otabek smiled at him encouragingly.

He kept next to Yuri the whole time they walked around, mostly just observing, until Yuri saw something in the window he flocked to immediately. Otabek followed closely behind, smiling to himself as a light air took over Yuri’s whole being.

On the mannequin Yuri was practically starry-eyed for was a small, black, spaghetti-strap crop top and a leopard-print mini skirt.

“Oh my god,” Yuri breathed, turning around to face Otabek. And then, almost as if Yuri had remembered something, he faltered and stopped in his tracks, smile dissipating. “Oh—um, _boy_ clothes. Right.” Those green eyes flickered around the room, landing on anything but Otabek.

“Yuri…” Otabek started as Yuri had begun to walk in a different direction. “I meant it when I said _anything_.” And Yuri really looked surprised then.

_Plus, you’d look so amazing in that. Fuck._

“R-Really? Even… girly clothes?”

“Yes, even ‘girly’ clothes.” And with Otabek’s constant reassurance, Yuri eagerly nodded and entered the store, heading straight for the rack with the mini skirt. Otabek stood back, eyes drifting around the store. It was playing pop music and it was bright, the store a pure white. Modern. He could basically predict Yuri’s style from what he was looking at here.

And man, he really would buy _anything_ for him if it meant he got to see him wear it. He would look beautiful in anything, he could guarantee it. He wanted Yuri to feel that he would too. Otabek could see that Yuri had trouble with second-guessing himself. He wanted Yuri to know that he didn’t need to, not anymore. He’d seen Yuri at the club before already, he had watched him dance night after night. Yuri’s natural attraction towards the feminine side of the store didn’t exactly come as a surprise to Otabek at all. In fact, he had pretty much expected it.

But seeing Yuri’s face drop like it had just moments before… that wasn’t natural. Sure, he could imagine anyone being a little unsure of liking and wanting something outside of the norm, but Yuri looked _frightened_ , like he’d done something wrong.

Of course he hadn’t done anything wrong, not in the slightest. Yuri needed to _know_ this. He didn’t notice Yuri go into the changing room, too lost in his thoughts and concerns, but he did notice when he stepped out. _Holy fuck_. Otabek felt as if his soul exited his body and ascended to a new plane of existence, because _holy shit,_ Yuri looked _stunning._ And delicious. And scandalous. Just, _really_ good.

Otabek picked his jaw up off the floor and he could feel his blush spreading from his cheeks to his chest. Yuri’s pale skin of his stomach was partially exposed by the crop top and the skirt was dangerously short and _tight_ and oh god, Otabek needed to _not_ pop a boner. “What do you think?” Yuri really had the _audacity_ to ask such a thing!

“Uhh,” was all Otabek could say. “Get it.” _Please._

“You think so?” Yuri asked, half twirling around so that he could try and see himself in the mirror. Doing so practically gave Otabek a full view of what Yuri’s brief-covered ass looked like in that skirt, though. _Damn_. He averted his eyes quickly. _Oh god oh god oh god._

“Mmhm,” Otabek could only mumble at this point, words were not going to happen.

“Okay!” Yuri chirped, before going back and changing. Otabek was dying.

Yuri exited with the clothes in hand. “I need new fishnets. Mine… got ruined.” His face turned a little sour but he was quick to control his expression.

“Of course. Like I said, anything.” He was really surprised with himself for being able to form an actual sentence after witnessing what he did. Yuri nodded and together they went to the register where Otabek paid and Yuri thanked him profusely. He really didn’t mind in the slightest, because obviously fashion was important to Yuri. And Yuri’s self-confidence was something that Otabek wanted to see.He’d seen glimpses when Yuri danced. He knew it was there, somewhere.

They walked around the mall for a bit longer until they came across a shoe store that Yuri wanted to visit. He only had that pair of worn-out leopard-print sneakers, so Otabek would have suggested going anyway. Yuri browsed for a bit and together they made their way to the sale-section. There always seemed to be a good find in there. Today was no exception.

“I’m so lucky I have small feet for being a dude!” Yuri exclaimed as he plucked a pair of shoes from a box. They were high heels. _Very_ high heels. What were they called again? Silhouettes? Stilettos! They were black with silver spikes and sort of intimidating. Did people really walk in those?

Yuri was grinning, though, so Otabek didn’t question him. He was quick to put them on and once again, Otabek was left speechless because apparently Yuri was a living example of how high heels made legs look even longer and more stunning.

 _Legs for goddamn days_. Yuri wasn’t exactly short, as they stood at about the same height, and he hadn’t noticed before but now. Fuck, now it had been brought to his attention that Yuri’s legs were fucking sexy. And long.

Otabek had to physically shake himself out of it.

_This is not what we are here for. You are here to help and observe. Not stare at him like some sort of snack and perv._

“You can _walk_ in those?” Otabek asked dumbly as Yuri began to walk—no, _strut_ around where they stood.

“What can I say? I’m a natural. Mikhail would never let me…” His voice trailed off and Otabek frowned.

“Well, I want you to get them if you want them. You look…” _Amazing. Beautiful. Stunning. Sexy. Like an angel of my dreams. “_ Good.”

Yuri smiled softly and took them off to put them back in the box. “Okay. I really like these.”

“Can you pick out a pair of casual shoes too? Yours are kind of worn. About time, yeah?” Otabek eyed him as his cheeks blushed a little pink as he nodded slowly. Otabek could tell that despite how old Yuri’s pair of sneakers were, he really liked them for whatever reason. “How about we try and find a similar pair?” He added. Yuri’s smile was back now, and he never wanted it to leave. Otabek knew he would do anything in his power to make sure it stayed. If buying him things and making sure he was safe was the way to do it, he would.

  
  


It was Otabek that suggested that they should get something to eat after an hour or so of shopping. They had quite the collection of bags already and it was nearing after noon. Otabek, to Yuri’s dismay, insisted on carrying everything despite Yuri’s insistence of “I have arms…” Otabek knew food wasn’t even on the other boy’s mind until it was mentioned, but he smiled as Yuri happily walked alongside him until they reached a small cafe away from the food court.

“Anything you see look good?” Otabek asked as they stood in the small line. There were breads and sweets in a display case. Yuri just hummed.

“I’ll surprise you when we get there,” Yuri said but Otabek knew it was a way of saying he didn’t know yet. Otabek watched closely, admiring the other boy as he wrinkled his nose up in concentration. _Oh, that’s cute_.

Together, they ordered coffee and tea, soups and sandwiches, and they found a seat near the back of the small place, in a two-person booth. People walked in and out and Otabek watched so he wouldn’t focus on Yuri’s lips, because that could only lead to thinking of other things which would end in disaster. A public boner was the last thing he needed right now.

“Anything you see look good?” Yuri raised an eyebrow, mimicking Otabek’s own question from moments before. His tone was merely curious. Otabek was sure that he looked like he’d been caught as he snapped back to look at Yuri sitting across from him.

“Uh. Huh?” Was all he could manage.

“Those girls that walked past, you were looking at them. You checkin’ the ladies out, Otabek?” he elaborated with a smirk.

“Uhh…. I’m gay.” That wasn’t really answering the question and Otabek knew it, but it was all he had. There was no way he was explaining why he was even looking over in their direction in the first place.

“Oh?” Yuri leaned his head to the side, curiously. He glanced over to where Otabek’s eyes had been. It was only now that Otabek had realised he hadn’t exactly disclosed this information to Yuri, despite knowing that Yuri himself had a boyfriend.  “Was there a guy over there then?”

“No, I just. I didn’t mean to, really,” Otabek stammered.

“What about a boyfriend? You got one?”

“Have you seen any guys other than yourself lurking around my apartment? No.” Otabek had to laugh at that. Then, a tad more seriously, he said, “I just… don’t really _do_ boyfriends, I guess?” There was also no way he was explaining his sappy, far-fetched idea of ‘waiting for the right one’. Because he truly believed in love at first sight, and, well, at this point he thought it might be Yuri. Again, _absolutely no way_ would he be admitting that right now.

“So… you’re a fuckboy?”

“What? No, I just…”

“You just like _keep it casual_?” Yuri spoke sarcastically.

“God, no.” Otabek’s face was burning, he could feel it. _Fuck_.

“Then what is it? You’re talented and good-looking, there’s no way you’re single without a reason. I want to know you; I _have_ stolen your bed, after all. You might need that back soon, right?” Did Yuri just _wink_?  

He was dying. This was death. His blush was full body, he was sure. Because _holy shit_ Yuri just called him _talented_ and _good-looking_ . And then he’d insinuated he’d be taking men to bed. To top it all off, Yuri winked and expected Otabek to answer him. “Uhh….” _Real intelligent, Otabek_. “I’m waiting?”

“You’re what?” Both of Yuri’s eyebrows were raised now.

“I-I don’t. I haven’t…” Otabek was speaking in a hushed whisper. His heart was skipping about eight beats a minute. His whole body was probably red with embarrassment. This could not be happening right now. “I’ve never really had a boyfriend? I don’t count that one time in high school. It lasted about two weeks.”

Yuri just looked astonished. “Oh,” was all he managed to breathe out. Otabek focused on his tea a little too intensely. “Did not see that coming. God, you must think I’m a slut, huh?” Yuri huffed out a nervous laugh.

“Not at all, Yuri. Most people have a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner by the time they’re 22, so I’m not surprised that you’re surprised.”

“Makes so much sense now,” Yuri said but it was quiet and more to himself. Otabek’s blush was still apparent. Then, Yuri stilled in his seat. “Wait, if you’ve never had a boyfriend, is it safe to assume you have never... had sex?” Well, it was good to know Yuri was shameless.

“You would be right,” Otabek admitted sheepishly. He was embarrassed.

Yuri looked very shocked. “Shit, and this whole time I thought…”

“Thought what?” He was curious now and if he was being honest, Yuri should give up what he was thinking, too, after all Otabek had admitted. He was sure it couldn’t be anything too crazy.

“Uh, I may have thought you were a sex god. I mean, just _look_ at you.” His pale cheeks heated. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. You know, when we met and… well, the other day and—”

“No, Yuri, you didn’t.” He flashed a soft smile to let Yuri know he was being genuine.

Yuri nodded then, a bit shyly, and continued eating. Otabek couldn’t help but think about how cute he was. He couldn’t help but want to be alone with him again, just the two of them back in his apartment, carrying on in their strange domesticity. He wondered how much longer he could hold out on his feelings that had rapidly grown for Yuri. The last thing he wanted to do was scare him or make him feel obligated to do anything about it. But god, it was getting hard to just sit and look at him like that. Plus, he was still unsure if he and Mikhail (the fuckhead that Otabek _hated_ ) were still considered “together”. Perhaps he could gently ask at some point. He didn’t want to pry, but he didn’t exactly think it very healthy for the other boy. Otabek needed to remind himself that of course Yuri’s wellbeing came first, while his admittedly selfish crush would come second.

Otabek was brought back from his train of thought with Yuri looking at him curiously once again.

“Hey, um...” Yuri did that cute thing he did earlier, wrinkling his nose as he cocked his head to the side. He was thinking intently as if he were… unsure? Embarrassed? Otabek melted either way at the combination of cute mannerisms and his sweer tone of voice. Oh god, did he want to hear it again. He gave the blond boy sitting across from him a sweet smile, silently trying to let him know that he can be comfortable and open, that he can ask anything.

“Yeah?” he encouraged, resisting the strong urge to reach across the table and take Yuri’s hand in his. _Bad idea. Too intimate, too public._

“Um. Well you know how you said that liking more… _feminine_ clothes was okay?” Yuri’s voice was wavering a little and Otabek could tell how nervous and uncertain he was. It seemed to be a sensitive topic. For a second, he just wanted to hold him and tell him that it was okay, of course it was okay. He just nodded and stayed silent though, letting Yuri get his question out. “Do you think. Maybe we could make one last stop? I’d kind of like to check out a lingerie store? I-If that’s okay?”  

In that moment it took _everything_ Otabek had in him to stop the blood from rushing from his cheeks to his dick, with images flooding into his brain of Yuri in lingerie. _Oh god._

“Uh. Y-Yeah, if that’s what you want. We um…. Yeah,” he stuttered. _This is about making Yuri happy, asshole. Not you._ But if he was honest with himself, it would make both of them happy. He couldn’t help but notice the smirk playing on Yuri’s lips now though.

“Thanks, Otabek.” The apples of Yuri’s cheeks heated with a hint of pink appearing across his pale skin.

Otabek tried to not choke on his meal.

  


Once Yuri had lead Otabek to the store on the third floor that they had passed while shopping elsewhere, he knew that from now on his face was probably going to be stuck blushing forever. The store was pink and smelled surprisingly nice. _Was that...vanilla scented candles?_ Otabek officially felt out of place as he awkwardly watched Yuri browse their selection. Their selection happened to be quite large.

“Hm. I don’t really have a chest to fill most of _these_ out,” Yuri said playfully as he browsed through a rack of bras. Otabek couldn’t help but give Yuri a gentle smile of encouragement, despite how out of place he was here. He wanted Yuri to feel as comfortable in here as he should. He was just struggling to distract himself from thoughts of _Yuri in lingerie_. “Otabek, will you help me?"

“Uh. Um. What? I don’t really know w-what I’m doing I—”

“How about… you just pick something you like the look of? You sit down on that couch and I’ll try it on.” Yuri’s cheeks were a rosy pink. All Otabek could think about was how gay he was for him, and that these… feminine clothes would look so fucking good on him. Literally anything would, but this would just about send him into early-age heart failure. Even the gaudy-looking frilly pink panties displayed on that mannequin in the window would look good on his pale frame.

Otabek had to admit, he was pretty confident in his own fashion sense, so maybe it wouldn’t hurt to help Yuri out. Even if it meant knowingly giving himself a heart attack. Yuri did _ask_. And it wasn’t like Otabek knew any of Yuri’s other friends. Did he have any? It was the least he could do.

And then _it_ caught his eye. Matte black material, nearly hidden between navy lace and black silk, hung on the clearance rack and Otabek knew he had to check it out. Yuri still browsed by himself while Otabek self-consciously made his way to the leather piece. He pulled it off the rack by the hanger and just _observed_. It was faux-leather, of course, with a top and bottom piece. The top was similar to a bra, but as it was an extra-small, it would probably fit Yuri. It was open-backed, and criss crossed in the front. It was mesmerising. The bottoms were, expectedly, short and they had little studs in the front. Otabek’s blush was extremely noticeable, he was sure. He briskly walked to Yuri and the boy looked up at him and then at the piece in his hands.

“Cute,” he snickered. “It’ll match your jacket.” And with that, he took the lingerie from Otabek and headed to the dressing room to leave Otabek standing shellshocked.

It didn’t take very long for Yuri to step back out, and Otabek’s breath felt like it was knocked from his body. Because _holy shit_ , he looked _amazing._ The black material completely contrasted Yuri’s skin tone in a way that made him look so beautifully dangerous. The bottoms hugged his hips, just barely coming up and resting on the place where Otabek wanted hold and grip and _oh god_. He should probably stop thinking like that before his uncomfortable semi became a fully-fledged boner.

“Should I get it?” he asked, smiling, but then frowned. “I don’t exactly have anyone to wear it for.”

It took him what felt like five minutes to pick his jaw up off the floor. His mouth was dry. The moisture from his mouth had somehow disappeared and instead collected on the palms of his hands. “Uh, you should get it. Wear it for yourself. You know. Confidence, and everything.” _Yes, good. You are here to support him_.

“You have a point…” Yuri trailed off, seeming to be deep in thought before he added, “So, it’s okay to just wear it around the apartment?”

What had Otabek gotten himself into, he didn’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading everyone we hope you're enjoying it so far!!


	6. hold on this time, It’s gonna be alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That’s okay, Yuri. You don’t need to know everything right now, you know? You’ll figure it out, I promise. And Otabek’s a good man. He understands.” There was a glint in Guang Hong’s eyes and Yuri thought it was something like joy. But his words were reassuring and Yuri nodded again, letting his words all sink in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter we introduce some new characters!! i bet y'all already know
> 
> chapter title from A Different Way by DJ Snake, Lauv
> 
> chapter warnings: near panic attack, more mentions of implied/referenced rape and domestic abuse

Yuri felt cool and important, walking into the club through the back entrance, thanks to Otabek. Plus, his new clothes, tight in all the right places and revealing as always, made him feel pretty confident. He wore a tight-fitting, sheer black top with a visible lace, black bralette underneath. It was simple but it still revealed the amount of skin Yuri was normally comfortable with. The leather skirt he paired it with, however, that was new. He’d always worn shorts to the club before now, even if they were short, ass-hugging, feminine things, they were shorts nonetheless. This skirt hugged his ass probably two times as much, and he knew Otabek had taken a good look when he wandered out of the bedroom with it on. It was hard _not_ to notice, really. As much as it made Yuri feel amazing, he did pick this outfit with Otabek in mind and he hoped that he enjoyed how it fit his body. The heels that he _finally_ got to wear made his legs look longer and his ass look perkier under the leather material of the skirt and Yuri felt as if this was what he was _made_ to wear. He felt so completely himself the moment he stepped out into the living room, twirling around slowly so that Otabek could see what it all looked like. If the blush high on Otabek’s cheeks was anything to go by, he agreed.

He was helping Otabek bring things inside in preparation for his set later that night. He was a little distracted, though. Otabek just looked _so good_. He hadn’t gotten to see his “bad boy” look up close, but now… _wow_. He wished he had sooner. He had dark jeans on, matched with a white t-shirt that looked as if it would rip if he so much as flexed. On top was his leather jacket, and combat boots that Yuri would gladly let step on him. His hair was even slicked back, showing off his undercut, and _fuck_ , Yuri wanted him. He was still a little in awe of the fact that this man was a virgin, a _blushing_ one at that. Because how he looked and the aura around him, especially when he was behind that DJ’s booth, screamed _I’m a god in bed, too_. Yuri was sure he’d be a natural. He _really_ wanted to find out if his theory was right.

He was mildly surprised but mostly pleased that he managed to help Otabek while spending a majority of his time just ogling at him. Really, it should be illegal to be that attractive. Despite that, Otabek had an hour or so before his set began and he got him to agree to dance, even though he’d initially refused, claiming that he was awful. That only made Yuri more eager to witness it for himself.

He was getting ready to pull Otabek onto the dance floor when a hand around his wrist stopped him. “There are some people I want you to meet before we start,” Otabek said, his voice raised slightly to talk over the bass that thrummed through the foggy club. “I think you’ll like them.” Yuri just nodded and allowed Otabek to lead him. He figured his friends were as good-natured as he was, so he wasn’t too worried. He followed Otabek to a small booth where a two guys sat shoulder to shoulder, sipping on drinks and grinning at each other. They were probably dating?

The two sitting noticed their arrival and the guy with longer, chestnut hair stood up. He was objectively good-looking, but there was no comparison to Otabek. Yuri was thinking that Otabek was the limit for hotness. “Otabek!” the man exclaimed with a grin. Otabek returned it and Yuri hung back as they shared a fistbump. “Long time, no see.”

Otabek rolled his eyes and Yuri was surprised to see Otabek be so sarcastic and playful. His smile was still there. “We text everyday, Leo.” He stepped back, taking his place next to Yuri’s side, and looked to the boy who was still sitting down. He was Asian, and seemed to be quiet like Otabek. “Hey, Guang Hong,” Otabek greeted politely with a nod of his head. The boy waved awkwardly. “Yuri, this is Leo,” he gestured to his friend, “and his boyfriend, Guang Hong.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Yuri said, feeling somewhat relieved for no apparent reason that Leo had a boyfriend and wasn’t going to steal his man. Not that Otabek was his man. But still.

“You too, Yuri. Beks has said—” Leo began with a smirk but he was quickly cut off.

“Drinks!” Otabek practically _shouted_. It was kind of hot. “Who wants drinks? Everyone? Okay, Leo, let’s go. Yuri, uh, you and Guang Hong should get to know each other.” There was no room for argument (not that he _would_. He was really finding himself more and more turned on whenever he was bossed around by Otabek) because Otabek grabbed his friend’s arm and hurried in the bar’s direction.

So Yuri did as Otabek suggested (or, commanded in a _really_ sexy way) and sat down next to Guang Hong. He finally observed him fully and he had to admit that Guang Hong was very pretty. He held an air of grace around him, even sitting. Freckles were splattered across his cheeks and nose and on his shoulders, exposed by the shoulderless shirt he wore. It was flowy and shimmery and showed off his collarbones. “You come here a lot?” Yuri decided on asking, because he couldn’t recall seeing him anytime he came before.

“Only when Leo isn’t working,” Guang Hong said, and his voice was light. It really suited him and his ethereal image. “He’s a stage manager here. What about you, Yuri?”

“I used to. Often.” And that was that.

“Hm, I suppose Otabek roped you back in? He’s a little… obsessive over his music.” Guang Hong laughed and Yuri chuckled, because it was true. But Otabek had been willing to take a break from his music just to help him, and that said a lot to Yuri.

“Maybe a bit. But no, I wanted to come.” Guang Hong nodded, took a sip of his drink, and looked at Yuri almost curiously. Silence settled between them.

“Do you like to dance?” Guang Hong asked and Yuri nodded excitedly. He _loved_ dancing, loved conveying his happiness when listening to music. “Wanna dance, then?” Yuri nodded again and they got up together. He took the chance to shamelessly check Guang Hong out.

He was shorter than himself, but they both had slim, narrow builds. And damn, Guang Hong’s pants were _tight_ , high waisted, and showed off the curve of his ass, which happened to be very nice. “I love your outfit,” Guang Hong said sincerely, eyes grazing over Yuri.

“Thanks. Your’s is cute as well.” They shared a grin and headed out to the dance floor confidently. Leo and Otabek were seen at the bar, talking amongst themselves and definitely not with drinks. “They’re dorks,” Yuri said plainly and Guang Hong laughed beside him.

“They really are.”

It didn’t take long for them to get into the music, their bodies easily mingling. They seemed to move together naturally, and Yuri could tell Guang Hong was trained in some sort of dancing. It wasn’t the let-loose style that Yuri had; it was much more refined and controlled. Yuri admired him. He’d always wanted to dance professionally. But, as it was now, he and Guang Hong seemed dance-compatible. Their dancing easily turned into grinding, which led to them giggling at each other, and Guang Hong sneaking glances Leo’s way, who was so obviously leering at the Asian boy. It was kind of gross to witness because of how obviously they wanted each other, but hey. He’d probably do the same to Otabek.

It didn’t much more, either, for Leo and Otabek to join them. Yuri saw how happy and absolutely bright Guang Hong became in Leo’s presence and, their horniness aside, they were _adorable_. Leo practically whisked Guang Hong away, gently, and the way they simply looked at each other was something special. Why did Yuri suddenly want something like that? He had Mikhail, didn’t he?

He pushed it out of his mind as soon as Otabek stood in front of him. He looked like that sex god he’d initially thought Otabek was. Yuri smiled at him, having to look down a little in his heels, and wrapped his arms around his neck. Otabek was careful as he rested his hands on Yuri’s waist, and the action caused Yuri’s heart to flutter. There was no intention of getting sexual or dirty dancing and Yuri liked it more than he thought he would.

Music surrounded them, and Otabek was right when he had claimed he couldn’t dance. It was incredibly entertaining to witness, even if it meant getting his toes stepped on a few times. But they laughed together, shared fleeting looks, and Yuri swore his soul cracked at the sight of Otabek _biting his lip_. Really, that should be _illegal_. But it was fun, and Yuri loved shuffling in place if it meant Otabek was there with him. He’d give his hips a little roll, a little swing, and watch as Otabek’s face heated under the flashing lights. It felt good to be back.

They danced until Leo and Guang Hong invited them to take a break. Yuri eyed them and how they looked a little sexed-out. Yuri underestimated the discomfort of wearing stilettos to dance and Otabek seemed about done with embarrassing himself, so he and Otabek gladly joined the couple back at their booth.

There were drinks at the table, probably Guang Hong and Leo’s doing, but Yuri’s turned out to be just soda. He wondered how old Guang Hong was, because he definitely didn’t look any older than himself. He was sitting in Leo’s lap with Leo’s chin hooked over his shoulder. Leo wore an adoring look on his face, and his arms were wrapped around his middle loosely. It was nothing like how Mikhail would hold him—a solid grip around his friends or not at all around strangers or in public. But he’d always said that’s _how it was_. That he still loved him. Yuri knew Mikhail was probably worried right now and when he got home he’d be punished for _scaring_ him like that and—

“Yuri?”

It was Guang Hong’s voice that pulled him out of his foggy thoughts. He blinked a few times and met concerned gazes from the three other men at the table. “Are you alright?” Guang Hong asked quietly, privately. Yuri only nodded, a bit embarrassed he’d let himself zone out like that in public, and he took a drink of his soda. It was cold and refreshing. There was a warm hand splayed across his back and Yuri met Otabek’s gaze, which was clearly worried.

“We can go home if you need,” he said quietly, only for Yuri’s ears.

He shook his head quickly. “No, no, I’m fine. I want to stay.” Otabek seemed to search Yuri’s eyes for something, but in the end, he just nodded.

Their group stayed seated, chatting and joking and taking excessive amounts of photos and selfies that made Yuri anxious for some reason. It was only after the DJ playing announced the end of his set that their fun slowed.

“It’s about that time,” Leo said, taking a swig of his beer, and he stood with Otabek.

“Yuri,” Otabek began, “if you need anything, please let Leo or Guang Hong know. Or even JJ. They’ll help you and know how to get me off stage.”

“Yeah,” Leo snickered, “ _and_ Otabek here will be—”

Leo was once again quickly shut up by Otabek’s hand over his mouth. “Okay! It’s showtime!” He turned Leo around by his shoulders and looked over his own to Guang Hong. “Look after Yuri, will you, Ji? Thanks.” And then Otabek ushered Leo to the stage, leaving Yuri and Guang Hong alone for the second time that night. Which was fine, because Yuri quite liked Guang Hong. He seemed earnest and kind and honest.

“I thought Leo didn’t have to work?” Yuri asked first thing, not even bothering to question the odd behavior.

“He likes to feel important,” Guang Hong said and they both got a laugh out of that. “No, but really, he’s Otabek’s best friend. He helps him basically any time he can, even outside of his hours.”

“It sounds like he’s a good friend,” Yuri said, though he wouldn’t know himself. A moment later, after building up the courage he asked, “Hey, um, are you going to post those pictures anywhere?” He didn’t understand why he was so anxious about it when Mikhail had no way of knowing these people. Unless he did. The thought of him finding pictures of him being out and about made his skin crawl.

“I won’t if you don’t want me to.”

“S-Sorry. I’d rather you didn’t…?”

“Of course.” Guang Hong offered a smile. “And don’t be sorry.” Yuri nodded, taking another drink of his soda.

“So how long have you and Leo been together?” He had never had the chance to _really_ observe a couple up close and personal, and he was genuinely curious.

“Almost four years. We got together in college. I had just turned seventeen.” _So he’s 21._ His face got red and he was smiley and dreamy. Yuri had never made such faces when talking about Mikhail.

“Do you love him?”

“Very much.” His smile turned down a bit. “Perhaps other people would say if I really did, I wouldn’t have the job I do now, but I do love him. I would do anything for him.” Yuri couldn’t relate. His emotions were stirring in his head and in his heart, even with music in the background, there to soothe him.

So he asked the question Otabek once asked that made Yuri question everything he thought he knew. “Are you happy? With Leo.”

It didn’t even take a second for Guang Hong to answer. “The happiest I’ve ever been.” It made Yuri go a little quiet and Guang Hong let him be for a while. He had so many thoughts and anxieties and most of them were all bottled up. Guang Hong was still only a stranger to him, so why did Yuri feel safe with him? As if they could be _friends_. But he wasn’t allowed, no, Mikhail made sure of that. People didn’t really like Yuri, he told him that. But Guang Hong was kind and he was Otabek’s friend, and he knew he could trust Otabek. He must have been making a face again, because Guang Hong carefully placed a hand on his. “Yuri? It’s okay.”

“Y-You’re my friend, right?” He had to ask, because he didn’t know how this worked even though he was a fucking _adult_. He felt so stupid.

“Of course.” And Guang Hong sounded sincere.

“Well, how you feel with Leo is how I feel with Otabek. Like I might be happy for _once_ outside of my little music world,” he confessed, and he felt ten pounds lighter. “But I love Mikhail… he just… doesn’t make me happy like Otabek does.” He felt like a mess internally. Everything he felt was so new and confusing.

“Mikhail is your boyfriend, right?” Guang Hong asked with a soft smile. Yuri gave a small, unsure nod. “Hm. Otabek told Leo a little while ago. That’s okay, Yuri. You don’t need to know everything right now, you know? You’ll figure it out, I promise. And Otabek’s a good man. He understands.” There was a glint in Guang Hong’s eyes and Yuri thought it was something like joy. But his words were reassuring and Yuri nodded again, letting his words all sink in.

Deciding to take the subject away from himself, Yuri asked, “What do you do? Your job?”

“I’m a pole dancer,” he said easily, and it took Yuri by surprise. His eyebrows shot up and he smiled. “I love my job. It comes with all the misconceptions you can think of, though. I’m _not_ a stripper. I’m _not_ easy. I’m committed to Leo, and he supports me fully. People are just… ignorant.”

Yuri nodded, the gears in his brain turning. “Well, as long as you’re happy….” And that had Guang Hong grinning.

“What do you say we go dance?”

And they were off for the night.

  
  
  


Yuri, despite having had consumed no alcohol at all that night, stumbled into Otabek’s bedroom and slumped down onto the bed.

“Otabek?” he asked, half sighing in a pathetically cute tone. “Don’t wear heels to a club, okay?”

Otabek let out a laugh that Yuri could tell boiled up into his chest. “I don’t plan on it.” He smiled softly down at Yuri who had now flopped back onto the bed as he stared at the ceiling. He seemed to be contemplating something, so Otabek left him to it and went about his business, removing his shirt and getting ready for bed. It was 2:30 am, after all.   

“Otabek?” Yuri asked again once Otabek had returned to the bed, sitting up against the headboard. He simply nodded, knowing that by now Yuri didn’t need a verbal response in order to know that he should continue. “I really liked going out again. And um. I really liked your friends so, thank you.”

“Yuri, there is nothing to thank me for, you needed to get out. It was good for you.”

Yuri hummed simply in response, “And thank you for the clothes, I—”

“Yuri, you don’t need to thank me. You needed this, all of it,” Otabek spoke softly. Yuri could hear a warmth in his tone that felt to him like sweet, melted honey left at the bottom of a mug at the end of a hot cup of tea.

“I’d like to pay you back though, so—”

“Yuri, haven’t we been over this? That’s not part of the deal, there is no deal here. I’m just trying to help you.”

“No, Otabek I didn’t mean… not that,” Yuri was facing Otabek on the bed now but his eyes looked down at his own lap. “I mean _really_ pay you back, I need to get a job. Especially if I want to keep staying here, I can’t just keep taking from you, I can’t just live here for free.”

“I don’t mind,” Otabek replied, not really having much else to refuse with. He didn’t want to admit how much he _loved_ taking care of Yuri. It made him feel good. It made him feel like he was needed. “You don’t need a job, Yuri not yet. If you’re not ready, it’s okay I really don’t mind.”

“Guang Hong said, um, he’s a pole dancer, and I was thinking—?” He couldn’t finish his sentence before Otabek was shaking his head.

“I know where you’re going with this, Yuri. I would gladly encourage you to be a dancer, if you wanted, but you haven’t been to classes right? I know you’re not thinking of pole dancing. You’re thinking of skipping that part and just stripping, easy money to pay me back, right? No.”

And the look on Yuri’s face said he’d hit the nail on the head.

“Otabek, I—”

“No. I won’t let you put yourself at risk.”

“I uh. I’m not good at anything else,” Yuri’s voice cracked, it was so small.

“Yuri, no,” Otabek’s voice was low and commanding and everything in Yuri wanted so badly to just drop it and agree, to obey. But he pushed back.

“You’re not my boyfriend,” Yuri whispered, trying to swallow back a lump in his throat and the feeling that everything around him was just caving in like a paper dollhouse. It was time to stop playing and go back to reality. “You can’t tell me what I can and can’t do.”

“Th-That’s not what I’m trying to do— I just want you to be safe, I want to look after you, and I wouldn’t be doing my job if I encouraged you to do that. Please, don’t. Not for me, okay?”

Yuri couldn’t help the way that his body shook as he tried to take even breaths. He had honestly thought that Otabek would support this idea, it would be helping him after all.

“Otabek, I really think they might give me a job I just—”

“Of course they would, you’re gorgeous and blond,” Otabek huffed. “It’s not about whether or not you’d get a job like that, it’s about keeping you safe.”

“Yeah, that’s what Mikail said too,” Yuri mumbled. And if Otabek didn’t already feel awful, he certainly did now.

“Yuri,” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I swear to you I just don’t want you to get hurt, do you know what the strip clubs around here are like? Even Guang Hong gets shit, he doesn’t even take his clothes off. Yuri, you don’t have to take your clothes off to get money, okay? It’s not happening. And it’s not because I want to control you, it’s a matter of _safety_. Like… legitimate safety.”

“Otabek...I don’t know how to do anything else,” Yuri was looking anywhere and everywhere other than at Otabek’s face. He couldn’t, he knew he’d break down if he did and he wasn’t even exactly sure why. He just felt so embarrassed and ashamed and _fuck_ he couldn’t do anything for himself. He could feel his shoulders and chest start to shake with a sob threatening to surface.

And then strong arms were gentle around his shoulders. He froze for a second before he could let himself be engulfed completely in Otabek. “Yuri, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’ll talk to Guang Hong, yeah? And you can learn the right way. Yeah?” He stroked Yuri’s arms carefully, running fingertips lightly over his pale flesh. All Yuri could do was nod and together they laid down. “You are worth so much,” Yuri swore he heard Otabek say, but it was so quiet he also passed it off as his brain telling him lies. He wanted to believe those words. He didn’t know if he could.

Yuri had almost relaxed into sleep, all the tension gone, when he felt the body around him begin to stir.

“Yuri, you gotta get out of those tight clothes before you sleep,” Otabek spoke softly as he always did. “I’ll go and get you a shirt, okay?”

Yuri groaned in his sleepy state as Otabek made his way to the other side of the room. “Otabek, come back,” he whined. The older man raised an eyebrow as Yuri sat up and reached out for him, essentially making grabby hands.

“Yuri, what?” Otabek gave a breathy laugh. _God,_ why was he so cute?

“Can you do it for me?” Yuri was pouting now, looking up at him through his blond bangs. “I’m too tired.” He tried his best to give his most persuasive puppy eyes.

“Y-You want me to take your clothes off?” Otabek questioned, a bright red colour now spreading across his cheeks. Yuri simply nodded with no further explanation. “Okay, I uh. I’m just helping you get into bed, okay?”

Yuri just hummed, closing his eyes again. “It’s fine, Otabek. I promise.” He could feel Otabek approaching and he wondered why he was _so okay_ with this. He normally wouldn’t dare even close his eyes in a room with a man he barely knew but now he was doing just that, and asking for help with something that he honestly didn’t need. He sighed and relaxed into Otabek’s touch once he felt sturdy hands on both of his hips. Was he really doing this just so that he had an excuse to be close to Otabek? For now, he didn’t care as long as long as Otabek was touching him _somehow_. If he’d lost his cuddle for something so trivial as changing into pajamas, he’d make it worth his while.

“I-I’m just going to t-take your skirt off now, okay?” Otabek sounded nervous but he could tell that he was trying not to startle him in any way, which he appreciated. His eyes fluttered open to look at the man in front of him and hummed gently as Otabek’s hand slipped down his hip to find the zipper. He slid the zip down slowly, trying to be gentle. It was kind of painful but Yuri didn’t mind the excuse to just look at his face, really. He knew that blush so well now. He wondered absentmindedly if it spread further down his body, and if it did, he wanted to see it. Yuri could feel his own blush begin to heat his cheeks now from being exposed, inch by inch by an unfairly attractive man.

The leather material fell and pooled around Yuri’s knees now, leaving his thighs bare and Otabek’s eyes trailing a burning line from his bare skin to the dark purple lace of the panties Yuri had on underneath.

“Oh,” Otabek breathed out. Yuri watched as he averted his gaze and looked back as if he couldn’t help it. Yuri smirked. He knew how his body affected plenty of men. It was kind of nice though to know that it affected Otabek too; he first seemed so unfazed by his attempts at getting him to ravage him. Not that that would happen just yet, either, but at least now he knew he wasn’t unattractive to him. “Uh. Le-Let me help you out of it.” Otabek busied himself with grabbing the skirt from around Yuri’s knees. Yuri placed his hands gently on Otabek’s bare shoulders as the man slipped it off one pale leg at a time. Otabek shook his head a little as if to physically clear his mind before moving on to the next task. “Okay, arms up,” he instructed.

Yuri obliged, trying to resist the urge to stick his hip out a little just to make it look more sexy. _Behave, Yuri_ he had to remind himself as Otabek gripped the hem of his top and peeled it up over his head. He was now kneeling on Otabek’s bed in a pair of lace panties and a bralette. He would be fine sleeping in this, if it meant Otabek would always look at him like that; as if he was a national treasure. But he could tell the poor guy was struggling now, the way he was trying not to stare was kind of sweet. He had to admire Otabek’s self-control. Otabek was sure to take his hands off Yuri as soon as he could, and was quick to fetch a shirt and offer it to the blond.

Yuri simply refused and got back under the covers, smirk still on. He could practically hear Otabek choking on his spit. “I, uh, I’ll be back.” And the man went to the bathroom quickly, allowing Yuri some alone time. He closed his eyes and took in the days events. Shopping, clubbing, getting a little emotional and upset, and now trying to seduce Otabek? Really, he needed to get himself in check. He was a mess, honestly. But… Otabek didn’t seem to mind. He took Yuri as he was, didn’t ask him to change, and really was just looking out for him. It was different from how Mikhail said he “looked out” for him. Where Otabek was gentle and sincere and all about Yuri, Mikhail was jealous and possessive and harsh and mean, and would put Yuri in situations he thought were proper, but just happened to be extremely uncomfortable and demoralizing. But he reminded himself it was all for Alisa. That and music had gotten him through life for as long as he could remember.

He couldn’t help the mournful sigh that escaped him as his mind wandered over to his sister for a moment. He didn’t even know if she was okay. Grandpa hadn’t really been fond of Yuri having too much contact with her while Mikhail was at his side. He knew it was best for her, he did. But he wanted to give her everything and he just couldn’t. He missed her so much. The last time he’d seen her was for her seventh birthday, and that was almost a whole year ago. Shit, her birthday was coming up again and soon. It made his eyes sting, thinking she’d spent another year of her life without him.

Yuri hadn’t noticed that Otabek had returned until he felt the mattress dip behind him. He twisted his body slightly to look at the man who seemed awkward and he turned fully, easily cuddling up to him. Otabek tensed but quickly relaxed, opening his arms up for Yuri. His chest was all warm and bare and comfy. He willed his tears away.

“You’re still awake? I thought you were exhausted,” Otabek murmured into Yuri’s hair as he placed his head atop the crown of blond.

Yuri just shrugged slowly, bare legs tangling with Otabek’s sweatpants-clad ones. “I have a little sister,” he said instead of responding to Otabek.

Otabek pulled back a little, trying to get a look at Yuri’s face which was tucked into his chest. “Yuri? Where is she?” His voice was drenched in concern.

“She lives with our grandpa. Almost a couple hours away.”

“What about you, Yuri? Why weren’t you living there with her?” His hand came up naturally and gently ran through his hair.

“Because I live with Mikhail.”

“You don’t have to live with Mikhail if you have family though, right?”

“It’s not… it’s not that easy.” And Yuri didn’t know if he had the courage yet to tell Otabek everything. “But I miss her everyday. She’s almost eight.” His eyes welled with tears again. “Her name is Alisa. She’s so beautiful, Otabek.” And he couldn’t _stand_ the thought of her going through what he was. Yuri had to protect her.

“What’s she like?” Otabek asked softly, instead of pressing Yuri any further. How was this guy so good?

“She’s got long, blonde hair. But she might have cut it, I-I haven’t seen her in awhile… and she’s got the same eyes as me. And round cheeks. And her voice is so pretty.” Yuri sniffled. “She’s so smart, and her favorite animals are snakes, because they look beautiful but they can ‘eat your face.’” He chuckled softly and wiped his eyes with the sheet. “I miss her.”

“She sounds great,” Otakek smiled down at him. “Family… they can be rough. I’m so sorry. But she’s so lucky to have you, Yuri.”

“I’m a terrible big brother,” he sniffled. “I haven’t talked to them in over two months.”

“Do… do you want to? In the morning, you could use my phone.”

Yuri looked up at Otabek with wide eyes. “R-Really?” Otabek smiled and nodded. “That would be amazing, yes, I would love to.” He instantly felt so much lighter. Maybe now he could talk to them every week, being with Otabek.

“I’m sure they would love to hear from you. Your grandpa is probably worried, right?”

“Yeah,” he whispered. “But I’ve… gone longer without being able to call them.” Those were darker times, when Mikhail refused to allow him to speak to anyone who wasn’t Mikhail or Mikhail’s friends. Times when Yuri was being used for what Mikhail first sought him out for. He felt a little sick. He didn’t want to remember that, even if it was still relatively fresh with it happening again before Yuri decided to leave.

Otabek just held him close. “Get some rest, Yuri,” he murmured and Yuri felt something like a kiss on the crown of his head. Yuri relaxed and with Otabek’s voice singing to him. Sleep came easy.

  


*

 

Otabek woke around ten, Yuri still tucked into his chest and under his chin, almost naked. Really, Otabek struggled to keep his bodily functions under control. How awkward would it be for Yuri to wake up with his boner poking him? God, Otabek would _die_.

He yawned and took a moment to wake up, remembering last night’s events. He felt bad for refusing to allow Yuri to strip, but he couldn’t help the protectiveness that welled within him. He recalled how Yuri asked to be undressed, how he’d looked like he thoroughly enjoyed being taken care of in such a simple way, and even though it was embarrassing, Otabek felt happy to provide something so easy. Then there was the matter of Yuri’s otherwise unspoken family. He now knew of a grandfather and little sister that Yuri so obviously adored and loved, and he was beginning to realize how serious his relationship with Mikhail seemed to be.

There was a lot Otabek had to think about, a lot Yuri obviously wasn’t telling him, and that was okay. He didn’t expect him to. He didn’t even want him to, if Yuri didn’t feel like it.

He felt Yuri stir, and suddenly there was… something… poking him in the thigh, and _oh my god, that’s his dick. Yuri’s dick is touching me. Why is he hard? Of course, it is morning but why, god, why?_

So, being as inconspicuous as possible, Otabek slid out of bed to rush to the bathroom to shower and… do other things. He’d never felt the need to masturbate so often in his life, honestly. Until Yuri. God, he wasn’t a teenager anymore, what the fuck? But Yuri was literally the man of his dreams, so it was hard to resist.

He took care of what he needed to and exited the bathroom to find Yuri up and about, in just Otabek’s t-shirt and those delectable panties. His legs were a godsend, all long and milky. _Fuck_. He looked away quickly. “Morning.”

“Good morning,” Yuri singsonged, his smile absolutely radiating off of him. He was _gorgeous_.

“Sleep well?” Otabek asked amusedly, wrapping his towel around his neck.

“Great,” Yuri answered. Out of nowhere, he hugged Otabek and he was hyper aware of every sensation. How Yuri’s skinny body felt pressed to his, how his arms rested on his shoulders, how his blond hair tickled his nose. He gently wrapped his arms around Yuri, taking note of how small he felt. God, he loved it.

“Would you like to call your sister now? Or after breakfast?” He knew it was what Yuri was looking forward to.

“Now, if that’s okay?”

“Of course.” Otabek unwrapped himself from around Yuri and pulled out his phone for Yuri to use. It didn’t take long for Yuri to dial the number and call, excitement clear on his face. Otabek smiled to himself as Yuri bounced on the balls of his feet as he waited for the call to connect. He thought that he should probably give Yuri some privacy and he turned to wander back into his room but he stopped when Yuri gripped his hand and led him to the couch.

“Hello?” Yuri said almost breathlessly when the call seemed to connect. Otabek couldn’t hear what was being said. “It’s Yuri, Grandpa.” Otabek watched as his grin widened. “...Mm, I missed you guys. How’s Alisa?...” His face fell slightly. “No, I’m not right now… I’m at a friend’s house... Otabek Altin…No Grandpa he’s Kazakh….”

Otabek could imagine that Yuri’s grandpa was being protective. He understood. He was patient as he traced gentle lines up and down Yuri’s back. “He’s good, Grandpa…” And then his face twisted into a frown. “He _what_ ? _Blyad’_ , I’m sorry… I know, but—fine. Okay. Yeah, I won’t… I love you. Is Alisa there?” And his brightness was back as he was quiet, waiting for his sister to get on the line.

His voice was completely different. “Alisa!” he practically squealed. “How’s my favorite girl?” His eyes were so bright and Otabek wanted to keep that smile on his face forever. It was so light and pure, all the trouble that usually clouded his ever expression was essentially gone. “That’s good, that’s good. How’s school?... Oh, wow, Natalia sounds like a bi—like a meanie head. I’m sorry, sweet girl… Mm, your big bro will come and teach her a lesson next time I come visit, okay?...” Yuri’s eyes became sad, and his smile watery. “As soon as possible. You’re turning eight soon, I wouldn’t miss it for the world… No, Mikhail won’t come this time. I-I’m not sure about mom, sweetheart. But I’ll be there, I promise, okay?... I love you, too, Alisochka. So much… I miss you, too. But I’m gonna make your birthday the best ever, okay?...” Otabek could have died at how sweet Yuri’s smile was. “Okay, _lyubov moya._ I’ll call soon. Can you put Grandpa back on the phone?... Okay, bye, sweet girl.”

Another moment of silence passed, and Yuri’s eyes were so soft. “I’m gonna make it this year, Grandpa… Mhm, he’s good to me… Yes, I’ve been eating, three times a day, Grandpa…” Yuri rolled his eyes, but it was lovingly. At least he could answer that question with confidence today. “I love you too. And I won’t… I won’t let him do that to you, okay? No, I—I won’t. Okay. I’ll… I’ll figure it out. I always do… _On ne povredit tebe, dedushka_ . I’ll call, I promise. Give Alisochka a hug for me... _Ya lyublyu tebya_. Bye.” Yuri reluctantly hung up and handed back Otabek’s phone all while cuddling into him.

“Okay?” Otabek asked quietly. Yuri seemed pretty content.

“Mhm. Alisa is healthy and happy. And Grandpa is too, for the most part. I have to figure out how to get there for her birthday, though…”

“When is it? I-I could help if you wanted. I can drive, I can get work off, easy.”

“Her birthday is next month,” Yuri said. “I really do need a job if I want to buy her a present, right? And it has to be good.” He slumped back into the back of the couch. “She likes art, but like, I got her paints last year…. And we don’t really get to spend that much time together.”

Otabek glanced at Yuri. Would he be mad if he inserted himself? “Uh, well, you said she likes snakes. And you like animals. Why don’t you go to the zoo or something like that? It would give you guys time together and kids love the zoo, right?”

“Oh my god, Otabek, you’re a genius!” Yuri exclaimed and a peal of laughter escaped him. “Oh, shit, I don’t, uh—I don’t have the means.”

“Yuri, I do, I said I’d help with her birthday, don’t worry about it. Just focus on having a good time with her, okay?”

“Otabek, no. That’s so much, that’s not fair,” Yuri was shocked and stuttered. Why was this man so selfless? Yuri couldn’t understand it.

“Yuri, this little girl deserves the world, I know she does. If you’d let me, I’d love to help. I promise I’m not strapped for cash or anything. I’ll hang back, you can do whatever you guys want. I can just, you know, provide transportation, a-and food and stuff….”

“No, you’ll hang out with us, right?” Yuri was beginning to realise he didn’t have much choice but to accept Otabek’s offer. “It can be like a date!” Yuri grinned devilishly at Otabek, who blushed.

“Yeah, uh, sure, i-if that’s what you want.”

“It’ll be fun,” Yuri nodded, smiling. “Um. Thanks, Otabek,” he finished half shyly.

“Anything for you, Yuri,” Otabek said without thinking, his inner romantic showing itself. He instantly regretted his words. “Uh….”

“That’s sweet,” Yuri giggled. “Hm, I think we’re due for best friend nicknames!”

“ _What_?”

“Come on,” Yuri whined, “I heard Leo call you ‘Beks’ and now I wanna call you something cool too!”

“Uh, okay…? Did you have something in mind?”

It didn’t take Yuri long to answer. “Hm.” Yuri cocked his head to the side, looking at Otabek and considering his options. “Beka?”

Otabek liked it. A lot. Perhaps _too_ much. His heart did a little flip at just the sound of it coming from Yuri’s mouth.

“Now do me!” Yuri demanded playfully, and those words sounded way too fucking tempting.

“Uh,” Otabek said smartly. “Your diminutive is Yuratchka, right? Still not the best with Russian names….” Yuri nodded. “Or, maybe like… kitten or something. It’s very _you_.” He continued. Yuri’s cheeks bloomed red.

Otabek smiled at him. “Either one is… yes, I love them both,” Yuri said with a grin. “Come on, use it in a sentence!”

“Ready for breakfast, kitten?” And it was so _easy_. It rolled off his tongue like he’d used the nickname a thousand times before.

Yuri couldn’t help the blush that deepened on the apples of his cheeks. “Yes, Beka,” he answered in return. Otabek blushed alongside Yuri. It was extremely cute. It sounded so fucking precious coming from him. So, he got up and Yuri followed as they went into the kitchen.

Otabek had a good feeling about the future.


	7. making sense of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek had helped grandpa set the table for Alisa’s birthday lunch. Yuri couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face and the warmth that blossomed in his chest as he watched the man interact with his family. 
> 
> It felt like a breath of fresh air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is purely self-indulgent and fluffy, beware.
> 
> Chapter warnings: discussion of homophobia
> 
> Chapter title from Save Me by MΛJIK
> 
> !!!!! IMPORTANT !!!!!
> 
> For anyone following @jesusasahi on Tumblr prior to this update, they deleted their account by accident and reclaimed the URL, so if you want to follow again, you should go do that. The URL is STILL @jesusasahi !!

So, ultimately, Otabek won the argument that Yuri wasn’t going to strip. It wasn’t exactly the safest option, he knew. But he did take him up on his offer to talk to Guang Hong, which did in fact lead to Yuri learning to pole dance. He and Guang Hong connected well, too, and Yuri felt something like excitement at having a friend. Otabek had also encouraged him to take another dance class, because it was so obvious how naturally talented he was at it, he just had a feel for music and Otabek had told him as much. At first, he wasn’t so sure. He just needed to get a job and picking up more classes would mean paying Otabek back even more.

Somehow though, Otabek’s voice just made Yuri want to do anything he says. He wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t even as if Otabek had demanded him, or pressured him, it was just… so easy. But, now he was going to four classes a week; ballet and pole, and Otabek was working regularly again, which Yuri was happy about. He hadn’t meant to disrupt his life so much.

Yuri happened to go out with him only a few times a week now though, because he found that he was exhausted by the end of a practice day. They seemed to have settled into some kind of routine though, which Yuri swore he’d never really had before. It was comforting to know that while he had dance practice in the morning, Otabek was home working on his music and that while Yuri was in the pole studio in the afternoon, Otabek was at the gym. He liked knowing that when classes finished, Otabek would be there to pick him up and knowing that they’d go back to the apartment to have dinner together. He liked that when Otabek said ‘ _let’s go home_ ’, he undeniably meant that it was Yuri’s home too.  

All in all, Yuri was enjoying his life. Otabek had bought him a _phone_. A nice one, too, and he could text his grandpa and Alisa whenever he wanted. He also made sure to call a couple times a week, and it did wonders for his mood and outlook on life.

And it was finally time to visit Alisa and his grandpa! He was so excited, he could barely sleep. (Plus, with Otabek back at the gym again, _fuck_ he looked good shirtless. It was already hard enough to fall asleep with all his fantasies swirling around in his head.)

Otabek had insisted they spend the night at his Grandpa’s place and that it was totally fine, and Yuri didn’t know if he’d ever felt so happy in his life. Mikhail had only allowed them to visit for a couple hours and it was never enough. And Otabek didn’t seem to mind at all that they would be spending an entire day together. And Alisa was going to love their surprise for her. He knew it.

Yuri and Otabek placed their overnight bags in the backseat of Otabek’s car, got in, started the music, and started driving. Yuri was trembling with excitement to see his sister.

“You know, Yuri,” Otabek said nearly twenty minutes into their drive, “I wouldn’t mind taking you more often to see them. If their your only family, it’s the least I could do.”

“You would do that?” Yuri was in disbelief. Really, Otabek was such a quality man. “Th-That’s a lot—”

Otabek chuckled. “After all this time, you think I mind?”

“Well, no, but… you must draw the line somewhere, right?” Yuri looked at Otabek through his hair.

“Hm, guess we haven’t found it yet.” And Yuri remembered Otabek’s words, _anything for you_. He was beginning to believe that more and more.

“What about your family, Beka?” Yuri asked curiously. It was strange that while he never really liked to talk about his own, Otabek hadn’t mentioned his once.

“Uh. I have a sister too…. She’s older. I think you’d like her. She’s… spunky.” He smiled, looking at Yuri out of the corner of his eye. Yuri heard that hesitation though. Yuri knew that Otabek didn’t often pry into his life. And now he was thinking that perhaps there were reasons for that that came from his own experiences. Yuri wasn’t much good at _not_ prying though. He didn’t know how Otabek controlled himself, honestly.

“Do you have parents?” Yuri asked. He wanted to _know_ this guy beyond the fact that he simply liked to care for people and make music. He tried to be careful with his words though. He knew from experience that parents could be a rough and sensitive topic.

“Uh huh,” Otabek half-replied and reached for the volume on the car radio. He turned it down, leaned over to the glove compartment and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “Do you mind?” He gestured haphazardly.

“You smoke?” Yuri’s eyes widened, but he gestured for him to go ahead.

“Not really,” Otabek gave a nervous laugh. “Just socially… uh, nervous habit? Gives me something to do with my hands.” Otabek fumbled for a moment with a lighter and then chucked it back into the glove compartment along with the packet once the cigarette was lit.

“Not good at talking?” Yuri guessed. “You are kinda quiet, huh?”

Otabek just nodded. “My parents, they…”  Otabek smiled and took a drag. “They’re kind of old school. They don’t talk to me much. Or my sister really, but she has a couple kids so they speak to her a bit more, I guess...” It was Yuri’s turn to sit and listen now. He just looked at Otabek and tried to encourage him silently like Otabek did for him. “She came out recently, too, though, and it’s put a bit of a strain on things.”

“She came out? Like… your sister is gay too?”

Otabek nodded and took another drag. “Yeah they, uh…. They kicked me out in high school… when I told them. I stayed with Leo a long while.” His voice was kind of small, smaller than Yuri had ever heard it before. How could anyone hurt such an amazing guy? Anger rose up in Yuri’s gut but he controlled it as much as he could. He was starting to see now why Otabek had let him stay with him in his apartment.

“But it’s okay,” Otabek said quickly, shrugging. “I’m happy with who I am, with where I’m at. I’m doing quite alright for a 22 year old gay guy, I’d say.”

Yuri smiled at the way Otabek tried to cover up any sadness. He knew what he was doing. “Leo helped you?”

“Yeah. He’s amazing. He’s been my best friend for as long as I remember. His parents are definitely my parents, though not by blood. And he came out as bi in like middle school, and his parents were fine with it. So I knew they would be okay with me.”

“That’s really nice. He seems like a lovely guy, you’re lucky to have someone like that, Beka.”

“Yeah, he, uh.” Otabek paused to clear his throat. “He helped me figure a lot of things out, I guess.” He flicked his cigarette butt out the window. “You know that boyfriend I said I had for, like, two weeks in high school? That was him.” He chuckled.

“I knew it,” Yuri laughed. “Well, why’d you guys break up, then?” Yuri was too curious now about Otabek’s infamous yet practically non-existent love life.

“We are just so similar, you know? We don’t really work.” Otabek was smiling pretty fondly now.

“You mean like, you’re both _tops_ and couldn’t work it out?” Yuri teased.

“You think I’m a top?” Otabek sounded shocked, his voice raised by about two octaves. “No, I just meant that we’re better as friends.”

“Hm, yeah, he seems pretty happy with Guang Hong. They’re adorable.” Yuri pouted. He wanted something like Leo and Guang Hong had.

“They’re perfect for each other, aren’t they?”

 _And you’re perfect for me_.

Those were probably not thoughts Yuri should be having. But _god_ he had never met a sweeter, sexier, goofball in his life.

“Is that what you’re waiting for?” Yuri asked after a moment.

“Something like that,” Otabek’s tone was soft and kind of quiet now. Yuri wasn’t sure but he thought that he felt Otabek’s gaze linger just a little too long on his face. Yuri ignored it and just let his words sink in.

The rest of the ride was quiet and comfortable with music softly playing through the stereo, but Yuri had a feeling Otabek wanted to say more. He didn’t ask, though.

They arrived around ten, the sky light and air crisp and cold around them. The house was the same as he remembered it; out in the countryside, a small ranch, and it was well-maintained thanks to his grandpa. If it were up to Mikhail, the landlord, it’d be a shithole. Everything even _smelled_ the same, grandpa was always working in the garden, it was so beautiful. He’d come to live here a couple of times when he was a kid, just as his sister was now. He always liked this place a lot more than his mother’s house. There was always food here, it didn’t smell like smoke and pot, and there were no strange men, just his grandpa.

He was quick to exit the car and Otabek followed suit as he walked up to the door, knocking and bouncing on the balls of his feet in anticipation. Yuri almost cried when the door opened to reveal his sister and grandpa, smiling brightly. “Yuri!” his sister shouted excitedly.

“Alisochka!” he exclaimed, arms open wide as he knelt down a little in the doorway to embrace his sister. Otabek was startled to see the blonde girl looking over Yuri’s shoulder at him. It was honestly like looking at a tiny replica of Yuri. “You’ve gotten so tall, you’ll be taller than me soon,” He joked.

She nodded and held on tightly around his neck, and Yuri lifted her up. “You’re getting almost too big for me to carry,” he whined.

“You’re just weak, Yuri,” she retorted and stuck out her tongue. Otabek laughed behind them, his grandpa in front. Yuri greeted him briefly, a little preoccupied with his sister. Alisa glanced at Otabek but she slid from Yuri’s grip back onto the ground. “I have to show you my new dollhouse Grandpa got me!” she exclaimed and pulled Yuri from the doorway by his hand. Yuri gladly followed and was glad to see that the house was still clean like it always was and smelled good, like Grandpa’s cooking. Alisa looked back over her shoulder at Otabek. “You can come, too,” she granted. Yuri snickered at her bossy tone; it reminded him of himself. Otabek looked nervous and afraid (of an _eight year old_ ) but followed nonetheless.

Alisa’s room was rather large and filled with toys and stuffed animals. Yuri was incredibly grateful she had so much when Yuri didn’t. She led him to a corner and opened her arms wide in presentation of the large dollhouse. “Isn’t it amazing?” she gushed and Yuri nodded.

“It really is. You better put it to good use.”

“Of course.” She looked at Otabek again and back at Yuri. She shuffled closer and Yuri leaned down so she could whisper in his ear. “Who is he?”

“That’s Otabek. He’s my good friend,” Yuri whispered back. Alisa nodded, still a bit wary. “We have a surprise for you.” She lit up and turned to Otabek, who waved awkwardly.

“What is it?” she asked.

“It’s not a surprise if we tell you!” Yuri laughed and stood up. “Come on, let’s go hang out with dedushka.” They walked out of Alisa’s room back out to the kitchen where his Grandpa was pulling something out of the oven. He knew exactly what it was by its smell. “Oh my god, you made pirozhki?”

His grandpa straightened up and smiled. “I always do, Yuratchka.” He turned to face Otabek who was quietly standing in the doorway. “Are you going to introduce me to your _friend_ or are you just going to let him stand there?”

“That’s Otabek,” Yuri said, glancing between them. “Otabek, this is Nikolai, my grandpa. And Alisa. Obviously.”

Otabek stood next to Yuri awkwardly. “It’s nice to meet you,” he said in that voice Yuri loved. “Yuri has said so many good things about you.”

His grandpa smiled. “And you, too.”

Otabek smiled back and Yuri noticed how his grandpa eyed him before going back to serving them. He knew his grandpa seemed to approve of Otabek, as he was normally rigid and cold around Mikhail. They had been in quite a few arguments over the years because grandpa was the type to voice any concerns without issue and Mikhail was the type to retaliate. But so far with Otabek, grandpa had only watched and sent a few small smiles in his direction to try and make him feel more comfortable.

  


 

Otabek had helped grandpa set the table for Alisa’s birthday lunch. Yuri couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face and the warmth that blossomed in his chest as he watched the man interact with his family. He wasn’t sure why he kept comparing Otabek to Mikhail, but he knew for certain that Mikail’s interactions with his family just set every nerve in his body sparking with anxiety and dread. He would usually find himself counting down the minutes to disaster. But now? The feeling in the room didn’t require him to be ready for action, to get up and leave. It felt like a breath of fresh air.

Yuri sat at the table with Otabek to his left and Alisa to his right. Grandpa sat at the head of the table as he always did after he set down the pirozhkis and a multitude of salads and meats. Yuri was excited to shovel as much of his grandpa’s cookin into his mouth as was humanly possible. He wasn’t allowed the pirozhki last time he was here with Mikhail (“You have to keep your figure for anyone who wants you; they don’t want a disgusting pig,” he’d said).

“Dig in, Yuratchka, stop drooling,” Grandpa chuckled a little and began filling Alisa’s plate with whatever she couldn’t reach where she was sitting.

They ate with a general clattering of plates, Yuri’s content hums and Grandpa’s questions about what Yuri had been up to recently. He was impressed that Yuri had taken up dancing and even more impressed, Yuri thought, that it was Otabek’s idea. They left the part about the poles out of the story, of course, and topics like Yuri’s mother were avoided, as always, to keep the peace.

An air of tension couldn’t always be avoided under this roof though, Yuri had concluded. It was sweet, curious little Alisa who brought it on this time.

“So...is Misha gone now?” her sweet voice piped up. Yuri winced at the use of his diminutive and inhaled probably half a pirozhki. He couldn’t help but notice Grandpa’s raised eyebrow at that question. He was clearly wondering the the same thing, because he’d been rather vague when they talked on the phone.

“Uh. No I um. It’s a little complicated right now, sweet girl. I um. Still gotta keep the house for you and grandpa remember?”

Otabek’s look of confusion caught Yuri’s attention but he didn’t try to explain further, and he noticed the look of guilt that crossed Grandpa’s face. Alisa nodded in whatever understanding an eight year old could make of that.

“I think… I like Otabek more,” she concluded.

_So do I, Alisochka._

  
  
  


“Do I get my birthday surprise now?!” Alisa sat on her knees in her chair and bopped in excitement as she ate the cake Grandpa had made her.

“Not yet, angel,” Yuri giggled and reached over to wipe chocolate off her cheek. “You’ll find out tomorrow when we get there, how does that sound?”

“Tomorrow is so far,” she whined.

“Well… if you sleep early, tomorrow will come quicker. Aren’t I right, Beka?” he called in for backup. Otabek cleared his throat a little and nodded in response. Yuri was beginning to realise just how open and comfortable Otabek was around him compared to everyone else. It was kind of sweet to watch how shy he actually was. He was, of course, quite shy around him but this was a whole other level.

“Shower and then bed after your cake okay, Alisochka?” Grandpa instructed, taking a sip of the tea Otabek had made him. (Really, Otabek was amazing Yuri right now.)

Alisa pouted but nodded nonetheless. “Yuri, you _promise_ you’ll still be here in the morning?”

Yuri’s heart melted with guilt when he saw that worried look on his little sister’s face. Those bright green eyes shouldn’t need to be clouded with so much anxiety. He reached out with his index finger and smoothed out the tiny wrinkle that had formed between her eyebrows from the way she had furrowed them together.

“I promise, Alisochka.” Yuri held out his pinky finger for her to take it in her own. “Ya lyublyu tebya, sladkaya. Get ready for bed, okay?”

Grandpa turned to both Yuri and Otabek as Alisa ran down the hall and away from the dining table.

“You’ll look after her, right?” He worried, looking between the both of them.

“Dedushka, of course I will, come on,” He rolled his eyes dramatically “You know I would never let her get hurt, right?”

“I know,” grandpa sighed. “I’m allowed to worry though. You’ll text me when you get there tomorrow? And let her text me from your phone if she needs too, okay?”

“Yes grandpa, of course,” Yuri smiled softly. He hated that they had to have this discussion though. He knew his grandfather would never even consider letting Alisa go on an outing with him if it were Mikhail going with them. He was grateful, he honestly was, but he was also saddened that it had taken him this long to spoil her even a little. “I’m just going to go and make up the bed for us, is that okay?” Yuri got up from the table once grandpa had nodded in silent permission.

“I’m sorry about the sleeping arrangements, Otabek. I only have a single bed in Yuri’s room,” he took another sip from his mug. “I might have to invest in something better, huh Yuratchka?” He chuckled and called out as Yuri attempted to escape the conversation.

“Grandpa, behave!” Yuri called back as he left down the hall.  


 

 

“I-It’s okay, sir. Uh. Nikolai. I can sleep on the couch, I don’t mind,” Otabek’s mind was racing, trying to keep up with what was appropriate as he stuttered. He half wished that Yuri hadn’t left him alone. Not because he didn’t like Yuri’s grandfather or anything, but because he was just socially awkward and anxious. He wasn’t sure what Nikolai knew, and he wasn’t even sure where he himself stood at all in this situation. Nikolai’s laugh brought him out of his own anxious fuzz though.

“Nonsense, you are Yuratchka’s guest, you stay with him.” Otabek was relieved to notice that the smile he was given reached the older man’s eyes, making the wrinkles around his eyes crease further. There was a knowing glint to them as well, and Otabek had to admit he was slightly ( _very_ ) intimidated.

“Oh uh. Okay,” Otabek gave a sturdy nod to try and make up for his stuttering voice.

“He likes you, Otabek,” Nikolai continued. Otabek might have been silently praying for Yuri to come back and interrupt at this point. “You’ve been good for him, you know? He hasn’t been himself like this in… I can’t remember how long. Thank you, young man.” His voice was gruff but it was sincere. No less intimidating though.

“H-He needed help, I—”

“I know. And thank you,” Nikolai gripped Otabek’s shoulder in that friendly-supportive dude way. It was a natural instinct for Otabek to freeze up under the contact but once he realised that it was more-or-less a hug, he relaxed a little.

“I would do anything for him,” Otabek admitted, and once again, almost immediately regretted his words. But they were the truth, and he wanted Nikolai to know he was serious about Yuri, whether or not Yuri was serious about him in return.

  
  
  


Yuri was already in bed and tucked under the covers when Otabek got out of the shower and made his way to the room. His eyes were closed, lashes fluttering subtly against his cheeks, headphones in. Otabek’s heart flipped as he made his way towards the single bed and slipped in next to the blonde boy already occupying it. It was a tight fit, but it would work.

“Beka?” Yuri stirred and rolled onto his side to face him, green eyes flickering open as he yanked the headphones out of his ears.

“Were you sleeping?” Otabek worried, but Yuri shook his head.

“Just waiting for you,” he whispered and all of a sudden, it dawned on Otabek just how _close_ Yuri’s face was to his.

They had shared a bed before. His bed. Every damn night. But this...they were closer now. Face to face, close enough to feel each other’s breath on the other’s skin and no room to scoot away. Otabek swallowed down the lump in his throat, realising there was no way he could look away or move away now. They were sleeping this close tonight and he couldn’t figure out if he had been blessed or cursed. He got to see all of Yuri’s beauty up close and _really_ personal, but he was at risk for an awkward boner.

Yuri let out a little yawn and then a smile. _Oh god_. “You’ll keep me warm, right?” Yuri asked, shuffling under the blankets. Otabek realised then that Yuri was wearing nothing but his underwear. He might have found it hard to breathe.

“Um.” Otabek took a moment for his heart (and dick, let’s be real) to calm down and adjust to the new closeness and proximity of the cute little blond boy. “Yeah, of course I will,” he settled on. Yuri wiggled a little and got comfortable.

His arm was under Yuri’s head, their legs were tangled and Otabek felt so at peace now. It was lovely, how much warmth Yuri provided. He carefully draped his free arm over Yuri’s waist (bare, mind you) and they were basically pressed flush against each other. Chest to chest. Otabek hopped to the gods that Yuri couldn’t hear the way his heart was hammering against his ribcage. They had _never_ been this close. The heat from skin-on-skin was enough to burn and blow his mind.

“Beka?” Yuri whispered into the dark.

“Yuratchka?” His voice was shaky. He hoped Yuri would ignore it.

“Do you think I’m pretty?” he whispered. Otabek was quiet for a moment. His brain was in overdrive he was sure. He wasn’t even sure if Yuri was still awake when he responded. The question seemed so out of place.

“I think you’re beautiful, Yuri.”

“Okay,” Yuri replied into the dark and Otabek felt him nod slowly. “Hey, Otabek?” he continued in his sleepy tone, soft and liquid and warm like syrup.

“Mm?”

“Thank you. For everything.”

“Get some sleep, Yuri.” Otabek let out a shaky sigh. He had no idea what that was about but he was pretty sure he need to be resuscitated.  

He waited for Yuri’s breathing to slow into that rhythm he knew too well now as the tell-tale sign that Yuri was asleep. Then, he closed his eyes and drifted too, his arms cradling Yuri’s small, warm body and his head resting atop a mess of blond.  
  
  
  
  


“Okay, sweet girl, are you ready to go?” Yuri asked after breakfast, his shoes and coat on already. Otabek had his keys in hand and a smile on his face.

“Yeah, I’m ready. Don’t I look awesome?” she asked as she set her hands on her hips. She was wearing leggings under a skirt with one of those graphic tees that kids liked. A cardigan was over top.

“Heck yeah,” Yuri grinned and took her hand. “Bye Grandpa!” he called out so Nikolai could hear him in the kitchen.

“Be safe!” he called back, and they were off.

It didn’t take long after they started driving for Alisa to ask the question, “Where are we going? Are we almost there?”

Yuri laughed, “It’s a surprise, Alisochka! We’ll get there when we get there.” And she just pouted, but was rather content otherwise, and started talking about school and her interests and everything Yuri had missed out on. He wanted to feel bad about it, and he _did_ , but he couldn’t dwell on it, because it was a new time in his life, and he would make up for it, like he was doing now.

Small talk was made the entire ride and even Otabek was brought into conversation by Alisa until they arrived nearly an hour later. “We’re here!” Yuri announced as they were about to pull into the parking lot.

Alisa gasped and observed her surroundings. “The zoo?!” she shouted. “Oh my god, Yuri, you’re the best brother ever!” And that had Yuri grinning. That was all he ever wanted to be for Alisa.

“Thank Otabek for driving us here,” he chided gently and she squealed.

“Thank you Otabek!” she half squealed.

“It’s my pleasure, Alisa,” he said coolly as he began to look for a parking spot. It was a busy day, as it was a weekend. It took a few minutes, but they all got out together and Yuri made sure to slather Alisa’s visible skin in sunscreen, despite her protests that it was cold out and didn’t _need_ sunscreen. Yuri said something like the sun still works on cold days, and her skin was too pretty to let it get ruined. She let it happen after that.

Otabek made sure everything was taken care of in order for Yuri and Alisa to have as much fun as possible. Alisa’s first request was to go see the reptiles, of course. So that’s where they went, and it definitely did not disappoint. Alisa fawned over every snake she could, admiring the patterns and colors of them. She named them all, too.

“They’re so freaking awesome!” she moaned at one point when they were looking at a boa. “Do you think Grandpa would let me get a pet snake?”

Yuri snickered. “Not yet, sweetheart. Maybe when you’re a little older.”

Otabek was behind Yuri, lowkey looking away from the long reptiles. Yuri was going to call him out for being scared, but he wouldn’t want Otabek to get made fun of by an eight year old. His ego would be ruined.

After spending almost a whole hour with the reptiles, they headed to the big cats, Yuri’s favorite. He was just as excited as Alisa was, and his day was made whole when Otabek took his hand in his gently. He squeezed lighty and he and Otabek shared a long look. Alisa gasped.

“Yuri, Yuri, are you and Otabek dating?” she asked in wonder. She looked so happy. Yuri and Otabek blushed similarly.

“Not… no, Alisa,” Yuri said softly and she frowned.

“Ugh, that’s so unfair,” she whined. Yuri wanted to question her, but he thought it best he didn’t. He wasn’t sure what would come out of her mouth now.

So he just hummed and held her hand as well as they walked to the big cats. “Do you want ice cream, Alisa?” Otabek asked as they passed a vendor.

“Really?” She looked at Otabek with wide eyes.

“Yes, really. There’s also a souvenir shop, if you want to look. Pick out whatever you want.” Alisa gasped and the three of them first went into the souvenir shop. They let Alisa roam around, looking at whatever interested her.

“Otabek, you really don’t have to,” Yuri insisted, looking at the smiling man.

“I know. But I _want_ to. She looks so happy, Yuri. Isn’t it worth it?” And Otabek was right. It totally was. Seeing his little sister happy was amazing, and knowing he was making it possible… that was even better. Yuri picked out a shirt with a tiger on it, Otabek a bear, and Alisa a black hoodie with the zoo’s name on it, and a stuffed snake. Yuri thanked Otabek profusely as he paid and Alisa thanked him too, but she seemed pretty happy to be spoiled.

Together they exited, got ice cream, and continued their trek to the big cats, stopping to view other animals along the way.

Yuri openly cooed when he saw the lions. He pressed himself close to the fenced barrier. “Otabek, I want one,” he said breathlessly.

Otabek laughed. “Yuri, no.”

“Any zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough,” Yuri whispered, face pressing into the fence.

“Yuri, _no_ ,” Otabek said through a cackle. Alisa giggled where she stood next to him. It took a little bit for Yuri to part with the lion exhibit and they moved on to the tigers, which Yuri literally almost cried over. They were so _pretty._  

Yuri didn’t notice how Otabek was admiring him, didn’t notice how Otabek’s lips quirked up whenever he commented on the animals in front of him. But that was okay, because Otabek didn’t seem to notice how Yuri’s heart sped up indefinitely when they held hands or had any sort of contact. Like last night, he was _dying_. The way Otabek held him and just _everything_ about it was amazing. He wanted exactly that every night, he’d never get tired of it.

They made their rounds around the zoo and had a late lunch. They had _more_ ice cream because Alisa requested it and how could they refuse when it was her birthday?

It was just a really amazing day, Yuri concluded. Alisa was pooped and passed out in the car as music played while Otabek drove them back to Grandpa’s house. Yuri couldn’t help but stare at Otabek, at his amazing jawline, his arm flexing as it gripped the wheel. Physically impeccable, really. _God_ he loved when those arms were around him at night. And those _hands_. They would be amazing inside him—

He needed to stop. Really. Though, he was sure it was true; his fingers were much thicker than his own and _strong_ and _fuck_ —

Oh, he was getting hard. Time to stop. For real. He looked away, crossing one leg over the other to try and calm himself. _Deep breaths, Yuri_.

The next half hour passed quickly, and Yuri managed to keep his dick soft (a feat, really), and it was nearly time to leave his grandpa’s house. He was feeling sad, but not nearly as much as he would be if he’d only gotten to spend a couple hours with them with Mikhail. Plus, he knew he’d be able to see his family more often now.

It was all thanks to Otabek.

They stood at the door, Alisa and Grandpa on one side and Otabek and Yuri on the other. Yuri gave tight hugs to his family, cradling Alisa close and whispering how much he loved her and he’d be over again soon. Grandpa told him, “You be safe, Yuri. I’ll let you know if Mikhail says anything more,” and gave him a squeeze.

Otabek gave Alisa a hug too, and a firm handshake was exchanged with Nikolai. Yuri couldn’t catch what words they exchanged, but Otabek seemed pleased. Or surprised. Or both. Nonetheless, it was a positive reaction.

Yuri glanced over his shoulder once more as they walked down the driveway to the car, seeing Alisa and Grandpa waving. He gave a little wave back before he opened the passenger door and hopped in. He looked over at Otabek, who was still smiling.

“Thank you, Beka,” Yuri whispered, and that was all he needed to say before Otabek nodded and started the car.

“Anything for you, Yuri.”


	8. can't help but think of what we could be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was Otabek’s own voice and the recognition in Yuri’s eyes sent Otabek into some form of bliss. It was in this moment that he realised he wanted to make Yuri happy for the rest of his life, as sappy as that was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update!! We just forgot what day it was and what day we normally post... haha. 
> 
> This chapter doesn't have any additional warnings.
> 
> Chapter title from 3:00 AM by Finding Hope
> 
> enjoy!!

They had only been home for a day. Yuri was exhausted, and all he wanted to do was lounge on Otabek’s couch… preferably _with_ Otabek and watch a shitty movie while he stared at the other man’s face instead. He didn’t think he’d had enough staring time. But, Otabek had work to do and Yuri had choreography to two highly different dance routines to learn.

As Otabek drove him to the dance studio, Yuri couldn’t help but think back to the way that they had slept the whole night in each other’s arms again. So close that they could feel the other’s chests slowly rise and fall. He remembered the way that he could feel Otabek’s cool breath drift over his face as he breathed, sleeping soundly in close proximity despite the amount of room they had back in Otabek’s bed.

He thanked Otabek as he got out of the car, as usual, and entered the dance studio, perhaps feeling a little more dreamy than he did most days. He met with Ji (it was much easier to say than Guang Hong, and it was cute!) almost first thing in the changeroom. They quickly changed and made their way into the classroom. They stretched together while dance remixes played in the background.

There had been something nagging at him in the back of his mind of late, and it seemed to tug a little harder whenever he was at dance. There was a boy in his class and everyone knew he was transgender. He had opened up a little about it at the beginning of their first class, when everyone was introducing themselves. As their instructor, Ji had asked everyone to share something about themselves and their preferred pronouns, because pole dancing in particular was a sport that attracted people from so many different walks of life. It had taken Yuri a little bit to get used to the idea, he had never had the chance to even think about something so important, being that Mikhail had scoffed and brushed off the idea of anything like _that_ being possible. But it _was_ , and Yuri got to meet someone who went through all that. And just _hearing_ him and Ji being so open and casual and welcoming about something that honestly scared him… warmed his insides a little. He felt kind of odd though, as if something had quite literally _clicked_ and switched on inside his head.

Yuri couldn’t help but feel _something_. Something had been stirred in him recently, particularly since his shopping trip with Otabek a few weeks ago. When Otabek had been so accepting of the things Yuri wanted to try. He didn’t think he was a girl, no, that wasn’t it at all. But sometimes… sometimes, he wanted to be. He liked wearing “girl” clothes, he liked _feminine_ things, and he sometimes got a little giddy when strangers called him “ma’am” when they saw his long hair and small frame. But some days, he felt like a boy, too.

It was all very confusing, and he was only now able to really start to find himself with Otabek, who let him wear whatever and do whatever he wanted or felt, really. He thought it was one or the other, but then again, he wasn’t sure. He wanted to know.

When practice started, he resolved to go home and ask Otabek about it. He would know, right? He knew a lot of things. But for now, he resolved to just dancing and letting the music forget any worries he had, like it always did.

 

*

 

Like with most anxieties though, the issue returned to the forefront of his mind the minute his dance routine ended and his feet were firmly planted back on the floor. He had to ask as soon as he got in the car, basically. It was just nagging at him now. So, after buckling up, wiping his sweaty face with a towel and Otabek pulling away from the curb, Yuri blurted out, “Beka? Sometimes I… I don’t feel like a boy. Is that… weird?” He fiddled and twisted his delicate hands in his lap as he anxiously waited for a reply.

His nerves had time to simmer and build up as Otabek hummed and sat quietly for a moment, turning down the music playing through his stereo, obviously thinking on his words. “I don’t think that’s weird, Yuri, no. There are lots of people who feel like that. And I kind of… well, your love of feminine clothing made it kind of obvious? Not that clothes dictate how you identify, don’t get me wrong. But, uh, do you feel like a girl? Or just not like a boy?”

“Y-You can feel like neither?”

“Yeah, some people do.”

This was all so new. “Um, well, thinking about it, it just… kind of depends, I guess? On my mood, I don’t know. It’s… confusing. But sometimes I just don’t feel like a boy and sometimes I feel more girly and sometimes I feel like _such_ a boy?”

“That’s okay, Yuri. You have time to figure it out, you know? I’m glad you could talk to me about it, though. I’m glad you came to me.” Otabek’s voice was so gentle and caring and just everything Yuri wanted to hear. “Let me know if… if I say anything to make you feel uncomfortable in that regard okay? If I call you a boy and you don’t really feel like a boy that day?”

Yuri felt as if his heart was pounding and trying to jump right out of his throat, but as Otabek’s words settled, his heart began to swell with warmth. “Thanks, Beka. You really are the best,” he murmured and leaned back in his seat to focus on the music. He had _time_. That realization never hit him so hard than it did in that moment. He smiled.

 

*

It was a few days later when they shared a rest day together that Otabek entered the living room, laptop in hand. Yuri looked away from the T.V. to look at Otabek, who was blushing. “Hey, I was thinking about what you told me the other day, so, um, I did some research.”

Yuri felt his heart swell at the notion. Otabek was so incredibly sweet. He moved his feet so Otabek could join him on the couch. He opened his laptop up and the screen brightened. “So, I found this thing on gender… and I thought maybe this might be you?” He pointed out underlined terms that read _genderfluid and non-binary._ “What do you think?”

And, well, reading something like a definition and a narrative, it seemed so simple and… like it _fit_. Like a puzzle piece had fallen into place. He didn’t often feel like one or the other wholly at any given time, and, well, gender was fluid in and of itself, wasn’t it? That’s what he felt, anyway. He felt a bit wrong to feel like he didn’t fit as either a boy or girl, but that was because he had been told by Mikhail to feel like that. Mikhail was gay. Mikhail _needed_ a boy. Now though, he was sure there were of plenty of people who felt just like him.

“Yeah, I think… I think this is it, Beka,” Yuri said almost breathlessly as he looked to Otabek, who was grinning back at him. “Thank you, for doing this for me.”

Otabek blushed and shrugged it off. “It was nothing, Yuri. It… I thought it would help, so…”

“Yeah, it really did.” He quickly threw his arms around Otabek, giving him a hug. He was so grateful to have someone like Otabek appear out of nowhere and come into his life bearing great things. It was like a lucky break. Otabek was another puzzle piece in his life, he decided, and probably the most essential; a corner piece. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

*

 

Now that Yuri actually had _friends,_ he actually had people to text on his new phone. He practically thanked Otabek every day for it. He mostly texted Alisa and Ji and a couple of people from dance with it. That, and being able to have music with him at all times was a comfort he didn’t ever want to let go of again.

As well as texting with friends, Yuri could actually _hang out_ with them. And that’s what he was planning on doing with Ji, who he had become close with quite easily. He was such a gentle soul and they had similar interests, like cute animals, and Ji was very impressed with Yuri’s newfound selfie/social media skills. (He also prided himself on teaching Yuri ‘the ways.’) Plus, Yuri was eager to share his self-revelation with him. Ji felt like a safe place to start.

So, they planned for Yuri to go home with Ji after their next dance class and have dinner and just hang out like friends did. Yuri was _excited_. But he was also a tad nervous, because he didn’t know exactly how to act. It’d been so long since he got to hang out with a friend… He was sure it would go well, though, because Guang Hong was kind, he made him feel normal and was funny and fun to hang out with. Plus, he and Leo were pretty fun to watch. Yuri had begun to think that he wanted something similar to what they had. He had a few questions regarding relationships, too, and perhaps he enjoyed feeling giddy over something like boy-talk, but he wouldn’t admit that. The smile on his lips and blush on his cheeks would say it all for him.

  


The days passed slowly, but Yuri revelled in that. He was spending his days how he wanted, happily at that, and he didn’t feel anxious or scared. Things were coming together, it felt like.

That’s why he was so excited as he and Guang Hong walked to his apartment complex, a mere two blocks away from the dance studio they practiced at. Yuri followed Guang Hong up a flight of stairs and in through a door that led to Guang Hong’s apartment.

“We’re here!” he announced loudly and set his bag by the door. He gestured for Yuri to do the same, so he did, and together they walked to the kitchen where Leo stood, wearing an apron as he cooked.

“Welcome home, love,” Leo said casually but then seemed to notice Yuri’s presence. “Oh! Yuri. Hello. Welcome. Sorry, habit,” he chuckled and looked back to his meal prep. “Dinner will be ready soon. You good with hamburgers, Yuri?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Thanks.” Yuri observed the kitchen as Ji went and kissed Leo gently, grabbed two bottles of water, and led them back to the living room. They plopped themselves down on the couch.

“Wanna watch a TV show?” Guang Hong asked as he turned on Netflix. Yuri nodded.

“Yeah, sounds good. Whatever you want is fine, I like finding new shows.”

“Okaaaaay,” Guang Hong singsonged, flicking through suggestions and lists. “Oh, this is a Netflix original! I only watched the first three episodes, but you don’t need to know much to understand. That okay?”

“Yeah, totally,” Yuri said as he took a drink of water.

“It’s about these five gay guys that help people. It’s really nice,” Guang Hong said and Yuri bit his lip.

“Uh, hey, I think…” he began, not really sure what to say. He wanted to tell Ji, of course, but he’d never really had to _come out_ before.

But Guang Hong was attentive. He set his hand on Yuri’s knee in support. Yuri puffed out a breath. “I think I might be genderfluid? Or something?”

Guang Hong grinned. “Oh _hell_ yes! That’s awesome, Yuri. I’m glad you’re finding yourself.” He was so genuine, it was so sweet.

Yuri smiled and shrugged, bumping his shoulder against Guang Hong’s. “Thanks.” They shared another smile and began watching their TV show. It oddly reminded Yuri of Otabek, with the guy wearing glasses and sweaters and polos and being broad-chested and shy… and it just reminded him.

At the end of the episode, before dinner, Yuri nudged Guang Hong. “Kinda reminds me of Otabek.”

“Oh? Is he _kinky_?” They both laughed.

“Maybe. I feel like he is, hidden under all that shyness… but uh, I think I like him. But I don’t know.”

Guang Hong frowned a bit. “Why do you think you don’t?”

“Well, I think that maybe I just like him because he takes care of me… and he took me in, so like… I _have_ to like him? I-I don’t really know. Does that make sense? But at the same time, he’s… everything I want.” Guang Hong knew more of Yuri’s past than even Otabek, and that was because Yuri was scared of pushing Otabek further away from him than he wanted.

Guang Hong hummed. “Yeah, that makes sense. I get it. But don’t overthink it, okay? Trust your instincts. Like, you’ll know. I knew with Leo first thing. I just… we connected so easily. It was like love at first sight, really.” He sighed dreamily.

Yuri nodded slowly. Was that what drew him to the DJ that first night he played? _Love_ ? Could it really be? He knew that he _knew_ , deep down. But maybe he was scared. Of what though, he wasn’t sure.

They were called for dinner, so Yuri knew he’d have to think it over later; the possibility was too real to ignore.

  


It was a few days later when Yuri was still figuring out his feelings that Otabek entered the bedroom with a _look_ on his face. Yuri was immediately suspicious. Otabek had said he was going to the gym for a few hours but… he didn’t look all flustered and sexy like he usually did after a gym session. Believe him, Yuri knew that look _well_. “What? What did you do?”

“I have a surprise for you,” Otabek said with a smirk but a gentle light in his eyes.

“First it was a phone, now what?” Yuri scolded playfully as he swung his legging-clad legs over the edge of the bed.

Otabek smiled shyly. “We have to leave the house to go get it.”

Yuri smiled and nudged Otabek’s shoulder as he passed him. “Let’s go then.” Together they walked to Otabek’s car, and the man looked very excited. Yuri was still a bit skeptical. He wasn’t sure if Otabek could outdo a brand new smartphone. They listened to music as Otabek drove, and Yuri didn’t recognize where they were going. He had no idea what Otabek had in mind. Yuri didn’t bother asking, either.

When they pulled up to a house, however, Yuri was a bit sketched out. “Are you sure we’re at the right place, Beka?” he asked, even though Otabek was already unbuckling with a smile on his face. He felt a ball of anxious energy bubble in his belly and make its way up to his chest. ‘Surprises’ and random houses hadn’t exactly been a treat for him in the past.

“Come on, Yuratchka,” he basically purred and _that_ suddenly had Yuri scrambling to exit the car. They walked side by side up to the front door and Otabek knocked confidently. When the door opened, they were met with a beautiful girl with neck-length, red hair. She looked to be about Otabek’s age, and she seemed nice enough.

“Otabek, good to see you again,” she greeted, her voice smooth and rich. Yuri looked to Otabek with a raised eyebrow. What could possibly be the surprise? “Oh,” the girl said, disrupting Yuri’s thoughts, “You must be Yuri. I’m Mila.”

Yuri nodded in greeting, still confused, and more so when Otabek followed Mila inside. Her house was tiny but neat, and Otabek was absolutely grinning now. That was when Yuri heard _meowing_. Multiple meows. He literally gasped and whipped his head around to Otabek so hard he might have gotten whiplash. “You _did not_.”

Otabek looked away from Yuri and kept following Mila, who opened a door to reveal _kittens_. _So. Many. Kittens._ It was fucking _Kitten Wonderland._ Yuri, heart struck with cuteness and emotion overload, broke into tears.

“Oh my god, Beka, _look!_ _Kittens_!” Yuri sank to his knees and the fluffballs that were the kittens surrounded him, mewing and pouncing around. “Beka,” he cried, “they’re so _fucking cute."_

Otabek grinned as he watched him pick up a couple of kittens. “Pick one, Yuri. That was the surprise.”

Yuri gaped as he cradled two fluffy kittens close to his chest. “Really?” he asked, shocked. “Can’t we get all of them?” he begged.

Otabek chuckled and Mila did too. She watched on with her arms crossed, looking rather amused. Yuri couldn’t help himself from cuddling all the kittens that came up to him. This was his dream come true. Beka was actually allowing him to get a _cat_ . He could learn responsibility by taking care of it, and giving it attention, and being a good cat-parent. While he cuddled with all the excited critters, there was one _very_ fluffy kitten  smaller than the rest, sitting aside by a food bowl, looking at him with disinterest. Somehow, it called to him.

He set down a kitten and pointed to it. “I want that one,” he said clearly. His heart was set. Mila chuckled again.

“She’s a feisty one. Runt of the litter, though. She’s surprising.” Mila was careful as she stepped around the five other kittens on the floor and picked up the lonesome one. It—she, Yuri recalled—writhed and mewed, disgruntled, as Mila held her.

Yuri cooed as Mila brought her over. He was careful setting down the other kitten as he reached to take the little one in his hands. She calmed immediately in Yuri’s hands and Mila’s eyebrows raised. “Interesting. She normally hates people. Me and Sara, at least….”

Otabek chuckled. “Yuri’s special.” Yuri rolled his eyes at that.

Yuri barely listened as he brought the cat up to eye level. She was adorable. He looked to Beka. “This is her. _Puma Tiger Scorpion_ ,” he said, stars practically in his eyes. He didn’t mind that Mila was cackling, or that Otabek was stifling laughter. What mattered was that Otabek was staring so lovingly at him, as if he were admiring him.

“Potya, yes?” Yuri nodded in response, grinning with tears still staining his cheeks. Otabek turned to Mila. “We’ll be glad to take her off your hands.” Mila nodded, gave Otabek a bag with kitten food, and a carrier for Potya. Yuri never wanted to let her go. 

 

*

 

Yuri did, albeit reluctantly, put his new kitten in the carrier as they went to the pet store to pick up supplies and toys for the new addition to… their family? The thought warmed his heart. He wanted that, _so much_ …. The feeling reminded him of what he had seen while he was at Ji and Leo’s place. Did Otabek feel the same? Was Yuri actually falling for Otabek? Had he already fallen? It was all so much, in what seemed like a short amount of time... but he was actually nearing the three month mark of his stay with Otabek. Nonetheless, Alisa would be so happy if she ever visited to see a kitten!

They got Potya a litter box, Otabek insisted on a cat tower, and various toys and Yuri picked out a black and purple food tray for his new love, who was relatively quiet in the carrier. Yuri felt a little guilty, as always, as Otabek paid, and they left. Yuri still cooed over the cat. He felt all warm and happy and _hopeful_.

He was quick to let her out of the carrier when they got home so she could observe her new surroundings. She was thorough, sniffing through every room and surface her little body could reach. They set up her litter box in the half bath, and the cat tower in the living room. Yuri put a few toys on the ground of the living room and bedroom, and then set out food. She ate eagerly, but not much. Yuri kept fawning over her, and Otabek watched on with a smile.

“She is cute, I have to admit,” Otabek said when they were having dinner and Yuri was gushing over their cat. _Theirs._

“Thank you, Beka. It means… a lot to me. She’s gonna be so loved, I promise.” He was getting emotional over a cat, but he really was appreciative. He’d always wanted a cat, and now, maybe he wouldn’t feel so useless.

“I know,” Otabek said softly with that smile that was reserved just for him. “That’s why I thought you might enjoy it… Plus, she can keep you company whenever I’m working late.” The thought warmed Yuri’s heart. Him, caring for their cat and playing with her while Otabek filled the house with his own music. That was the dream.

Yuri nodded with a, “That sounds good,” and they ate dinner together in peace.

 

*

 

That night, they decided on putting Potya’s bed in Otabek’s office area, where she would sleep until they decided she was big enough to sleep with them in bed. They closed the bedroom door so she couldn’t get in, and settled into bed like usual. Yuri had a good feeling about everything. He felt like he could really begin to allow himself to think he _liked_ Otabek. _Like that_.

While Otabek was in the bathroom, Yuri, deciding he was as comfortable as he could be around Otabek, grabbed one of Otabek’s t-shirts and pulled it on over his head. The only other thing he wore was a pair of dark blue lace panties. He felt cute and comfortable and ready for sleep. He’d had a good day, and he was looking forward to cuddling with his boyfr—friend. Just his friend.

 _Shit_.

*

 

Otabek couldn’t sleep.

 

Even though they had an eventful day, he just couldn’t seem to find dreamland. Today had been filled with excitement and warmth that should have tired him out, but he just _couldn’t_. The nights had started to get warmer, which meant Yuri had started kicking off the sheets in the midst of his sleep. He didn’t mind that part, honestly. But, the warmer weather meant that when the sheets came off, Otabek was left with the visible reality that Yuri was wearing nothing but his old shirt and a pair of panties that _honestly_ made his ass look edible. And _God_ Yuri had such an incredibly cute habit of sleeping on his belly, with one leg tucked up which made the shirt ride up his back, exposing more skin. There was absolutely no way Otabek could close his eyes when his reality was far more perfect than anything he could imagine dreaming.

Yuri stirred in his sleep, half rolling to face Otabek now with his eyes still closed and his lids fluttering from active dreams. Otabek couldn’t help but just gape at how beautiful he was. His eyes roamed from the sprawl of blonde hair on his pillow to his nose, lips, hips… his ass. _Fuck_. He couldn’t keep this up. This was creepy. Yuri deserved to sleep in peace without Otabek staring at him. If he stared any longer, he’d have a problem in his pants and he already felt guilty enough for the amount of times he’d excused himself due to poorly-timed boners. He’d been blessed with a curse, he swore.

Otabek made the conscious decision to get up and let Yuri sleep in peace. He smiled down at his serene face and politely pulled the sheet up to cover his exposed butt, blushing as he did so before he left the room. He just needed to clear his mind, and music was always a surefire way to do just that. He made an effort not to make a sound as he left, closing the door quietly behind him. He padded down the hall to his office, finding tiny Potya mewing and purring once she saw him in the doorway.

“Oh, is that our baby girl?” Otabek cooed now that Yuri wasn’t keeping her all to himself. He smiled to himself, his heart warming at the thought of Yuri being so unbelievably happy. He bent down to scoop up the tiny white ball of fluff that circled and nuzzled at his ankles for attention. Otabek had never been fond of the idea of having animals, but he knew this was the right choice. Potya was adorable and she took a liking to both him and Yuri instantly. Kind of like the way Yuri had seemed to take a liking to him when they had first met under strange circumstances. In many ways, Yuri did remind him of a lost kitten. That was why he needed to try and put his own feelings on hold. He knew Yuri was just trying to find his way. He silently hoped every day that the way Yuri was going was straight to him though… not going anywhere really, he hoped Yuri would find his home here with him.

Otabek drew in a deep breath and sighed before he crossed the room to his computers and multitude of electronic keyboards and equipment. This was his sanctuary of sorts.

The dim, blue light of the dual computer screens lit up the darkness of the room and shone their light onto the keyboards that made up the entirety of the wall on the right hand side of the room. On either side of the screens sat his bass speakers, in front were his mixing boards. Below the desk on the floor sat a multitude of cords and reverb pedals. It wasn’t the most brilliant set up, he knew. There was only so much he could do really in an apartment as small as his but this space, even more so than his bedroom, was his haven. It was his pride and his joy, everything in here had helped him through so much. He could breathe here, he could forget here, and he could let it all out here. He was counting on it now, too.

He sidled up to his desk chair and sat back, placing a needy Potya in his lap and slipping his headphones on over his head. He got to work attempting to continue mixing the original track he had been working on for a few weeks now, adjusting the levels of the bass and trying to create the perfect, ambient, downtempo sound he had envisioned when he first wrote the lyrics.

He was attempting to listen to it all the way through, analysing what needed to be changed as he sat peacefully in the dark. He was mindlessly petting Potya’s ears and tapping the reverb experimentally when he felt the weight of a boney little chin and the tickling of long strands of hair rest on his shoulder. He jolted, not having heard anyone come up behind him with his headphones on. But there _he_ was. As Otabek turned his head to get a look of him, Yuri did the same, his lips close to the crook of Otabek’s neck and his eyes, glistening under the light of the computer monitors, searched Otabek’s face silently.

Otabek slowly slid his headphones off, resting them around his neck. “Thought you were asleep,” he whispered. Yuri was _so close_ he could feel his body heat and the warmth of his breath on his face as it ghosted over his eyelashes. He had to look down, he couldn’t keep the eye contact, not like this. He was so fucking close but Otabek could not make himself move away.

“Mm. Was,” Yuri hummed. “I-I have nightmares sometimes. And you were gone…”

“Oh, Yuri.” Otabek moved then; he moved back but he picked Potya up, offering the small cat for Yuri to take. Once Yuri had her in his arms, he twisted in the office chair to face Yuri, reaching out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind his ear. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Yuratchka. I’m here now though. Do you need to talk about it?”

Yuri thought on that for a moment before shaking his head. “No, I-I’m okay.”

It was Otabek’s turn to ponder now. “Music helps you, right?” he asked, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth nervously. Yuri nodded, somewhat sleepily. “Wanna listen to something I’ve been working on?” Otabek asked softly, cautiously wrapping and arm around Yuri’s waist and guiding him to sit sideways on his lap, both of Yuri’s long legs dangling over Otabek’s upper thigh. Otabek wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen Yuri smile wider as he agreed.

Otabek unplugged his headphones and started the track from the top. He watched and searched Yuri’s face as it began to relax. He visibly began to fill with ease as the slow but sharp beat began to play in gentle pops. Yuri draped and arm around Otabek’s shoulder and he leaned into him as the soft lyrics began to filter through the speakers in the room.

It was Otabek’s own voice and the recognition in Yuri’s eyes sent Otabek into some form of bliss. It was in this moment that he realised he wanted to make Yuri happy for the rest of his life, as sappy as that was.

 

_Baby it’s 3:00 AM_

_Had you on my mind_

_And it’s not the first time we’ve gone through_

_This_

_Wanting you more and more_

_I can’t help but think of what we could be_

 

“Beka.” Yuri nudged at Otabek’s cheek with his nose to get his attention. “It’s beautiful,” he whispered, smiling softly.

“It’s a work in progress,” Otabek shrugged.

Yuri sat up straight in that moment. He had a new look of inspiration and mischief planted across his face. “Beka, you should dance with me,” he stated, grinning now.

“Uh. Yuri it’s… we aren’t at the club and this isn’t really the kind of song you dance to, it’s slow,” Otabek nervously cocked his head to the side, questioning Yuri’s sanity slightly. “We can’t really dance in my office.”

“Of course we can,” Yuri argued, standing up and taking Otabek’s hand in his own, pulling him up out of the chair. He set Potya on Otabek’s now-vacated chair. “We are dancing to _your_ song.”

The song was soft, despite the loud volume and the resonating bass thumping lazily through the speakers on Otabek’s desk. It was different from a lot of the mixes he played at the club, and it was worlds away from the sounds Yuri was used to. Where Otabek’s usual tracks rippled and built in speed and pitch, becoming higher and higher, filled with adrenaline until it dropped and soared; this song felt like more of a weightless bop. It mixed soft melodic hums with low piano notes and a reverberating trap beat layered over the top to create an ambient sway. Yuri took Otabek’s other hand in his now, and pulled him closer so that they were swaying chest to chest.

Yuri smiled up at Otabek before closing his eyes and breathing slowly.

Otabek could tell that Yuri felt the rhythm of his song; he saw it pulse through him visibly as it did for him as well. He’d never met anyone else that _felt_ music the way that he did before, but Yuri did. Yuri let the music guide him, carry him.

 

_Give me a chance to say I love you_

_And I need you_

 

Yuri smirked, pushing slightly away from Otabek, lifting their clasped hands in the air and spinning himself around, coming back to Otabek to dance with his back pressed against his chest.

 

_You’re the reason that I lie awake_

 

The sound of Otabek’s singing softened out and trailed off through the speakers as soft instrumental sounds continued. Otabek rested his head on top of Yuri’s as they swayed together in the dark, resisting the urge to move his hands to his hips or plant a gentle kiss on the top of his head.

The song slowed to a stop. Yuri turned in his arms, facing him now. He looked… expectant.

Otabek cleared his throat a little and stepped back, letting go of Yuri completely. “We should go to bed, Yuratchka.”

Yuri averted his gaze but nodded. “Yeah…. You too, though.”

Otabek smiled softly, taking Yuri’s hand. “Okay. Let’s go get some rest.”

Sleep was easy after that.


	9. you are going to hate this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt good in his mini skirt and heels and revealing crop top, and nobody cared. Nobody looked twice. It was just him, the DJ, and the music here. 
> 
> Until it wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are sorry again for a bit of a late update! The days have been blurring together! 
> 
> This chapter has a warning for verbally/emotionally abusive relationship dynamics making an appearance. Please take care of your beautiful selves. 
> 
> Chapter title is from You Are Going To Hate This by The Frights

As always, Yuri was looking forward to going out. He was all dressed up; he’d even done some makeup tonight and was ready to let loose. He walked in with Otabek as usual, but today Guang Hong was working, so it’d be just him out in the crowd. He was a little anxious, but knowing Otabek kept an eye on him made him feel better about it all. It was cute, really. Yuri remembered how much Otabek had blushed when he admitted to it nearly two weeks ago.

_They were all sharing drinks at Otabek’s place, laughing and telling stories. It was mostly Leo, though, who was the most intoxicated out of the four of them. He was talking about the last club he and Otabek worked at and something funny that happened. The story of Guang Hong and Leo’s first meeting came up, and Guang Hong was suddenly curious to how Yuri and Otabek had met. Leo had a devious look in his eyes as Otabek briefly stated, “He was in trouble, I saved him from a couple of guys. That’s it.”_

_“So, Beks, wanna tell us how you knew Yuri was in trouble?” Leo asked knowingly._

_Yuri raised an eyebrow. He_ had _always wondered exactly how Otabek knew when he’d been on stage that night. Then again, he remembered how they made eye contact that night too…_

 _“Uh,” Otabek spluttered. Guang Hong giggled and Leo was smirking. Otabek took another swig of his beer. “I may or may not have been watching Yuri.” His face was beet red and Yuri cracked a grin. “God, I sound creepy as hell.”_  

_“I always wondered how you knew. That’s pretty cute, Beka. You’re like my knight in shining armor. Don’t worry, I was totally watching you too.” He winked, adding a flourish to his words. Otabek’s neck flushed._

 

Later, Guang Hong  told them they were _totally_ flirting. Yuri rolled his eyes but he had smiled.

The admission from Otabek gave Yuri a lot to think about. More specifically, how he was going to seduce Otabek. Because he _really_ wanted Beka. Knowing he was watching him on the dance floor for a majority of the time meant Yuri was going to use dancing as his chosen method of seduction. It had worked on plenty of people before, but then again... Otabek was different from everyone else—in all the best ways possible. It was becoming clearer with each day, though, that Yuri wanted Otabek in more ways than one, and he wanted his seduction to move _beyond_ sexual. Otabek was a romantic and it was rubbing off on Yuri, making him want to have Otabek _swoon_ over him, or something dumb like that. He’d grown used to all of their touching—a hand on the small of his back, his own hand on Otabek’s arm when they talked, his hair being played with. Guang Hong smirked every time he witnessed it and gave Yuri a knowing look.

But, Yuri couldn’t do anything about it. Not yet. He had to really dig into his feelings, figure out how he really felt about Mikhail in all of this. It would take just a little longer, and _then_ he could confess. Right? That was how it worked, wasn’t it? He’d never had to do this before. Maybe Otabek would confess first, though, and he wouldn’t have to worry about it. That would be ideal.

Yuri greeted Leo as Otabek met with him. They had to get ready and Yuri was off by himself with a warning from Otabek to be careful and Leo saying something snarky afterwards. Yuri rolled his eyes, playfully of course, and waved as he left to get a soda. He agreed to keep drinking to a minimum since he was alone, and knew better now than to accept drinks from strangers.

He sat around for a bit until Otabek got on to play. _This_ was his favorite part, and he met eyes with his favorite DJ as he began moving his body to whatever beat Beka dropped. God, it was intoxicating, and just like every other time, Yuri got lost to the sound. It thumped around in his head like his heart in his chest. His body was more in control now from taking dance classes, and he felt _good_ . Free. Colorful strobe lights flashed and the bass was heavy and it was all _so familiar_ and good and liberating. He felt he could be whoever he wanted here, and he was. He felt good in his mini skirt and heels and revealing crop top, and nobody cared. Nobody looked twice. It was just him, the DJ, and the music here.

Until it wasn’t.

It was during a slow song when Yuri turned to catch his breath and take a break for a drink when he saw _him_ , standing there, staring at him.

_Mikhail._

Yuri’s blood ran cold and he froze, unsure of what to do. Should he get Leo? Otabek? JJ the security guy? Shit, Mikhail would be angry if he did that. He wanted to turn away, to leave and go find one of the guys but he was frozen. And then, the man he feared most was approaching him with long strides and his wrist was being grabbed and he was being dragged towards the bathrooms, in the rather small hallway. His breath was ragged from having danced so much and having fear knocked into him by being faced with Mikhail.

“I finally fucking found you,” were the first words out of Mikhail’s mouth. Yuri’s own opened and closed like a fish out of water and he had no idea what to do. He didn’t feel as if he was Mikhail’s any longer, so should he behave? Before he could come to a conclusion, Mikhail was grabbing his face roughly. Yuri flinched and Mikhail _laughed_ , right in his face. “You’re looking even more like a whore, playing a _woman_ . What’s gotten into you, _Yura_ ?” The nickname still sounded sour on his tongue. Yuri wanted--no, he needed Beka, _now._

“Cat got your tongue?” Mikhail laughed again and pressed him hard into the wall. “You’ve cost me, Yuri. So much. Your mom needs her fix, you know. She’s _sick_ from withdrawal, Yuri. How could you let that happen to her? And your _Grandpa_ and poor, little _Alisa_ …” he mused and Yuri froze further.

“W-What about them?” he asked meekly. Mikhail smirked.

“You covered them, you know. This month their rent runs out from my pocket, Yuri. If you don’t come back, I’ll have to find other _means_ of getting it covered.” Yuri did _not_ want to go back. He didn’t. He was beginning to love his life; he was just finding himself.

“I’m not coming back, Mikhail,” he said firmly, standing his ground. He’d never had the courage to get what he wanted, but Otabek had taught him so much. He deserved better.

Mikhail pressed him harder. “Is that so? I guess I’ll find a way to get Alisa—”

“If you touch her, I’ll fucking kill you,” he snarled.

“Then come back, Yuri. Or else I might have to do something I don’t want to do. I _miss_ you.” And then he was being kissed hard and Yuri could do nothing but stand there and take it. He didn’t know what would happen if he fought back. Plus, he knew he couldn’t beat Mikhail physically.

And then, there was a slamming of doors. Mikhail was off of him and when Yuri unscrewed his tightly-closed eyes… Otabek was there. His face was contorted into something that read as _furious_ , his fists clenched and jaw visibly locked in anger. Yuri had never seen this Otabek before.

“Get the fuck off him,” Otabek demanded in that low, incredibly attractive voice. Shit, Otabek was hot. Now was not the time to be thinking that.

Mikhail was taken aback but his face turned dark, and unfortunately, that was familiar to Yuri. “Who the fuck are you? Yuri’s new boytoy?” And then that look was directed to Yuri and he flinched under its weight. Mikhail’s jealousy fueled almost all of his actions.

Otabek stepped between him and Mikhail. “No, I’m his… roommate.” Mikhail’s eyes were dark. Yuri’s heart was pounding. No one moved.

Mikhail stood up straight and began walking toward the exit. When he walked past him and Otabek, he leaned in close to his ear and whispered, “Three days, Yuri,” and left. Otabek couldn’t have heard what he said, not with the sound of the club outside thumping through the walls. Yuri swallowed, trying to choke down the sickness he felt.

Otabek was quick to turn around. “That—that was Mikhail, wasn’t it?” Yuri nodded numbly. “Shit, are you okay, Yuratchka?” He took his hand carefully and Yuri nodded.

“Yeah, yeah. I—can we go home?”

It was easy getting out of there, much to the crowd’s disappointment that the best DJ was leaving. Yuri’s mind was a battlefield, his brain reeling and trying to figure out what to do. It was _Alisa_. The decision was so easy yet so hard because he didn’t _want_ to. He wanted to stay close to Otabek, wanted to become a family.

He knew what he had to do.

*

 

Otabek cuddled him extra close that night but Yuri couldn’t sleep. He was awake most of the night, his mind going through every pro and con of leaving. The only pro was keeping his family safe. But it’s big, important, unignorable pro. That was it. He knew it and he _hated it._ But he had to.

Otabek was going to hate him.

The next day, Yuri woke with Otabek’s arms still wrapped around him, comforting and safe. He felt his heart twist, knowing that he would no longer have this in the next 48 hours.

_I’m sorry, Beka._

*  


It was the afternoon before this would all end, before his life would go back to the way it was before he had Otabek. It would go back to being fearful of every word he spoke and every action he took. He was going to miss Beka more than anything.

Yuri decided this was his last chance to see if he could give Beka something in return for everything he’d done for him in the past three months. He hadn’t been able to get a job like he’d wanted, and he didn’t have time to put together something meaningful for him. He decided to work with what he had.

So, Yuri put on the leather lingerie that Otabek had picked out weeks ago, and checked himself out in the full-length mirror in the bathroom. He looked good, right? He looked healthy, and the lingerie still fit him well. He took a deep breath and walked down the hall and out into the living room where Otabek sat on the couch, Potya perched on the arm next to him. She was already getting bigger, even though it had only been three weeks since they first got her. He would have to give her extra cuddles and kisses tonight. He was going to miss her.

Otabek looked equal parts appalled and bewildered at Yuri’s get up as soon as he laid eyes on him, wide and cheeks ablaze. “Y-Yuri!” he choked, sitting up straight. Yuri, taking a chance, went and straddled Otabek’s lap. He was feeling all sorts of things. He wanted Otabek, but… if they were going to be together, he never imagined Otabek having him like this for their first time. Because he wanted there to be a first time where it was calm and soft and careful. Like Otabek. Not like this. 

Otabek seemed to agree, but… Yuri had wanted to give it a shot. If Otabek thought he was hot, he would want him like this, right? But Otabek was pushing him away, and that wasn’t what Yuri had expected.

“Y-Yuri, what are you doing?” he asked frantically as Yuri stood up, eyes stinging.

“I-I thought… fuck, nevermind, fuck,” Yuri mumbled, turning away. Rejection hurt, and it constricted the air in his chest… even if he had wanted it. He felt so conflicted.

He got up and ran to the bedroom. He was quick to change into sweats and Otabek’s t-shirt, curling in on himself in bed. This was it. He took in all the details of the room once again. When would he get to be here next? He might never be able to see these things again. There was a framed picture of him and Otabek sitting on the bedside table now, something Otabek insisted on even though he initially didn’t want to take the picture. The cat toys on the floor. The bluetooth speaker on the bookshelf. Otabek’s little wardrobe, neat and orderly.

He didn’t know how long he laid there, but eventually, Otabek came in with a soft rap on the door. “Yuri?” he asked as footsteps approached. “I have to work tonight. Coming with?”

“N-No, sorry. Last night kind of shook me up.” The half-truth. Lying felt awful when it was to Otabek. He couldn’t help but try to memorise his face in the short amount of time it took for Otabek to nod in understanding, explain that he was about to make dinner and then turn, leaving Yuri to be alone again.

Otabek probably thought that being alone was what Yuri needed right now. But it was farthest from the truth. He needed Otabek closer than he ever had been.

He thought distantly, _Goodbye, Beka._

*

 

A lump rose in Yuri’s throat as he stared down at the bag he had brought with him to Otabek’s apartment. It sat on the bed, practically empty. He hadn’t realized how little he had actually brought with him that first night. And now… the belongings he had acquired thanks to Otabek’s generosity had to be left here.

He never thought that he would ever grow so attached to something so trivial as material things. But these things were also attached to Otabek and attached to the idea that Yuri could be nothing but his true self, whoever that was. His heart sank as he realized that the small bag of makeup and his clothes would not be coming with him. Mikhail would probably burn it all anyway if he found it. He was going to risk his phone, though. It was the only connection he would have to the outside world, anyway. He would keep it turned off and hidden and use it in emergencies and when he was alone. He just had to be careful.

Otabek had left for work about half an hour ago. But, Yuri was working on saying goodbye to the apartment, to guaranteed safety, and to Potya. He couldn’t bring her with him. It wasn’t safe for her to be with him anymore and he knew Otabek loved her just as much as he did.

He breathed a shaky, deep breath. He took Otabek’s old shirt off and replaced it with one of his own. He hung Otabek’s back up in his closet, lingering a little too long on one of his blue, nerdy sweaters that he had insulted often. He truly loved and hated that sweater. His fingers trailed along it and he held it to his nose just for a moment. He just needed that scent for a minute longer before he let it go. It smelled like mint and safety and home.

He wouldn’t find comfort in it anymore.

He left the bedroom long before he was ready to, bag shrugged up onto one shoulder. If he hung around in the apartment any longer, the nagging feeling in the back of his head that said _Otabek is your family_ would win over and everything would be ruined.

He had to do this. He could be strong, like he was for the past nineteen years of his life. He took a deep breath, steadying himself as much as possible before he walked down the hall, stopped to kiss Potya, and walked out the door. This was it.

One single tear made its way down Yuri’s cheek as he walked down the street in the dark. He wiped it away and cleared his throat just as the familiar sound of an engine and tires slowing on gravel came up behind him. High beam headlights shone onto Yuri’s face. He wanted to vomit as he caught sight of the stupid blue Hilux that had pulled over. He stared, blinking a little and trying to propel himself forward.

“Yuri. Get in, boy, come on. I don’t have time,” Mikhail’s rough voice called out to him.

Yuri would like to say that he didn’t look back as his boyfriend drove. But he did.

 

*  


Otabek came home from the club around four in the morning, expecting to find Yuri asleep in bed, or up with Potya from not being able to sleep alone, or wandering the house or using the bathroom. He knew Yuri had trouble sleeping most nights. He found none of those things to be true though, as he entered the bedroom. It worried him immediately because he didn’t receive any texts from him, saying he was taking a walk or anything.

And then, Otabek found _it._

He approached the bed with quick steps, a small piece of paper visible on top of his dark pillowcase. He snatched it and unfolded it quickly. When he read it, his heart stopped and he had to sit down in fear that he might pass out. His hands shook. His heart pounded. He became a crying mess without realizing it. He read the note again and again, despite how much it hurt.

 

_Thank you for everything, Beka. I’m sorry. I have to do this. I don’t know if I’ll be back. Take care of Potya for me? Give her extra cuddles and kisses._

_Love, your Kitten_

_xo Yuratchka_

 

Yuri was gone. He had no idea where he went. He had thought things were going well. Did he do something wrong? Something so horrible it would make Yuri leave without telling him why? It hurt. He took to his phone and began typing hysteric texts to Yuri, consisting of _‘where are you?’_ , ‘ _are you okay?_ ’, _‘what did I do?’_ , but mostly, _‘please just text me. let me know you’re safe.’_

Every single one was unanswered.

*  


There was no way he was sleeping, not tonight. He found himself pacing in the bedroom, eyes trained to Yuri’s side. He called Leo. It was so early in the morning, his voice hoarse and throat raw from crying and trying to restrain himself. But, he had no one else to talk to. Leo took a bit to pick up, but he did at last.

“Dude, it’s fucking early. What is it?” Leo asked with a groan. It was five in the morning. He didn’t feel like he had the emotional capacity to feel apologetic, however.

“Yuri’s gone.” And that was that. It was out in the open, and it stung truer than before. Tears poured out of his eyes even when he thought he had already cried himself out.

It took a second for Leo to respond. He was probably just as shocked as Otabek first was. “ _What_?”

“H-He left last night when I was working… He left a note, a-and I don’t know where he’s at or why he’s gone.”

“Shit, are you—how are you holding up?”

Otabek shrugged but then remembered he was on the phone. “I don’t know what to do. With Yuri not here. With myself. I just… I’m worried. It has to be Mikhail. He… said something to Yuri the last time we were at the club.”

Leo swore under his breath. “The one time I’m not there.”

“I think he would have gotten to Yuri one way or another. It’s not your fault, Leo.” _It’s mine._

“Shit, Beks… I’m sorry.”

“I’ll call if I hear from him. Looks like he took his phone.” Otabek knew because it wasn’t anywhere to be seen while all of Yuri’s other possessions like his clothes, makeup, and jewelry were all in their normal places.

He hoped and hoped that Yuri would reply, at least _once_. He had a feeling that that wasn’t how it would be, though, because if his gut was right and Yuri went back to Mikhail, there probably wouldn’t be a reply.

The only way he knew he would get through this, however, was if he could hold that little bit of hope inside himself; for Yuri. 

Anything for Yuri.


	10. i'll be your reason we won't talk again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wasn’t sure of much lately. Being back here brought an unsure fog along with it that he could feel now blanketing and suffocating every part of himself that he had found when he had left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahem, sad and very short chapter ahead. sorry yall
> 
> chapter warnings: pretty graphic depictions of abuse
> 
> chapter title from I'll Be Your Reason by Illenium

Yuri sat on the floor of their tiny bathroom. The door was locked and his entire body was protesting sitting this far down after the night he had. But, he couldn’t stand either and this was the only way he would ever know if Otabek was okay.

It was nearing six in the morning, he was shaking, and he wasn’t able to see very clearly out of his swollen left eye. Or through the silent tears for that matter, but Mikhail would be asleep now for a few hours. This would be the only moment he could have. Staying up would be worth the lack of sleep if he got some alone time (just time away from Mikhail, really). He just needed the peace of mind that _someone_ was keeping an eye on Otabek. He knew that the DJ wasn’t fond of being alone either.

 

**Me**

> Ji. Look after Otabek for me. Thank you for accepting me the way you did. It was nice meeting you.

 

Yuri leaned his head back against the tiled wall, shakily trying to breathe in enough oxygen with his aching ribs. He wasn’t expecting an immediate response, it was so late. Well, it was early, he supposed. But, his phone vibrated in his hand. He opened his phone but turned his settings to silent as a precaution. Everything sounded so loud in silence.

 

**Ji**

>> Yuri?! Where are you? I can come and get you, Otabek has been at our place for the past hour, he’s worried sick.

 

Yuri let out a sigh. He didn’t respond. Instead, he deleted the text and deleted Ji’s name from his contacts. If he got any others he would respond to them later, but not now. He needed to get back to bed before his boyfriend noticed his absence.

  


*

  
  


“You know I love you don’t you, Yuri? You know we’re meant for each other,” Mikhail said in between drags of his breakfast cigarette. There was a box of (probably stale) cornflakes sitting between them on their little table, next to Mikhail’s ashtray. Yuri’s stomach churned. He couldn’t bring himself to eat.

He nodded though. “I know, Mikky,” he replied, voice small and his eyes trained on the table-top.

“You belong here, with me. You always have. And all I want to do is help you, and help your family. You know this, right?”

“Yes, Mikky.”

“Good. We have a little _party_ to go to tonight, so make yourself look pretty for us, yeah?”

Yuri nodded again, despite the fact that his entire being was screaming for him to leave.

That night was the first night in a long time that he had cried when other guys had touched him. When he closed his eyes, all he could see was Otabek. It was the only thing that made him stay, despite knowing that Otabek’s touches would have been different, somehow.

 

*  
  


**Unknown**

> Yuri? It’s been two days, please just let me know where you are.

 

**Unknown**

> He’s worried about you. We all are. Please?

 

**Unknown**

> Look, Yuri I know you’re with him. If I don’t get a reply today though I’m calling the police. We just need to know that you’re safe.

 

**Me**

> No police!

>> I’m fine. Please don’t tell Otabek where I am.

 

Yuri’s heart pounded and threatened to jump right out of his throat. He typed with shaky hands, once again finding solace in the bathroom. It had been a week now, and Yuri had managed to keep his phone a secret for this long. Mikhail couldn’t know about it. He couldn’t know that he was talking to Guang Hong, another boy. Once he had read the last text he had received, Yuri had made a sad excuse that he needed a shower and bolted towards the bathroom where he knew that he would have at least two minutes in here without disturbance. He cursed himself for not thinking of a better excuse though. Mikhail would come knocking, expectations of joining Yuri soon.

He turned off his phone and stashed it beneath the sink, where the plumbing was and where nobody would think to look. He undressed quickly because if Mikhail came in and found him dressed he’d get suspicious. Plus, he thought that maybe he’d feel cleaner with more showers.

That wasn’t possible when Mikhail did end up joining him, caressing his body and all of its new, dark additions. In fact, he felt dirtier than ever. How was he supposed to hold himself together? He felt weaker than ever. He wanted Otabek, he wanted Potya, he wanted to see Ji again. He didn’t want this.

He was realizing with each passing day how much he had desensitized himself in the past in order to live with Mikhail. And after Otabek, there wasn’t a day where Yuri felt he could make it through. He could see Mikhail for what he really was now. _Everything_ in him wanted to scream for help now. _Everything_ told him to get out and not to just take it. Maybe there was another way…

Either way though, Yuri knew he had to wait a little longer. He needed to think about this, to plan this, he needed to make Mikhail believe that he was here for good. He could do that, right? Just a little while longer. He could do this. He had before.

 

*

  
  


Waking up next to Mikhail was so different to waking up next to Otabek. It was Monday now and Yuri wasn’t able to get much sleep. Mikhail was unable to keep his hands off him while he was awake but he was miles away now, despite their close proximity. There was no physical contact while Mikhail slept soundly in their bed. He missed the way he used to wake up warm, with arms around him. Why didn’t Mikhail do that? Did he want him to? He wasn’t sure.

He wasn’t sure of much lately. Being back here brought an unsure fog along with it that he could _feel_ now blanketing and suffocating every part of himself that he had found when he had left. Mikhail stirred next to him. Yuri flinched. Mikhail simply got up, though, and made his way to the bathroom without much of a word. Yuri wasn’t sure if he was relieved or hurt. On the one hand, he didn’t have much energy to speak or argue his way through the morning. It was easier this way. On the other hand, Yuri craved a whispered ‘ _good morning_ ’ or an acknowledgement of his existence at the very least.

Yuri got up too, pushing back tears as he stumbled his way through the cramped and cluttered space. Every aspect of this life made Yuri feel as though he were walking on a layer of thin ice, cracking under his weight and walls that were slowly closing in around him. Everything seemed too close, too suffocating, but at the same time, he needed the structure of those walls to help him make his way over life's fragile cracks.

Yuri found himself boiling water for Mikhail’s coffee without even thinking. It was strange how the routine had not left him. It made his heart flutter, knowing that this morning perhaps wouldn’t be so hard because he had done something right. If he could _just_ get through the morning without any trouble… but, the flutters stifled in a matter of seconds as a heavy feeling of being trapped replaced it. Was this really what his life was going to be like? He hadn’t even realised that all he lived for before was the moments where nothing was wrong. They were few and far between. But now, Yuri knew that they didn’t have to be.

“I’ve got some work to get to today,” Mikhail said as he drank his coffee, leaning against the small kitchen bench. It was already 11 A.M. but Mikhail was never much of an early riser. “You’ll have dinner ready for us when I get back, right?”

“Yeah,” Yuri nodded as he always did.

 

*

  


Yuri couldn’t really cook. He was nineteen, he’d never been taught, never had the time to learn and money and ingredients were never anything that were just lying around. He was also too afraid to leave the confines of their trailer just yet. So, he ordered take-out. It was brought straight to his door and as planned, he was able to get it onto plates before Mikhail arrived home.

He dug around in the fridge but could only find one can of beer. Boy, did he need a drink too though, he couldn’t lie. He took a glass, poured half the can in, sat it in front of Mikhail’s set dinner and then kept the other half for himself. He skulled it, disposing of the empty can before sitting himself at the table and waiting for his boyfriend.

“Ah, little Yuri!” Mikhail exclaimed as he entered the front door. He trudged through to the kitchenette and slumped into his chair across from Yuri at the table. He began eating without even looking at Yuri who had been waiting. “Saw your mom today. She has a new boyfriend,” he said around a mouthful of pasta.

“Oh,” Yuri sighed, poking his food around his plate. His mother was a bit of a sore point for Yuri. Mikhail knew this of course, but he never seemed to acknowledge or respect it.

“You could _at least_ pretend to be interested in my day, Yura. You’re so ungrateful, you know that?” He snapped. _Oh shit_. No, this wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go.

“I’m sorry,” Yuri was quick to try and correct himself.

Mikhail reached out to his glass of beer and took a sip. Yuri analysed as he shook his head at only god knows what. “Where’s the rest?” Mikhail’s voice was raising now.

“W-What?”

“My beer, where’s the rest of my beer, Yuri?”

“I-I uh. Well there was only one and I needed _something_ and—“

“You ungrateful little parasite. You drank my beer? You know how much I work to provide for you? And you take the one thing I get to myself?”

“M-Mikky, I’m sorry I—“ Yuri stuttered. He felt like he was drowning. He needed to get back up to the surface, calm this wave just so that he could breathe.

“I give you _so much,_ Yuri, you really think it’s okay to just take from me?” Mikhail swung his arm in a dramatic and angry gesture. His hand knocked the glass, causing it to tip and smash into tiny shards on the linoleum floor. A pool of beer rippled through the shards of class like water around the rocks down a rapid river. For a second, all Yuri could do was stare. “For fuck’s sake! Look what you did now!” Mikhail wailed.

“I’m sorry, Mikky,” Yuri whispered as his body sprung into action, kneeling down to the floor to pick up the glass, piece by piece in his hand. He couldn’t help the yelp that escaped his throat. He felt the sharp tug of hair that ripped and stung at his scalp as Mikhail got a grip of his locks and used it to yank him up, forcing him to stand.

Mikhail’s face was so close to his now. He was shoved and pinned against the table, cutlery and plates clinking violently. “You can’t do anything right, can you, Yuri?” Mikhail said, full of venom and spit. “You know this is for your own good, you never learn otherwise.”

_It’s okay. He loves you. He said so._

Yuri wasn’t sure that he could keep convincing himself for much longer.

  
  


It was the third month of Yuri’s return to Mikhail when he reached his breaking point, literally and figuratively.

 

**Me**

> Ji. I’m sorry. I have to get out.

>> i’m so sorry ji

 

**Unknown**

> Yuri

>> call the police now

 

Searing pain. A scream clawed its way out of his throat.

 

**Me**

> mikhails goign to ksil me ji fuck

 

**Unknown**

> police. NOW

 

Yuri didn’t know how he did it, but the last image in his head was Otabek and all of his warmth radiating from him and that smile that never failed to comfort him.

 

*

 

Otabek was in a constant state of worry. His only outlet was his music, and even then, it was plagued by the fact that Yuri wasn’t there with him. Leo often came over or invited him over to distract him with anything, but it didn’t seem to help. A month and a half had gone by with no word. He was beginning to think the worst, but he couldn’t allow himself to think like that. Yuri was _strong._ He had to be.

But Otabek was unsure what Yuri’s capacity was. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what was happening if Yuri really had gone back to Mikhail like he assumed. If Mikhail had done what he did to Yuri for going out, it could only be worse now.

Needless to say, it kept Otabek up most nights, tossing and turning and trying to figure out what to do. He weighed every situation and its seriousness; every situation and its options. He had called Nikolai, even, and he’d heard nothing. But he’d told Otabek he thought it was Mikhail, and that was that. Nikolai said he’d let Otabek know if he heard anything about Yuri. Otabek thanked him and told him to say hello to Alisa for him. He’d heard a smile in Nikolai’s voice when he’d agreed.

Leo and Ji reassured him that he’d see Yuri again; that there was no denying how much they cared for each other. That was the last bit of hope Otabek was hanging onto, and he clung to it like a lifeline.

 

 

It was almost another month and a half or a little less when Otabek almost couldn’t take it anymore. He was tempted to go pay Mikhail a visit, but Leo had to stop him multiple times. He was in his car, keys in the ignition when the image of Yuri’s face, frightened beyond belief was pulled from the depths of his memory. The image of Yuri’s face when he had found him outside his apartment door. He knew it would make it worse for Yuri if things didn’t go as planned, and things not going as planned was almost a given.

Just as he was about to leave, Leo was pulling up behind him, effectively stopping him from going anywhere. _Dammit, how did Leo know him so well?_

He sighed and leaned his head back against the headrest, giving up when Leo appeared at his window. He rolled it down without sparing him a glance.

“Don’t do it, Otabek,” Leo said solemnly, and Otabek sighed.

“I’m going fucking crazy, Leo.”

“Hold it together, Otabek. He’ll come back. Sooner or later.”

“Dead?” he scoffed, and the thought pained him incredibly. It was too plausible. Leo’s voice dropped, and his face did too.

“Don’t think like that. You can’t think like that.”

“You didn’t see him the way I did, Leo. It’s a possibility.”

Leo gave an audible sigh. “We’ll get the cops involved if or when we need to. But right now… you know he went back by choice and there’s not much they can do. You could at least try to remain positive, you know?”

Otabek glared at the windshield. “You think I haven’t tried? It’s not exactly something I can _remain positive_ about.” Otabek hated knowing that anything he could possibly do about this was the wrong move.

“Come on, Beks. Get out. Let’s have a drink or something.” Otabek sighed and complied, turning off the car and following Leo up to his apartment. How Leo was in control in this situation, he didn’t know, but he didn’t have the energy to complain or protest.


	11. you don't know what i need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was nearly two in the morning when Otabek’s phone rang. He was easily pulled out of sleep, as he hadn’t exactly been sleeping well for the past couple of months, anyway. He was always worried about Yuri; he was no longer at his side, sleeping in his bed, and it hurt. There was no word from him, just that last letter he’d left on his pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: Lots of discussion of abuse
> 
> chapter title from Brb by SWMRS
> 
> we're close to the end y'all

It was nearly two in the morning when Otabek’s phone rang. He was easily pulled out of sleep, as he hadn’t exactly been sleeping well for the past couple of months, anyway. He was always worried about Yuri; he was no longer at his side, sleeping in his bed, and it _hurt._ There was no word from him, just that last letter he’d left on his pillow.

There was a sinking feeling in his gut as he reached for his phone. It was Guang Hong. All sorts of possibilities ran through his sleep-muddled mind as he answered with a hoarse, “Hello?”

“Otabek, hey, sorry to wake you up…” Guang Hong sounded apologetic, cautious, and sad.

“No, no, it’s okay. What’s up?” Otabek sat up and turned on a light, eyes squinting as they adjusted.

“Um. I’m at the hospital—”

“Oh, shit. Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Not me. Um… I’m with Yuri.”

And that’s when time seemed to stop, and Otabek’s heart shattered further than it already had. He physically felt his stomach tie into a hundred knots and the wind was knocked out of him. He hadn’t heard _anything_ from Yuri for over two months and now he was in the hospital and he was finding out through Guang Hong. He had a million questions but he chose to ask the most important: “Which hospital?”

So Guang Hong told him and he was out of bed and his house within five minutes, his heart pounding in his rib cage. He could only imagine Yuri’s state if he was in a hospital. He’d refused before, even with all the injuries he’d had when he first came to seek Otabek’s help. He didn’t want to imagine him worse off than last time, but he knew deep down that it was probably the case.

He got to the hospital in record time and began making his way to Yuri’s room with minimal holdups. His heart was in his throat, its beat in his ears. But the need to see Yuri outweighed all his fears and anxieties. He saw Ji down the hall, standing in front of the door that led to Yuri. He sped up his pace and felt near breathless as he came face to face with Guang Hong. He had a lot of questions for him in particular, a majority of them quite accusatory, but they could wait. Yuri was much more important.

“That was fast,” Guang Hong said and Otabek was itching to push past him. He seemed to notice and deflated. “He’s in rough condition, Otabek. And he needs support, okay?” Otabek was about to argue, say that he knew, that he would, but he closed his mouth with the realization that he was angry. Hurt. Upset. But he couldn’t put that on Yuri, not now. So he nodded and Guang Hong stepped aside. Otabek took a deep breath before pushing his way through to see Yuri.

Otabek wished that Ji wasn’t right when he said he was in rough condition. He wished he wasn’t right when he’d assumed it had to be worse than before. But both he and Ji were correct and it broke Otabek into smaller pieces than he thought possible.

Yuri was laying on the hospital bed, hooked up to various machines and tubes. His bruised face contrasted greatly with the pure white sheets and walls. He was staring up at the ceiling but glanced to Otabek as he walked in. It looked as if he tried to sit up but winced and kept laying. However, his eyes stayed trained on him.

“Beka,” he croaked. It sounded like he’d been crying. He probably had been.

“Yuratchka,” Otabek breathed and rushed to Yuri’s side. He couldn’t help it when tears streaked down his cheeks. He couldn’t help but take on of Yuri’s dainty, pale hands in his own carefully. Fingerprint shaped bruises were around his wrists and fuck, Otabek hurt so bad for Yuri. He wanted to kill Mikhail, wanted to take away all the pain from Yuri.

They didn’t say much after that. They basked in each other’s presence and Yuri eventually fell asleep. Otabek assumed he hadn’t slept much recently, so he was glad the boy could finally rest. He didn’t know how much time had passed when Ji entered the room quietly. He took a seat next to Otabek.

“What… injuries does he have? Besides bruising? We didn’t… talk much.” He didn’t look at Guang Hong when he asked because he was scared of what expression he might see be wearing.

“Broken ribs. Bruising in his hips. Malnourished, but the doctor said that’s an easy fix with vitamins and proper meals. And, um, Mikhail… stabbed him? Kind of? More of a ‘deep cut’....” It was quiet for a while, because Otabek had absolutely nothing to say. He was shocked and angry. He wanted to cry some more. “He missed you, you know.” And fuck, that hurt. But one thing bothered him more.

“You knew.” It wasn’t a question, because Otabek could put two and two together. “You knew where he was. You guys talked.”

He didn’t miss how Guang Hong’s eyes voice was laced with guilt. “Yes. We didn’t talk often, but yes, we did.”

“And you didn’t bother to tell me? _At least_ that he was alive?” He knew his tone was hardening, but he felt betrayed.

“He asked me not to tell you. He didn’t want you to worry, or to go to him…”

Otabek scoffed lightly. “I worried more not knowing anything. Fuck.” He dragged the hand not holding Yuri’s down his face. “I thought he…” He couldn’t finish his sentence; it hurt too much to think about. He decided to change the subject instead. “You didn’t do anything? Even though you knew he was back with his abuser?”

“Otabek, if I had called the police, it’s unlikely they could have done anything. Yuri’s a legal adult, and with how he was living, there’s no doubt in my mind that he would have said it was fine or not pressed charges. It would have made it worse, if Mikhail knew he told someone or…. It sucks, Otabek, it really fucking sucks, but he’s here now and fuckhead Mikhail is in police custody. We need to _support_ him, not be upset at him for things he chose to do in a time of turmoil. Okay?”

Otabek knew Guang Hong was right. That didn’t stop him from still feeling slightly hurt and betrayed, though. “How’d you know he was here?” he asked instead.

“He called me, said he thought Mikhail broke something and that he thought he…” Guang Hong paused, his voice getting choked up and Otabek almost wished he hadn’t asked. “Um, he said he thought he was going to kill him. He told me then that Mikhail… stabbed him… so I made him promise to call the cops immediately himself and he did. I got here just after midnight when he got here.”

Otabek wasn’t surprised when he started crying again. This boy that Otabek _loved_ could have died and… fuck, he couldn’t even think like that, even though he’d thought as much when he hadn’t heard from him. “I just wish he would have told me. I don’t… I feel like it’s all my fault. For not being there or making sure or doing anything else to help.”

“Otabek, it’s not your fault. I promise. Yuri… he has… a lot going on. You know that. I think you guys need to talk. When he’s better.”

Well, that was for sure.

“Yeah. We will.”

  
  
  


It was the second full day of Yuri’s hospital stay when Guang Hong went home to shower, change, and bring decent food back for everyone. Guang Hong leaving meant Yuri and Otabek would be alone and, well, Otabek wasn’t sure he was ready for that. He wasn’t even sure what to say. Luckily, Yuri had him covered.

“I broke up with him,” Yuri said out of nowhere. They’d been talking about new music; a safe topic, avoiding pain and conflict and things they didn’t want to talk about even though they should. It shocked Otabek a bit, and he stared at Yuri. “That’s why… why this happened. Why I’m here.”

Otabek still had all those questions floating around his brain, and he knew they would remain unanswered or unasked for a while. He wanted to say something, anything, but Yuri clearly wasn’t done. Tears welled in those emerald eyes, making them glossy.

“I don’t think he ever loved me.” Yuri’s voice broke and Otabek’s heart along with it. He wondered how anyone couldn’t love Yuri. Tears streaked down Yuri’s face, his cheeks and nose pinkening as he cried. “I was young and naive when we began dating and I just… thought, I guess.” Otabek reached over and gently wiped Yuri’s face with a tissue. It was the least he could do for this boy.

“Yuratchka…” Otabek whispered, his name getting caught in his throat as he struggled to hold back tears. “Listen to me when I say that none of this is your fault. Okay? It’s not that you were young and naive. Mikhail took advantage of you and your trust. And… and he hurt you because he could. This is all on him.” He was tucking stray strands away from Yuri’s face now, he couldn’t stay distant, not when he was like this. Not when he was battered and bruised and broken.

Yuri leaned into his touch, cheek nuzzling into his palm like a cat would. It was incredibly adorable and Otabek felt rage at the idea that anyone could hurt someone so beautiful and rare. “Thank you, Beka. I… I missed you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you….”

“Shh, it’s okay, Yuratchka. I missed you too, okay? I’m here now. I’m here.” They stayed close to each other, seeking each other’s comfort. It seemed that was all they needed.  
  
  


Otabek stayed by Yuri’s side the whole time. He slept much better than before, even in an uncomfortable hospital chair. They were accompanied by Guang Hong and sometimes Leo, but for the most part it was just the two of them. Otabek did anything he could to make Yuri smile, and that meant singing to him lots and running his fingers through his hair, as if they were back in Otabek’s bed where there was no pain and no elephants in the room.

It was one of those times where Yuri insisted Otabek join him in the bed, much to the nurses’ chagrin. But it was worth it, even with all the tangling of tubes.

Perhaps he should have expected it, but he didn’t because he did not think Yuri was ready by any means.

Everything was normal. They were comfortable with the light touches, with cuddling and just being close. It was just comforting, and how they liked it. It was what they were both accustomed to. But now it was quiet, and Otabek felt that same pull in his chest that he always did when he looked into Yuri’s big, bright green eyes. They just stared at each other. It was intimate and Otabek kept running his finger through those blond locks.

Then, before Otabek absorbed what was happening, Yuri closed the distance between them, gently pressing his thing lips to Otabek’s.

It was everything and nothing like Otabek expected their first kiss to be like. He didn’t expect it to be here, of all places. He didn’t expect it now. But he did love how it was gentle and soft like he had imagined countless times. It was so easy to press back, to gently pet Yuri’s hair as they kissed chastely, so he did. And it was _amazing._

But above all, Otabek felt as if he was pressuring Yuri, and he couldn’t have that. He wouldn’t. Not when Yuri just got out of a toxic, abusive relationship of three years. Not when Yuri was just beginning to discover who he was as a his own person. So Otabek pulled away first, eyes opening to search Yuri’s. Those eyes held so much, and Otabek was scared he was going to hurt him. He never wanted to do that, but he knew things couldn’t be so smooth.

 

*

 

Yuri’s heart had never floated so high when he had kissed anyone before. It was a totally new experience, because he knew Otabek was _it_ for him. Otabek was what he wanted, was who he saw in his future. It wasn’t like Mikhail, where he’d only seen him in his future as _bound_ . He was stuck or trapped or obligated. Otabek was _his_ choice, and he wanted to choose Otabek over everyone.

Guang Hong had been the one to make him realize that after much inner conflict and deliberation. He had thought that he’d been crushing on Otabek because he’d shown more decency and kindness to him than anyone had before, and had taken him in with no problem. He’d trusted Yuri, despite his obvious rough edges. And that was attractive. He’d thought that was what he’d liked, but the more he thought about it… and the wanting to have sex with Otabek and everything else, it made him wonder. And talking to Ji opened his eyes; he _liked_ Otabek, as a person, as a friend, and was grateful for everything. It took a little bit to get to that conclusion, and many conversations, but he knew that was how he felt all along. He wasn’t pushing it on himself.

And he was going to take this chance, goddammit, because Yuri was _happy_ whenever he was with Otabek. Why would Yuri put off his happiness when it was right there, laying in the hospital bed with him? Who else would ever have done this for him? And better yet, he knew that if the situation were reversed, he would do the same for Otabek. Even broken (literally and figuratively), Otabek made everything easier.

So, he’d kissed him. And it was most wonderful thing in the world, to kiss so softly and feel so much and have Otabek reciprocate; to have his hands in his hair and lips on his, stubble rubbing against his chin. It didn’t make him sick, it didn’t make him want to recoil. It was amazing. He was breathless from something so _simple_. Surely, this was special right? Not everybody had this.

He felt warmth and light and happiness bubbling in his chest as Otabek slowly broke away. He looked straight into those gorgeous dark eyes. They threatened to steal his breath all over again. Yuri gave Otabek a small smile and despite the fact that he was sitting in a goddamn hospital bed… He felt right. _This_ felt right. _Otabek_ felt right. Both of them together like this felt so _right_.

“Beka?” He found himself asking without too much of a plan. But everything was bubbling to the surface, he had never been so close to happiness. To perfection. “Otabek…” he breathed, eyes flickering between the other man’s eyes and his lips. His face was still so close. But not anywhere near as close as he wanted it to be.

“Yuri, I…” Otabek sounded as if he were about to apologize.

“Just let me… I wanna ask you something, okay?” Yuri had never felt so confident about anything in his life. _He_ had just kissed his DJ. _He_ had gone in for that kiss first. Otabek looked as though he wanted to protest but he just nodded. Yuri took a deep breath and swallowed any anxiety that had begun to build. This was _Otabek_ . This was _right_ , he reminded himself. Staring into Otabek’s beautifully dark eyes he asked, “Otabek, will you be my boyfriend?”

“Oh. Uh.” Otabek pulled back a little further, brow creasing, questioning him. “Yuri, we… we can’t. I-I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship so soon.” His voice was careful, cautious, as if he was trying to soften the blow.

Yuri felt his heart literally sink and then shatter. It didn’t matter how carefully Otabek had tried to put it. He had been rejected. _Again_.

_Mikhail was right. Otabek can’t love me._

Yuri pulled away from Otabek completely, moving away as far as he possibly could on the small hospital bed. He looked away, he couldn’t let Otabek see a single ounce of pain when in reality… he was hurting more now than he was when he first arrived here. “Yuri,” Otabek breathed softly, reaching out for him. Yuri glared his hand away. “I just… I need you to love yourself before me. Before anyone. You just got out of a shit relationship with someone who abused you.”

“Fuck you, Otabek,” he spat, his voice venomous. “You, of all people, should know I’m fucking sick and tired of people telling me what to do.”

“That’s not what I—”

“Get out,” Yuri whispered.

“Yuri, pl—”

“Otabek, I said get out!” Otabek seemed reluctant to do what Yuri said, and the look on his face was devastated, but Yuri didn’t care. He didn’t care. He wanted to be alone, where he could cry all he wanted. This was what happened when he finally decided to do what he wanted, when he opened himself up. He watched in his peripheral as Otabek walked to the door, only for it to open and for Guang Hong to walk in. Otabek was quick to rush past him and out the door, not saying a single word. When he exited, that was when Yuri let a few tears slip out.

Guang Hong walked carefully and somewhat awkwardly into the room, trying to gauge what Yuri might be feeling. “I… was only gone a few hours. What happened?”

Yuri sniffled, trying not to sob. “We kissed. I confessed. He fucking rejected me. Again. I fucking _knew_ it.” He felt absolutely worthless. He may have just ruined the best relationship he’d had all because he _liked him_. “I knew it. I knew he couldn’t like me, not like that. Just like Mikhail said. Fuck,” he gasped and winced, tears pouring harder. Guang Hong rushed to his side, grasping his hand carefully.

“Yuri, _no_. Stop thinking like that, please. What did he say to you?”

“I _know_ he was trying to let me down easy but that shit doesn’t work,” another sob ripped through him before he could stop it. He winced in pain, his ribs still incredibly sore. “H-He said I wasn’t ready.”

“Oh, Yuri,” Guang Hong cooed gently, petting his hair. “That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. You guys kissed, didn’t you? Did he seem into it?”

Yuri nodded, sniveling. “Y-Yeah. It was perfect, Ji. That’s why I… I thought. I thought he would want me.”

“Yuri, he _does_ want you. I know he does, he’s told Leo that he does. It’s just. Otabek worries… like, a lot. You know that.”

Yuri rested his head back. “Fuck. I can’t… I don’t want to see him. For a little bit.” He heard Guang Hong sigh gently, but the boy continued to soothe him. Rejection was very clearly a sore point with Yuri.

“You wanna stay with me and Leo, then? Until you and Otabek figure things out?”

“You would let me?”

“Of course, Yuri. You’re like my best friend. And Leo won’t mind, he likes you and will probably call Otabek an ass later.”

“Thanks, Ji,” he sighed. “I owe you one. And I’d give you a hug, but… you know.”

Guang Hong smiled. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. Relax, yeah? I did bring some movies.”

Yuri smiled and together they watched a few, but there was no way he could get Otabek off his mind. Every time he thought of the man, his heart sank further and his mind swirled. He just wanted to be _his_ , for Otabek to be Yuri’s. He wanted to discover himself _with_ Otabek. Was that too much to ask for? They practically already acted like boyfriends, didn’t they? What would be the problem if they put a title on it? It wouldn’t be so different, why did this have to be so hard? It all irritated him to no end. He really wasn’t asking for that much, was he? Seriously, what was so wrong with him?

And despite all of Guang Hong’s reassuring words, Yuri kept overthinking. He couldn’t help it. It was a bad habit, something that Mikhail had forced him to do, basically. He wanted Otabek back. The only thing that got him through most days was looking forward to his Grandpa and Alisa visiting.

That day came and went, mostly happily. It hurt when Grandpa asked where the “nice gentleman, Otabek” was, to which Yuri had said he was working for the day. He didn’t want to upset or disappointed Grandpa or Alisa, and he knew that he and Otabek would make up eventually. He just didn’t know when.

 

He didn’t see Otabek for the rest of his stay, and Yuri wouldn’t admit that he cried most nights, obsessively checking his phone for a text or call from Otabek. He didn’t receive one. And despite knowing that he’d ignore it even if he did call… it still hurt. Perhaps Otabek really was living happily without him. Was it that easy? Was he that miniscule? Mikhail was right. Mikhail was right. Those words hurt to think, but they seemed so true now. He thought as much, even when Ji took him to his and Leo’s home, allowing him to stay as long as he needed (like Otabek had).

He stayed deep in his thoughts a lot more often than usual. He tried to use them as a distraction instead of his phone or television. It all reminded him of Otabek and what he wanted. He knew he had things to work through, he knew that it would take a while to heal fully from this, physical health aside. The way Mikhail treated him worse than ever took a mental toll on him and he knew it.

But Ji was there. And Leo. And God, Yuri loved them. They supported him and worked through all of Yuri’s issues that he needed or wanted to talk about whenever he needed. Of course, Ji had gotten plenty of information when they communicated through text, but new problems had risen. He felt bad about burdening Ji and Leo, but they promised they wouldn’t have it any other way. It eased his mind that they seemed pleased at his presence.

And then there was this _issue_ that kept nagging at the back of Yuri’s mind. It was late one night when Yuri woke up from a nightmare screaming and Ji had entered the guest room to check on him. “Are you okay?” Ji asked quietly as he got into bed with him.

Yuri was drenched in a cold sweat and his heartbeat was accelerated but he nodded anyway. He didn’t know if that was a lie. He felt immediately better when Ji cuddled with him, though, and he took a deep breath. “Guang Hong?”

“Yeah?”

“I know I love Otabek. For sure.” Quiet. “But is that wrong? Shouldn’t I be angry and upset now that I just left Mikhail?”

He could hear Guang Hong’s breathing. “No, I don’t think that’s wrong. Mikhail was toxic. Abusive. Just bad in general. And Otabek was there for you in a time of need and he treated you like a normal person, you know? He’s funny and smart and talented; I don’t see why you _wouldn’t_ like him after spending so much time together. And it wasn’t too fast, before you ask. You guys, like I said, spent a shit ton of time together.”

Yuri nodded, feeling relieved. “Um. Also? I want to fuck Otabek. He’s hot. But like, I-I was raped. By Mikhail. And I feel wrong knowing that but still wanting to have sex with Beka. I feel like… I should be more affected? Or like, was I really raped since I still want to have sex?”

There was hesitation in Guang Hong’s breathing. “Yuri. You were raped. That’s that. You didn’t want to have sex with Mikhail, he did it anyway; that’s rape.” He paused. “You can still want to have sex. It doesn’t negate that fact that Mikhail did that to you. Experiences are different. Sex might be your coping mechanism, you know? It doesn’t make you _wrong_ though. Okay?”

Yuri nodded slowly. “Okay.” He still had to wonder if Otabek would think the same; how he acted before indicated he thought Yuri should feel a certain way at this point after everything, but Yuri only felt as if he wanted Otabek. He wanted to cuddle and be sung to like before. The only different was calling it a relationship. Was that too much to ask?

He relaxed further as Ji played with his hair. He could pretend it was Otabek, but nothing could ever replace him. It was good enough for now.

  


*

 

Otabek didn’t work at the club, too caught up in writing shitty sad songs for his online base. He didn’t really register how much time had passed, and frankly, he didn’t really care. Everything seemed so _pointless_ and he was only aware of the days because he thought, _maybe today Yuri will come home_.

Apparently, a month was _too_ long for _someone._

That _someone_ was Leo.

Otabek was woken from his haze in his workspace, Potya on his lap, when there was a pounding on his door. He got up quickly, apologizing to a mewing Potya, and went to the door in hopes of Yuri being on the other side.

When he opened it, disappointment crossed all his features. “Leo.”

“Beks, you look like shit. Damn,” Leo said almost sadly as he stepped past him, essentially inviting himself in. Otabek let it happen, not feeling up to protesting. “Hey, listen,” his friend said with that faux-cheer in his voice. “You need to pull your head out of your ass, dude.” Ah, there it was. The truth that Leo had been waiting to spill. Otabek gaped at him.

“Yuri’s all sad and shit and it’s been a whole ass month. Like, you don’t realize how much you hurt him. And yes, it is your fault. A hundred percent.”

“Wow,” Otabek grumbled, “thanks for being so encouraging.” He already felt shitty enough.

“He said that you said he needed to find himself and shit. That basically he ‘wasn’t ready’. Is that true?” Otabek nodded slowly. “Well, I hate to break it to you, but you know you could be there to _help him_ , right? That you could be there and help him figure himself out and shit? That was kind of—no, it _really_ was a dick move.”

Otabek stared at Leo and let the words sink in. He was right.

He had to do something to fix this.


	12. show you the way love's supposed to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a knock on Otabek’s door and he honestly didn’t know who he expected to be there. Leo, perhaps, to tell him to get his shit together again. He hadn’t gotten around to following through on any one of his drafted plans, but he so desperately wanted to. He just wanted to come across as earnest and not like an asshole, because he really loved Yuri and needed to fix this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we've made it to the end boys.... 
> 
> chapter warnings: discussion of literally everything and every warning in the previous chapters.
> 
> we hope you enjoyed this ride as much as we did! thanks for tagging along<3
> 
> chapter title from Let Me Love You by Wafia

Otabek was moping around his house, as usual. It had sort of become routine by now. He had no motivation to work outside of the house ever since Yuri left, and all of his music writing had turned _emotional_ and _dark._ Like he was a heartbroken teenager. That’s certainly what he felt like.

There was a knock on Otabek’s door and he honestly didn’t know who he expected to be there. Leo, perhaps, to tell him to get his shit together again. He hadn’t gotten around to following through on any one of his drafted plans, but he so desperately wanted to. He just wanted to come across as earnest and not like an asshole, because he really loved Yuri and needed to fix this. He thought he was close to figuring something out that sounded right, but it wasn’t _it._ However, when he opened the door, he came face to face with a blond that he’d been missing for the past four weeks or so. And also the three months before that.

“Yuri,” Otabek breathed, opening the door wider. Yuri was absolutely glowing, and he looked wonderful. His skin was clear, he was standing tall, and he looked at peace.

“Beka,” Yuri said in response, his voice trembling a little bit.

“C-Come in.” Otabek stepped aside and watched Yuri stride in. The air was tense and awkward in a matter of seconds because they hadn’t talked in weeks and the last thing they’d talked about had to do with, well, rejection. He’d wallowed enough over it. Yuri turned to face Otabek and he swallowed audibly. “Um, Yuri, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I-I know I was… probably not… considering your feelings, b-but I just wanted to do what was right, and I was going to come talk to you but now you’re here and--”

“Shut up, Beka. I’m sorry for being harsh about it. You _were_ right. And I know what I want now.” Yuri’s voice grew confident and they stared into each other’s eyes for what felt like a minute before Otabek took quick, long steps to Yuri. Before he knew it, he took Yuri’s face in between his hands gently and kissed him.

He kissed him with everything he had. It was passionate, and meaningful, it knocked and smudged the lenses of his glasses as Yuri pressed his face to his, but Otabek tried to convey everything he felt through it; longing, want, need, love, support. It wasn’t like their first kiss in the hospital bed. This one was hard, a little rougher, and needy. It wasn’t exactly chaste, either. But it was what they both wanted, what they both _needed_. It was so clear how much they wanted each other from that kiss. How much they missed each other. Otabek felt as though _this moment_ was the catalyst, that this was what he had been waiting for. It felt good and _right_.

Otabek pulled away first but kept Yuri’s jaw in his hands, stroking his cheeks gently with his thumbs. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” Yuri whispered, and leaned in again for another kiss. It was so easy to give in to everything he craved for for the past half year.

Their kiss became less and less innocent as it went on, Yuri’s hands clutching his shirt and tugging him impossibly closer. Otabek moved his hands from his face to his waist, and that alone was enough to make Otabek crazy. He was so slim, fitting perfectly into his hands. That thought made him _want_ more than anything. Yuri was biting and nipping at his lips and at his sanity, their hips pressing against each other. Otabek could feel his erection growing, and Yuri’s too.

“Otabek, I want you.” The hoarseness in Yuri’s was obvious, and Otabek felt proud _he_ did that. He pulled back almost minutely.

“D-Do you want to fuck me?” Otabek rasped because that was almost all he could think about right now. But Yuri’s eyes widened and Otabek was afraid he’d said something wrong.

“Wait, what?”

Otabek was confused. “Um, I thought… you would fuck me?”

“Oh my god, you think I’m a _top_?” Yuri started _laughing_ and Otabek was slightly embarrassed, but also glad Yuri could laugh so freely.

“Well… yeah, I thought… I mean, you’re so _forward_ and stuff….” Otabek was mumbling and he knew it, and his cheeks burned. “D-Do you not want to?”

Yuri quickly became serious. “No, that’s not it! Um, I mean, I’ve never… done it like _that_ before.”

“Oh.”

Silence. Tense, awkward silence, with their hands still on each other and their breathing slightly heavier.

Yuri spoke again, “How about for our first time you fuck me? I mean, it’ll be easier a-and more comfortable for both of us. I’m… experienced, I guess, a-and we can work up to that okay… I-I’ve always imagined…”

That had Otabek raising an inquisitive eyebrow. But Yuri’s idea sounded solid and, well, he wanted Yuri. A lot. Any way he could have him. “Y-Yeah, okay,” he murmured, and they were easily back to kissing.

It didn’t take long until they were both absolutely desperate, grasping at clothing and at their erections and trying to get to the bedroom without tripping or letting go of each other. It was a miracle they made it in one piece into the bedroom. Otabek bit his lip when they pulled apart, and Yuri was beginning to tug at Otabek’s clothing. He easily took it off and Yuri just ogled.

“Shit, Beka, have I ever told you how hot you are?”

“Uh….”

“Well, you’re fucking sexy.”

After that, Yuri took off his shirt and Otabek looked his fill (which would probably be _never enough_ , but knowing they had the rest of their lives was reassuring), admiring Yuri’s lithe body, all pale and smooth. “And you’re gorgeous. So gorgeous,” Otabek whispered as he began unbuttoning his now-uncomfortably tight jeans. Yuri hooked his fingers into the waistband of his leggings and they were off in one easy motion. _Legs, so much leg. God,_ he was amazing. That scar didn’t change a thing. “Beautiful…” Otabek could not help what escaped his lips at this point. It had Yuri blushing and their lips were connected once more, effectively shutting both of them up. Otabek slowly backed Yuri up onto the bed. Seeing him there, spread out and almost completely naked did so many things to Otabek. Quite honestly, Otabek wasn’t even sure he _could_ feel anything like this until Yuri. He was quick to discard his own pants, not taking his eyes off him for a second, and crawled over the blond.

“Are you sure about this, Yuri?” He _had_ to ask, just to be safe.

“I’ve never wanted anything as much as you, Beka.” The look in Yuri’s eyes was sincere and somewhat pleading. And those words and that look did so many things to his heart. So, taking Yuri’s words to heart, Otabek leaned over to kiss him. He had _no_ idea what he was doing, and he was only a little nervous, but he was confident that Yuri would help him, guide him, and tell him what it was he needed. Carefully, Otabek let his hands roam over Yuri, over his chest and stomach and sides. Yuri’s eyes were closed with a smile on his lips, so Otabek kept going. His hands trailed to his inner thighs, over his hips, and eventually, over his still-clothed cock. That had Yuri’s breath hitching.

“You can take them off,” Yuri instructed. He was blinking up at Otabek now, encouraging him with his eyes but he could see the _want_. But Otabek shook off all his self-consciousness and was slow to slide down his tight briefs, inch by inch, revealing his hard and leaking pink cock. _Oh fuck._ He was everything Otabek had imagined and more. Even his cock was pretty. Seriously, _what the hell?_ He could not stop his eyes from trailing all over Yuri’s body. His hands followed. So perfect, so pretty, his mouth was fucking watering and he didn’t even know what to do, but he needed to do _something_ before he fucking burst.

“U-Umm…” Otabek had never gotten this far with anyone and he didn’t know what he was doing.

“Do you have lube? And condoms?”

Otabek hummed in response, his cheeks burning. Words weren’t really coming to him right now but he reached over into the top drawer of his bedside dresser in order to retrieve the necessities. He set them next to where he knelt between Yuri’s legs.

“Hey…” Yuri sat up and cupped Otabek’s cheek, searching his eyes a little and waiting for both of their eyes to meet. “Don’t overthink it, okay?” he whispered sweetly and gave him a gentle smile. “I’m here, I’ll help.” A bit more firmly, he said, “Now. Do you want me to prep myself or do you want to do it?”

Otabek blushed even brighter. “I-I want to. I want to make you feel good.” That had Yuri smiling and laying back down, looking up at him.

“Okay. Get the lube and start with one finger, okay?” Otabek nodded, following Yuri’s instructions. He did what felt natural, how he sometimes pleased himself, and teased Yuri’s rim with his lubed index finger. The small, pleased, little sigh Yuri let out had his heart racing faster and a small smirk stretching across his lips. _He_ was making Yuri feel good. _He_ would be the only person from now on to see Yuri like this. For _him._ It pleased Otabek to no end.

Carefully, he pushed his finger in past that tight ring and let Yuri adjust. It didn’t take long for Yuri to get comfortable, wiggling his hips as a way to ask for more. Otabek was eager to please Yuri, but he also had something else in mind. He leaned down, his body sliding between Yuri’s legs and his face lowering enough to kiss his abs. Yuri shivered and he could feel the muscles tighten beneath his lips. Slowly, he mouthed down and around his belly button and down that little trail of peach fuzz that couldn’t even be considered a happy trail. Yuri was whining and Otabek was pleased. He kept going, kissing and licking at the boy’s hip, and down the scarred thigh. He kissed gently at the scar, reminding Yuri with his words that he still found him beautiful and attractive no matter what. When he looked up, Yuri was biting his lip. Otabek gave him a smile and kissed the thick scar again before sitting up. He lubed up a second finger and asked, “Okay?”

“ _God_ yes,” was Yuri’s response. So, Otabek pushed in his second finger. He could feel how relaxed Yuri was, so that was a good sign. Yuri let out a soft moan and his eyes were closed. He looked so gorgeous like this, legs open for Otabek and Otabek only, his hair splayed across the pillow. He fingered him open slowly and carefully. He admired how his fingers looked being taken so easily by Yuri’s pink hole. Fuck, it was all so hot. It didn’t take long for Yuri to beg, “M-More, please, Beka.”

Yuri’s wish was his command, so he drew out his digits and lubed up another before pushing them in slowly. “Okay?”

“ _Yes_ , holy fuck, Beka,” Yuri whined, and his voice made Otabek’s cock twitch in his underwear. He could feel how his asshole tensed around his fingers and soon relaxed, prompting Otabek to move, to finger and open Yuri up. Could he even last more than two minutes when he finally got inside him? He hoped. God, that would be embarrassing.

Otabek was thorough. He didn’t want Yuri to be uncomfortable at all. And Yuri was so beautiful and amazing and everything Otabek had ever wanted. “Yuratchka, my Yuri, you are _amazing_ ,” he said, because he _had_ to. He had to let Yuri know how wonderful he was. He was beautiful.

He did not expect Yuri to literally moan from that. He didn’t expect Yuri to grab his wrist, stopping him from fingering him any longer. “Fuck, oh my God, you’re gonna make me come before you’re even inside of me.” Yuri was _panting_.

And that was how Otabek discovered Yuri’s praise kink.

“A-Are you ready?”

“I’m sure I can handle it. Just, fuck, I need you.” And, well, Otabek couldn’t refuse that. So, he shuffled back, drawing his fingers out of Yuri once more. He took off his boxers, embarrassed about being fully naked in front of someone for the first time.

“Oh. Fuck,” Yuri breathed with wide eyes, obviously staring at Otabek’s _junk_. Oh god, what if he wasn’t up to Yuri’s standards? He really didn’t think he was small—

“You’re _huge_ , Beka. Why didn’t tell me you were hung? Jesus Christ.”

“Um….” Otabek was speechless. He never realized, really. Then again, Yuri was the first to see him like this, completely bare, so he didn’t have much to compare himself with.

“Fuck, okay, I need you, like, right now.” And that was all Otabek needed to crawl back over Yuri, kissing him senseless. Their hard ons were pressed against each other and, fuck, it felt so good. Otabek rolled his hips a couple of times, moaning out softly in Yuri’s ear, before pulling back to roll a condom on and lube up. He was shaking, he couldn’t hide that, but he just needed Yuri _bad_. He was thankful though that Yuri didn’t point it out.

“A-Are you sure you’re ready?” He really was nervous about hurting Yuri. He never ever wanted to do that.

“I can take it, Beka,” Yuri said softly, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. His smile was soft and encouraging and understanding, but there was a hint of sadness behind it. Otabek kissed it away.

“O-Okay. I’m gonna…” Otabek pressed the tip of his cock against Yuri’s ass and Yuri nodded once, giving Otabek the go-ahead. He pushed in, resistance meeting his cock first as he pushed past the tight ring and _holy fuck_ it was everything and more than Otabek had expected. He paid attention to Yuri’s face, though, and his eyes were screwed shut and his breathing a little labored. “Yuri, does it hurt?”

“J-Just a little? B-But it’s okay. Just… don’t move.” Yuri took deep breaths and relaxed, slowly but surely. It was a couple (awkward) minutes later when Yuri opened his eyes. “Okay, y-you can move now. Slowly?” Otabek nodded and continued until he was about halfway and Yuri’s face seemed to be pain-free. “Fuck, you feel amazing, Beka.”

Otabek blushed. “I’m halfway now. C-Can you… do you want more?”

“Jesus, _only halfway_? Fucking hell,” Yuri muttered, but then smiled. “Yeah, I want more. I want all of you, Beka.” Shit, the way Yuri said his name had him wanting to fuck into Yuri until they were both screaming. But he restrained himself and was slow as he pushed in almost until he was fully seated against Yuri.

“Okay,” Otabek said awkwardly. “I’m in…?” He wanted to hit himself. Yuri giggled.

“Fuck me, Beka. I’m okay, I promise. You won’t hurt me.” So Otabek did so, leaning over and holding himself up with his elbows on either side of Yuri’s head. It had them face to face, stomachs pressed to each other as Otabek fucked Yuri slowly at first.

“Fuck,” he grunted quietly and Yuri moaned out. Otabek took a chance and went a tad faster and _holy fuck_ he felt like a teenager, about to come without barely having done anything. “Shit, Yuri, you’re so fucking good.”

“Oh—fuck, Beka!” Yuri whined and bucked his hips, his ass meeting Otabek’s hips. This was amazing, really.

“So good,” Otabek breathed, hips stuttering. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.” He reached down and tugged on Yuri’s cock a few times. He noticed how his back arched up, their chests pressing together as Yuri came, Otabek following suit not much later. They were both messes. Otabek felt a little embarrassed that he couldn’t have lasted much longer, but what else was going to happen after months of pining and minimal masturbation? And Yuri came just as fast, so he couldn’t feel that bad about it.

He pulled out slowly, watching himself a tad fascinated but mostly turned on (though he was spent), and Yuri let out a little whine, but didn’t do much else. He pulled off the condom and tied it off, then proceeded to clean Yuri up carefully. “Okay?” he asked when he crawled back into bed.

“Perfect,” Yuri breathed, opening his eyes and looking at Otabek. Like this, he looked at peace. He looked as angelic as ever, naked and limbs spread out on the bed. His cheeks were pink with exertion, but they darkened when he began to speak. “C-Can we maybe cuddle now?” He sounded nervous and timid, a sign that Yuri had probably had a bad experience in the past.

“You read my mind,” Otabek said, slipping under the covers and helping Yuri as well. He scooted close to the man, taking him into his arms and kissing his sweaty forehead. Yuri giggled quietly and entangled their legs beneath the covers.

“Sleep time,” Yuri said with a soft laugh and Otabek hummed in agreement as he ran his fingers through those lovely blond strands. Otabek knew they still had to a lot to address when they woke up from their nap. For now though, he couldn’t keep his eyes open long enough to even try. Too tired and content from the rapid build-up of hormones and endorphins, he closed his eyes. It didn’t take long for both of them to fall asleep

  


*

 

When Yuri woke up naked, his first reaction was a jolting start, followed by his eyes flickering around the room to take in his surroundings, a few shaky breaths and then finally… the calm when he realised whose arms he was wrapped in.

His breathing slowed as he took in the familiar surroundings of Otabek’s bedroom and Otabek’s bed… _their bed?_ Otabek’s body radiated heat and comfort just as it always did, with his tanned arms wrapped around his waist, his face tucked into the crook of his neck, his bare chest flat up against Yuri’s back and his… was that his huge dick pressed up against his ass? Yuri felt his cheeks heat up a little as he thought back to what happened between the two of them in this bed. _Finally_.

He stirred, attempting to turn in Otabek’s vice grip but once he was successfully face to face with Otabek he saw that those gentle brown eyes were looking straight back at him.

“Hey,” Yuri breathed after a moment of just _looking_ at him. He was kind of in awe, he wasn’t entirely sure if he had just dreamed up the entire thing. Which he would admit, was entirely possible. His dreams often were occupied with Otabek, his dorky DJ. But _shit_ he was beautiful, surely this wasn’t real, he wasn’t anywhere near worthy to _have_ him like that. Right?

He was brought out of his thoughts when Otabek replied.

“Hey, gorgeous.” His lips twitched into a small smile as his eyes danced over the details of his face. Yuri could feel his gaze, could feel him just taking everything in. Taking _him_ in. Yuri’s heart flipped and skipped about five beats. “Sleep well?” he asked, shuffling a little and gently running his thumb over Yuri’s cheek.

“Yeah,” Yuri replied simply, looking closely at the lighter brown flecks in Otabek’s eyes that were more visible in the lighting of the bedroom. “Did you?”

Otabek nodded, but then his soft expression changed into one of worry, his eyebrows raising and furrowing together as he unwrapped himself from Yuri’s body. His eyes were darting now, everywhere other than Yuri’s face. “Are you okay?” Otabek looked him over and up and down. “Did I hurt you or… are you in pain?”

“Otabek, I’m fine. More than fine, I’m great. I… I mean you’re _big,_ Beka, so a little sore but it’s nothing I can’t handle, I promise.” Somehow, that didn’t help put Otabek’s mind at rest.

“Yuri, I-I’m so sorry.” He actually looked a little frightened.

Yuri rolled his eyes and kissed Otabek hard. “Otabek, seriously, I’m fine. You know how much I’ve been through, right? A sore ass from the best sex I’ve ever had in my life is nothing. I swear. You didn’t hurt me. You made me feel _amazing_. Big difference.” That seemed to make Otabek relax a smidge, his shoulders falling a little.

“O-Okay… well, um…” Otabek was back to his usual self, blushing furiously. “Was I any good?”

“Beka, did you not listen when I just said _the best sex I’ve ever had in my life?_ You were perfect, I promise.”

Otabek’s face was the deepest colour of red he thought he’d ever seen in their months of knowing each other. “I-I didn’t um...I didn’t last very long I’m sorry I… you were just…”

“Shh.” Yuri was running his fingers gently through his mussed hair hair now, pressing delicate pecks to his lips and smiling. He gave a little smirk and a laugh before he replied, “Beka, I have never come so quickly before. You made me come before you even did. I… you were amazing.” And, well, his own words had him thinking. Perhaps _too_ much, as he was prone to do. “No one’s ever… No one has ever touched me like that.”

Otabek’s face fell again. “Oh, Yuri…”

Yuri realized he should probably clarify. “I meant, like… all caring… and stuff.” He was taken into Otabek’s arms, expectedly, and he felt all of his emotions surface. All the emotions he’d hidden so deep, shoved into every nook and cranny of darkness so they wouldn’t show around Mikhail. His eyes stung. “Beka? I-I want to tell you everything.”

“You don’t have to, Yuratchka,” Otabek murmured into his ear, caressing him gently.

“I want to. It’ll… It’ll be good for me. I think.” Otabek pulled back slightly so they could see each other’s faces. “And plus, you deserve to know, after everything you’ve done for me.” Yuri avoided his gaze, but their bodies stayed entwined. He took a few deep breaths.

“I’ve never told you why Mikhail and I were together, or how… and I’ve never told you about my parents, or anything really. I’ve let you make assumptions because I didn’t want you to think less of me when you’re so amazing.” He knew he would have to repeat things he’d already told Otabek, but saying them again made them more real, and he thought that meant they were more valid.

“Yuri…”

“I know. Just… let me finish, okay? I want to be more. With you. I mean, if you let me. So this needs to happen.” And Otabek nodded, the look in his eyes soft. He stayed quiet and Yuri took a deep, shaky breath. “You know I’ve been with Mikhail since I was sixteen. H-He um. He was twenty-five and he was my mother’s dealer. He still is. And it really started before then, but we didn’t start ‘dating’ until I turned sixteen. Um… my mom isn’t a good person. I thought she was for a while and I thought I was helping. We didn’t really have any money after my dad left. So Mikhail would come over to see my mother a lot… and ask for payment. Sh-She didn’t have anything except for me, so... that started when I was fifteen I think. And Mikhail was attractive, so I thought that it wouldn’t be that bad.” Otabek’s face had warped into anger and sadness. Yuri bit his lip for a moment but continued on.

“So I would… have sex with him. Whenever he wanted. And I really thought I was helping my mom, and eventually Grandpa and Alisa. Mikhail’s their landlord. And Grandpa can’t work as much as he used to, and Alisa’s only eight, so Mikhail would say he’d take care of it, make sure they had somewhere to stay if he could, um, sell my body, basically...” Saying it out loud made him realize how fucked up everything was. “I just wanted to help my family. I couldn’t bear the thought of having Alisa go through what I did. It was… a lot of it was for her. When she was born, Grandpa took her in and took care of her because mom’s addiction was still there. I had to make sure she was going to be happy and healthy and doing things for Mikhail was my only option. And then when I turned sixteen he asked me out, a-and I couldn’t say _no_ and I thought maybe he actually liked me. He said he did. So I accepted. I guess it was okay for a while. I still lived with mom. Then Mikhail said he wanted me to move in with him, that it would help him and mom, so I did.”

Otabek’s hands carded through his hair soothingly. It helped a bit, but Yuri could feel the onslaught of tears about to arrive. “That’s when it got worse. When I moved in. I uh. His friends would come around more. He said they liked me a lot and that my friends from school didn’t like me at all. He got me to drop out. He said I wasn’t ‘that type of smart’ and I already had a good job making him and his friends happy. He told me that I had to provide for my family. I couldn’t see it any other way, either. I didn’t feel like I had any other option. So I did it.” He wiped his eyes. “And then I could do less and less on my own. He started being aggressive and verbally abusive, but he always told me he loved me and that he was sorry. I believed him. Because I was young and dumb and thought he knew better.”

His breath was shaky and he gave Otabek a watery smile. “And music was there for me the whole time. That and Alisa and Grandpa really… if I didn’t have them I probably wouldn’t be here.” It hurt to admit, but it was true. “I started sneaking out when I turned eighteen because I couldn’t take it. It didn’t just stay verbal, it wasn’t just words anymore, Mikhail became physical. I partied a lot when he was out. I got to have control over who touched me, a-and it was okay for a while. Until he caught me. And then you came along. And I couldn’t be happier. Even through everything…”

Otabek smiled carefully and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. He was clearly just taking in a lot of what Yuri had said. “I have a question still. And you don’t have to answer. Why did you leave?”

Yuri frowned, remembering that night at the club when Mikhail had told him his mom _needed_ this, that Alisa and Grandpa were going to pay for it if he didn’t go back to him. “I thought I was doing the right thing. That I was being selfish for staying here and being happy with you. That I still loved Mikhail. He told me mom needed me, that she was going to be sick if I didn’t come back. That Alisa and Grandpa wouldn’t have a home for long. I-I couldn’t let that happen. And… Otabek, I didn’t think th-that you would actually _want me._ And I was upset wh-when you rejected me after because I thought that Mikhail was right when he said nobody could love me.”

“Yuri…” Otabek rasped, holding Yuri closer. “I just thought… we weren’t ready. And I wish I could have taken away all that pain sooner. Fuck, I hate seeing you so upset. You didn’t and still don’t deserve to be hurt or sad.”

Yuri shrugged slowly, nuzzling closer into Otabek. “Can I tell you… more? I just…”

“Of course, Yuri. Of course.”

“I think… he raped me. And Ji made me realize that’s what it was, even though we were in a relationship. I didn’t want him to be my first. I told you that, didn’t I?” Otabek nodded and Yuri let out another shaky breath. “So that’s… another reason I went clubbing a lot. The control thing. And after meeting you, I wanted to have sex with you. A lot. Obviously. But after talking to Ji and… deciphering my feelings and what happened to me, I still wanted to have sex with you. And that made me feel awful, because if I really was raped, why would I want to have sex?”

“Yuri….” Otabek began. Yuri put a finger on his lips, smile faint and tears still running. He knew his pale skin was probably all red and blotchy, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“It’s okay. I talked this through with Ji. And I still don’t exactly know if it’s a coping mechanism or what, but… I’m okay. I’m okay with myself. Because of you, and Ji, and all the support you all have shown me. And I still want you more than anything. I thought you deserved to know how I was feeling when… when we were apart.”

He really didn’t mean to make Otabek cry. “Fuck, Yuri. I love you. I love you so goddamn much.”

Yuri looked up at Otabek with watery eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. He was surprised and kind of taken aback. He’d expected a different reaction, really. Not pity, no, but perhaps reassurance and comfort. Not this. But it was a pleasant surprise. “Y-You love… me?” he whispered.

“I think I have since the moment I laid eyes on you,” Otabek breathed. “A-Am I moving too fast? Shit.”

Yuri grinned. Even when confessing his love like a true romantic, his Beka was still awkward and blushy. “No, no, you’re fine, move faster.” Yuri’s face heated up as he began his next words, “I… I love you too. I love you. For real. I think… it took a while. For me to understand what love really is outside of familial love. But now I know it’s when I’m with you.”

That had Otabek grinning. “Does this mean we can finally be, like… a couple?”

“If you’ll have me,” Yuri murmured.

“Always.”

And with that, they sealed their fates with a kiss, soft and meaningful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be continued....?

**Author's Note:**

> find us on tumblr @jesusasahi and @punktsuki!
> 
> thank you for reading!


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